Susan - your post sounds discouraged. Don't be. To me, your H is not quite there yet. The candle probably tipped it in the wrong direction. Just act natural. Yes - wear the slinky nightgown - but watch tv where you would always watch tv.
Rather than tell your H in the mtg how you feel about anything, try to do more listening. He doesn't care how you feel right now. He cares about his pain. You can tell him you're sorry you hurt him. You can tell him you're sorry he's hurting and don't want to cause any more pain. You can say a split isn't what you want but you don't want to hurt him anymore.
That's the approach I would take. He's in a silo right now. You need to let it come down. Then he'll start being receptive to you - but that won't happen until he believes you're on his side.
He: WAH Me: LBW Precious: DD
~ I'm grateful for every day I have to improve the way I relate.
I am discouraged.I feel myself backsliding and getting angry again too. I am letting myself feel rejected. I need to let that go right now and get back on track.
I know that by doing the DB and 180, I am holding in a lot of emotions. I feel I need to go somewhere away from everyone and just scream!!! You know that is a good idea. Maybe I will rent a cabin in the mountains for a few days and take some long walks and do some screaming in the woods. lol I agree with your words of advice.I will do that in tomorrows meeting. Should I not say anything about the phy R ? I do want H to know that I still want that in my life.
I agree- I feel the DB and 180 seem sort of "artificial", and it all does go against my natural instincts. My usual and natural instincts are to tell H to go to the warmer clime below, but I was already so full of anger in the M, (caused problems of course), that I do feel a 180 is best for me. I need to be calm, cool and focused.
I know doing the DB and 180, helps me cope and it helps ME look at things about MYSELF I need to change. THAT is always a positive thing no matter what happens. If H is happy "as is" then so be it. It is not my problem.
I may not bring up the phy R issue tomorrow. I agree with you that H may say I am "lying". I don't lie, but if I were H, I'd think it odd that for 3 months I never wanted anything phy and now I make the point I do. A physical hunger just gets buried under all the anger. It is still there nonetheless.
I decided during H's and I's meeting this morning, I am done trying to change myself so H changes his mind. I finally am resolved the M is over.I will continue the changes for myself, and only for myself.
H is so cut and dried, and cold- acts like the whole M meant nothing. Anyway, I cannot keep "trying" when all indications are H is done. The logical engineer in H showed in an ugly form this morning. H said once I am out, I will need to call before I visit my pet. Basically implied he will have someone at the house. That is, of course going to happen (dating for H as soon as he can do it, not high on my list), but how about NOT rubbing my nose in it.
I need to retain my self respect and I won't be doing any more to try to convince H through my "positive actions" that he's making a mistake ending M. H wants OUT of the M, so that is what he will get. H's mind is set and that is that.
I still have two phone coaching sessions, but will use these for helping myself cope.
Hang in there, I hope all works out for you and your H!
. H said once I am out, I will need to call before I visit my pet. Basically implied he will have someone at the house. That is, of course going to happen (dating for H as soon as he can do it, not high on my list), but how about NOT rubbing my nose in it.
So how did you arrive at that conclusion?
Mind-reading is counterproductive and unattractive. Your H is not attracted to you, do you understand why? He feels like you don't want him, his positive emotions are turned off towards you.
Google Martin Seligman and Learned Optimism. You have a pessimistic style of thinking. How you think causes you to feel defeated. Change your thinking and you change your feelings. Whether you you save your M or not your next relationship will follow the same dynamics until you become aware of how you "see" the world. I promise Seligman will help you if you do the work.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I arrived at that conclusion because H and I have a sx less M. H stated he needs that in his life, in order to be happy, his words. So, I assumed, because I am hurting, he'd have other women here, asap. I based that on his past, that is what H does. H replaces women quickly, easily.
I realize it's none of my business what H does after I leave, and is counterproductive to think along those lines. Things are just very raw for me. It hasn't been a month since the bomb dropped. I am still adjusting.
You are right, I know I am a pessimist. I realize that and I am working on making changes. Obviously I am far from there yet. I will Google Seligman.
When H said all he said, I took at face value, H meant it. I have lived with H for almost 15 years, he carefully picks his words and only says what he means. I don't always mean what I say. Another thing I need to change.
H doesn't think I want him? I told him this morning splitting up is not what I want. H stated there is NO hope we can stay a couple. Why shouldn't I believe him.
Most likely the subtle nuances of this roller coaster ride are passing me by.I am struggling with the DB/180, as I feel it is giving me a false sense of hope.
I told H I was sorry I hurt him and didn't wish to hurt him anymore.
I know, all new relationships will fail if we don't do an autopsy on why the last one failed.
I'd have to agree with the Martin Seligman learned optimisim as being a very good read. This with a few others I've came accross, as they might not help me with my stich but my friends and coworkers all have noticed the changes I've been able to apply because of the insight I've gained from changing my views and attitude on a lot of things in life.
What should my answer be when H asks me out to dinner?
One mimute it's "we will be getting a leg sep, M is over", and the next it's "would you like to out for an early dinner". I had already eaten so I thanked H and said no. H looked "sad", and surprised. An hour later when I walked into living room freshly showered, with make up on and nicely dressed, H looked "shocked".
You engineers out there- do you ever really say one thing, and mean another?It hasn't been my experience with my H.
