Going straight forward...antlers 6th thread.

[antlers]

Could you guys give me some feedback on the above message please? I wanna see what ya'll think about before I send it. Thanks.

[soleil]

I think it's good. And you let her know you've already talked to the school which is great.

[antlers]

Thank You soleil for your feedback. I'll send it this evening.

[antlers]

My son and I are still on vacation. The night before we left, he and I were coming out of the store and we ran right into STBXW and her mother. They both completely ignored me...like I wasn't even there. Son didn't have much to say to either of them. We left after a couple of minutes.
He and I drove to Las Vegas...1150 miles...a road trip. We've been having a good time. He's enjoyed the spectacle of this place.
I really think he prefers to stay with me these days because of what I've become...compared to the way his mother is now. Instead of accepting this truth, she continues to blame me for "lying to him" about her.
She continues to assert that she "did nothing wrong". Yeah right...ripping apart his family, trying to take he and his sister away from their dad, trying to destroy his dad financially, not to mention the cheating and lying...she's convinced herself that none of these things have an adverse effect on him or his sister!
My son and I are going out to the dam today, then he wants to go check out some more of these huge hotel/casino complexes.
I treasure the time that he and I have been spending together. More challenges are ahead as school will be starting for him, and I go back to work, and the legal proceedings pick back up.
I haven't had any kind of relationship since she left. I am 'still married'. I don't want to have to be validated by another person. I don't want to approach another relationship from a position of neediness or weakness. I want to approach it from a position of strength.
I wish things weren't this way, but they are.

[Gardener]

ant,
Enjoy the rest of what sounds like a wonderful trip!

I haven't had any kind of relationship since she left. I am 'still married'. I don't want to have to be validated by another person. I don't want to approach another relationship from a position of neediness or weakness. I want to approach it from a position of strength.
I wish things weren't this way, but they are.

^^^This^^^
Ditto.
Healthy.

Peace,

[CityGirl]

See, as a woman (female, lady.... whatever term suits you the quote that is above from Antlers is EXACTLY what I would want from a man! So IMO you are right where you should be Antlers.

I think it's SUCH an important outlook to have. IMO it's not *always* about being on the rebound but more about NOT needing validation from somebody else. If you feel needy or clingy even for a second (generally speaking) then you (generally) should not even be dating. No way!

I have realized this tenfold and I think it's only recently that I really *get* it. I will NEVER again under ANY circumstance involve myself with a man on ANY level that is weak and unsure how to be a leader in a R. I get that in R's sometimes one person has to do more "work" but really, that should be very specific pockets of time.

When I think of how much burden my H dumped on me (and more important how I did it ALL thinking it was making me a good wife) I could vomit.

I certainly don't want an a-hole but I will never even consider being with a weak man again. So YAY for you - that statement alone pretty much cements the what we ALL knew all along... you are a good man that "gets" it. And you know what? It doesn't matter how long it took you to "get it" because what matters is you do now.

Enjoy the rest of your trip!

[Bridgestone]

Antlers,
I have no doubts that at some point in the future you will be ready for a new R as the new Antlers... confident, compassionate, with good boundaries & healthy self-respect and respect for others.

I am glad you & your son are having a wonderful time on vacation. I too am enjoying each & every day I have my D16 with me (I have 12 left until she goes back to her Dad's for school).

Something I 'd like to ask you and you can answer it here or on my thread.. your choice (or not at all even!).

when the time comes where you do find yourself exploring the dating world again... and the question is asked... why did your wife leave you?

How will you answer that? And what do you expect their response to be to your answer?

I ask because I hear my XH tell me in one breath he is a relationship disaster and shouldn't be with anyone (but is making no moves to work on himself in IC) but his FB page has him looking for friendship, dating & a relationship.

I know my D16 has talked with him about dating and sprucing up his waredrobe so he is more 'in style' for dates. but I can't help but wonder... when a woman asks (& we do ask),

why did your wife leave you after 22+ years of marriage?

what will he tell her? What would you tell her? And if you & he tell her the truth.... what would you expect her response to be?

Peace
Bridge

[antlers]

Hi Gardener.
We spent half a day at Hoover Dam yesterday. He was pretty interested in it...how they accomplished what they did. We've had some fun. I've drank more Pina Coladas in the past 9 days than I have in the past 9 years! He's been drinking 'unleaded' ones. And sushi...wow! I think they could detect sushi in my blood right now.

People are attracted to other people who are strong. Superficially, they are attracted to people who they find 'pleasing to the eye'. But deeply, they like to be in the presence of people who are strong. The superficial attraction is short-lived...but the deep attraction is the long-lasting one. I choose to be strong, not because I think it will make me attractive to others, but because I believe that is the best way for me to be...period. I believe that is the healthiest way for me to be...period. If being strong produces any 'fringe benefits', then so be it. This is how I feel.

"Do not seek outside yourself" - Emerson


I appreciate your support Gardener, and I hope you are doing well.

[antlers]

Hi CityGirl.

Your input is really appreciated by me. Thanks. You're always a straight-shooter who has both feet on the ground.

It makes sense to me that whatever I depend on for my happiness will always end up controlling me, and if I feel like I 'have to' be involved in a relationship in order to be happy, then the approval of that other person will control my self-esteem...and I don't want how another person views me to dominate the way I view myself.

And I don't want to make any big decisions based on feelings. I want them to be based on wisdom.

There is wisdom in your words CityGirl, and I appreciate your input and feedback. I hate like he'll that things are the way they are...but they are. I'm nearly 50 years old. I never figured that my family would be ripped apart, nor that all my hopes and dreams for she and I, and our kids, would be destroyed...but they have been.

Strong, powerful, secure, confident, compassionate, resiliency, persistence and
determination...these are all words I want to live by.

[CityGirl]

I think "straight shooter" is a fancy way of saying I have a big mouth

I really do agree with everything you are saying. Experiences and the people we allow in our lives may reshape us to a degree but I think the foundation that is US needs to be pretty solid before any of that can happen.

I have learned destruction leads us to the opportunity to rebuild. It presents us with the option to keep the very best parts of ourselves and discard the pieces of us that put us in this terrible position to begin with.

Reinvention is a gift that everybody always seems to want. When it is forced it's difficult but still a gift.

There isn't one aspect of *this* that is wrapped up in one neat package. But lots of shreds still equal something much larger than perhaps we can see right now.

Being alone is a good thing and really, not many adults get the opportunity to really be alone and learn about themselves and life with so much experience to draw on. Sometimes the greatest gifts are born from the greatest pain.