Coping every day

[Susan1Survivor]

Hi Everyone

This is my first post.

H told me 2 weeks ago we were dead as a couple, didn't love each other, were no longer friends, didn't have any intimacy, he had lost hope, etcetcetc, that he wanted to split up. We have been married 14 years, trouble off and on, mostly never learning how to respect each other, fighting the same old battles over and over. ME being angry ALOT. Add in stepdaughter and his family issues to the existing problems and it's quite a boiling kettle of woe.
When H dropped the bomb, I pleaded, cried, begged, yelled. I could see that H just got more set in his decision, and became colder. I felt shamed and weak that I reacted that way and the next morning decided to woman up and get busy changing myself and how I responded to this whole situation.

I found DB and it really helps. It helps us to calmly approach what is happening so we can recognize our own behaviors. Until we do this we cannot either repair the damage to our marriages or end up divorced with dignity.THIS is important. Please don't ever lose sight that one must always preserve their dignity.

I have seen H show some positive signs to my changes-I am being calm, happy, positive, asking NO questions, smiling, etc.
Not sure of my future, still believe we will separate, then divorce at some point as H is is a retired engineer and once engineers make up their minds about something, they usually don't change course.

I am taking things one day at a time.It's hard, and some days I feel hopeless, other days I feel like I am conquering the world!

Thanks everyone, I have been reading the posts and they are very helpful.

Me -55
H-62

[Susan1Survivor]

SQ

[Nikita Belle]

S- Welcome. And ((((hugs)))) to you. We're all in this boat together and it does suck. I've been DBing since Feb/March but as you can see from my thread I'm losing hope of reconciliation and don't know if I even want to anymore. We're still living together, which is hard, but also somewhat comforting b/c it's a transition of sorts.

Please tell us more when you're ready- there are some great vets on here with lots of experience.

take care--

[Fightingforher]

S-

I'm really sorry you ended up here. I myself have been on here for a few months and where my outlook doesn't look good I can tell you I'm a much stronger and healthier person because of this site/forum. I've taken the advise of so many and it's helped me out so much.

I've learned to work on my issues that contributed to the downfall of my M. I've also started taking my life back which has been therapy in itself. Stay strong and keep an open mind.

[pinhead]

Susan,

Sorry you're here. It sucks. But the best thing about this is that there's a tremendous number of really kind people who will try to help you through this.

[Susan1Survivor]

Hi NB,

I read many of your posts and I am so sorry you are going through this "hell on Earth". We all need the support we can provide each other-I am here for you.

Thank you for the support. The timetable for my move out of the house, ( H owns house), per H is November, after Thanksgiving.I am having surgery end of Sept and H says I should be healed and ready to leave by November.My usual reaction would have been "I'll leave when I'm darn well ready". Now, since using the DB methods, I am agreeable with everything. I make my case when I need to in our bi-weekly "meetings", but I am calm, pleasant, SAFE to talk to. The way I see it, alot can happen between now and November. Time is our ally.
With that said, I agree with you- it is hard to be in limbo, but it gives us time to become wiser, stronger and healthier emotionally before we separate or D. In the event we all do get to the D stage, we will be able to know we really really tried to save our marriages. Time allows us to discover who we really are underneath all the anger, fear, neediness, etc. We will be better people because of DB techniques. While in limboland, I feel we just need to do the DB every day, pat ourselves on the back for staying calm and focused, and move forward, wherever that takes us. It is scary, and I feel scared and afraid several times each day of what the future holds for me. BUT at least since I have been doing DB, I do feel more in control of MY destiny and that is so powerful!
One not so great thing is that I was laid off from my job in April this year!! I am just taking it one step at a time.

Please just remember not to focus on what you did "wrong", but rather focus on what you are doing "right".

Take care and be good to yourself every day, you deserve it.

[Susan1Survivor]

Hi Fighting,

I am so sorry you are having marital problems. You sound very focused and strong to me, keep it going!!

Thank you for the wise words- I am keeping an open mind. Some days I feel "weak", other days I feel somewhat stronger.

I agree with you- we all become much stronger once we start admitting our "flaws", take responsibility for them, incorporate DB into our lives and move forward.

I am aware and have admitted to myself that I am responsible for half the cause of my martial woes. I am no longer angry at myself, I have forgiven myself and my H for the way we destroyed our marriage. It does take two, but one spouse certainly can set a negative tone. Over the years my H and I did everything we could to destroy love and respect, because we never learned how to be friends. Look at how we treat our friends- do we treat our spouses that way? No, we don't- we think we are right, make our points, state our spouse is wrong, our needs come first, rather than doing what strengthens the marriage. I wish I would have found DB 14 years ago. I think it should be read by all couples before they marry. This is my second marriage and I didn't learn a thing the first time around about handling myself in a marriage.

At this point, I am just trying to be the best friend I can, to myself and my H.
H is noticing that I have begun changing- he mentioned that I seem happier.He did ask if I was pretending to be happy or was I in denial we were splitting. I smiled and said I am just thinking about things. H had a puzzled look on his face.I then steered the conversation to neutral ground. DB works.

Keep fighting, in a constructive way of course, and continue to be brave every day. Please keep me posted on how you are doing.

One thing I feel is very important for everyone doing DB. If you aren't doing it already, please be sure to keep all DB books, journals, etc, hidden so spouse cannot see them. At this point you don't want spouse to know you are doing DB. I believe they will see it as a trap or ?

Take care

[Susan1Survivor]

Hi Pinhead,

Thanks!

Yes, so many people here and so supportive.

In a perfect world, the forums would be empty..Hopefully the more DB gets out there, the D rate will drop.

Take care and be strong

[Susan1Survivor]

Hi NB,

How are you?

I wanted to add a few more things about myself since you kindly asked me to when you responded to my first posting.

Second marriage for both H and I. 14 years M. No kids for me, H has a 38 year old daughter, one 4 year old granddaughter. Daughter and granddaughter are apples of H's eye.

Problems with stepdaughter, has H wrapped around finger.Bone of contention for me. I made matters worse last time she visited (July 2010) and spilled hot cereal on my new leather recliner I paid for. I told her how she needed to act in my house, calmly.H didn't approve and didn't support me in this. H told me years ago if I get between he and his daughter or family I'd lose..then a few days after SD visit he dropped the bomb.

We live in his home, I have no financial claim on his home. So I will be moving out in November if all goes according to H timetable. I do feel the spouse who stays in the home has it easier in a split, as they are around comforting and usual surroundings. I guess those of us who will be moving out to a new place will just have to find comfort in knowing we finally arrived at the end of the guessing and waiting. Being in Limboland is not easy, but as I said in previous reply, it does give us time to use DB and see where that takes us.

If anyone out there is an engineer , please give me some insight into how you think! My H is a retired aerospace engineer and is very rigid in his thinking.No emotions show.

Take care

[john28]

S -

First, I'm an engineer, so hopefully I will give you some insight.

You're right that engineers make up their mind about something and then they go to do it. In your H's mind, everything right now are things you have done. He probably doesn't think he's a contributor to the M problems. Therefore, he's decided that in order to get rid of these problems, he has to get rid of you.

This is where you can start working - stop doing those things that brought you to this unhappy place. Nagging, yelling, telling SD what to do, all of those things that might be problem areas for him. Start doing a 180 NOW.

It's my opinion as an engineer that we don't fix things that aren't broken. If they are working and functioning as they should, we don't go looking for problems with them. We won't re-engineer the wheel.

If you start doing 180's he'll see that slowly you're "fixed" and he might be inclined to resume some form of relationship, friendship at first, maybe M later down the road.

The thing is, engineers don't question themselves at any point after they've made a decision unless they see clear indications that they've made a bad decision. Then they'll explore that alternative decision with caution, still thinking they're original was the right one.

Just some experience from someone who is an engineer, and my father was an engineer too. We're VERY logical thinkers. If something logical is thrown our way (hey - she's nice, fun, likes being around me...) we will entertain it.

You have one good thing going for you here - you're in the same house. Steady DB will keep you there.