Going straight forward...antlers 6th thread.

[Gardener]

I haven't seen my 13 y/o daughter in over 4 months! She's being 'encouraged' and 'schooled' by my STBXW.

Damn, ant, isn't there something your L can do about this?

[antlers]

I haven't seen my 13 y/o daughter in over 4 months! She's being 'encouraged' and 'schooled' by my STBXW.

Damn, ant, isn't there something your L can do about this?

Hi G.

The kids are of the age that they have a say-so as to where they want to stay. That's what my attorney, and the GAL both say. The trial is on Wednesday. Wife is trying to get custody of our kids so that I'll have to pay her triple the amount of child support that I'm already paying now. It's bad. It's scortched earth, no holds barred litigation...from her side.

[antlers]

I responded yesterday and said...

"Your hypocrisy is unfathomable."

She replies with...

"Can't stand for anyone to call your bluff can you?"

I said...

"I can't stand hypocrisy, and YOU are the epitome of hypocrisy. You've done the very thing with our daughter that you falsely accuse me of with our son."

She then said...

"Daughter's decision is solely based on your abusive behavior towards her and the favoritism you show towards son. Son's decision is based on the lies you've told him, especially about me, and you buying him stuff to stay with you".



The fact is that my daughter's decision is based upon 'encouragement' and 'schooling' from my STBXW and her family. They haven't been as successful with my son. He has been able to see through her lies, deceipt, and manipulation...and that of her family. His decision (and it is totally his decision) is based solely upon the way she is 'now' compared to the way that I am 'now'.

[Gypsy]

Hey ant..

Sorry to read that things are still so contentious; that your children are stuck in a tug of war over which they have no control.

Cuz.. really. They are the children. You are the adults. You would not give them carte blanche to set their own curfews, decide to start driving, drinking, play roulette with loaded firearms, watch or buy porn.

Kids at this age aren't mature enough. Kids need both parents.

And each parent who's unable to see their child accuses the other parent of the same type of manipulation.

Something is extremely unbalanced when children below the age of driving have the control to eliminate a parent from their lives.. at least a non abusive, danger to their well being one.

With that said, it's probably to your advantage if your son continues to stay with you. After all, possession is 9/10th's of the law. And if this estrangement continues consider having something written in about siblings being able to have time together without worrying about being 'snatched' by the other parent.

In this contest of wills, no one wins. Don't respond or try to explain things to your divorcing spouse. Toss in the validation (I can understand why you feel that way) and let it go. This is a cheeseless tunnel coated with explosives.

Here's something from FIB's thread by Bworl:


"The important thing here FIB is that you WANT a close and regular relationship with your children. If you want it, you will find a way, through time and trial and error, to have as close a relationship as you can have given the situation.

I feel for everyone who lose that every day contact with their kids as a result of divorce or separation. The truth is that there is no perfect answer in these situations, which simply emphasizes again the sanctity of marriage and why it is important to do everything possible to keep a marriage healthy, viable, and lasting."

"Again I will say that your children will never doubt that you WANT to be in their lives each and every day. While that does not fill your empty times, it does mean that your children will never be without their father, whether present with them or right at the front of their heart."

*hugs*

[antlers]

HI Antlers,

Have you ever asked your attny how to respond to these types of messages?

As I learned in therapy when somebody reaches a *certain* psychological point no amount of validation will EVER work. Period. For over a year I validated my H up and down and all that did was give him a forum to bash, blame and emotionally abuse me to a point that was beyond cruel. When one reaches the point of emotionally abusing somebody (which I feel your W is doing) validation is fruitless.

Your W, my H were not emotional abusers prior to divorce but something in them clicked and put them on this path. My H's verbal abuse, manipulation and emotional blackmail became so bad my attny had to step in after talking to my psych. Nobody should have to endure that just to keep things "civil" during legal proceedings.

Just so you know, this type of treatment is VERY common among people who are guilty. So they don't feel remorse for their behavior they keep on slamming. It is very alarming to be on the receiving end. I put in an effort that was nothing short of REMARKABLE to deal with it until my attny decided enough was enough. Nobody should have to be verbablly abused and I don't care who says what about DB'ing. If validation leads to more abuse and tirades then you are dealing with something more than a WAS.

I always have you in my thoughts and will be sending you every bit of strength I have for your proceedings on Wed.

xoxox
CityGirl

Hello CityGirl. I always appreciate your straight talk and logical posts.

I've talked with my L about it some, and she said it'd be more trouble than it was worth at the time...more expense and legalese. Now, we're so close to the trial, that it doesn't matter at this point.

I agree. I validated her for 19 months, and I honestly don't think it did one bit of good. She reached a certain psychological point, just as you said, that validation was fruitless...she was completely different from the person that I've known for 2 decades. She has used my validation to bash and blame me without taking any responsibility for anything herself. It's been hard for me to understand...hard for me to get my brain around how she could be this way. To know that you experienced the same thing kinda helps me understand.

Nope, she was completely different before she made the decision to leave. I do believe, as you said, that something in her 'clicked' and put her on this path. It's like she is hell bent on doing this, regardless of the consequences, regardless of the damage to our kids. She has in fact put forth more effort to make it much worse than it should have been...for everybody involved. And she doesn't seem to be bothered by it at all. Again, hard for me to understand how she could be this way.

I've wondered if she feels guilty...about anything! She sure seems to be 'driven'. Heartless! And I've thought that maybe she needs to be this way in order to 'justify' her decisions...to continue to 'convince' herself that what she is doing is right. Or, as you say, so she doesn't feel any remorse she just keeps on being mean. I've dealt with it quite well, I believe...but all of my validation has just led to more attacks and hatred on her part. Your explanation, and take on this kind of behavior, kinda helps me get my brain around it. Could you clarify...what else would one be dealing with in a situation such as this besides a WAS?

Thank you for sending good thoughts my way, especially for the trial on Wednesday. I need it. I hope and pray that she doesn't get full custody of our kids. I'll send some good thoughts your way too CityGirl. Thank you for your post to me.


antlers

[antlers]

"What's wrong with sitting home alone?

You're only alone if you don't like the person you're with...think about it.

You must get to a place where you are okay with being alone before trying to enter into a relationship. Otherwise, you come across as "needy" and "desperate" and those are the exact kinds of people you will attract.

Remember, you don't attract what you want, you attract what you are. That might be hard to hear, but it's true." - Golfgirl1


Saw this on Gardener's thread and I liked it.

[antlers]

I found this on Gardener's thread also...

Keep telling yourself that you can heal from this.

You are a good person.

No one deserves to be abandoned.
Nothing you did warranted this kind of
treatment from the woman who promised
to love you.

The issue is within your wife.
It is a flaw in her that has caused
her to walk out on you.
You do deserve better treatment.

It is better to be alone and happy
than to be with someone who
would choose to leave you."

Susan J. Anderson
The Journey From Abandonment To Healing.

[antlers]

Hi Gypsy.

Yeah, things are very contentious...and the kids are stuck in a tug of war over which they have no control. But it's a tug of war waged by their mother, and the kids are innocent victims of this war. I didn't want it...but I'm gonna fight with everything I can for my kids...to keep her from taking them away from me.

It's hard for me to understand how mean she is now...how she's hell bent on destruction, especially concerning the kids, and causing me pain and financial difficulty. She's certainly different than I've ever known her to be.

[DaddyLongShanks]

Hi Gypsy.

Yeah, things are very contentious...and the kids are stuck in a tug of war over which they have no control. But it's a tug of war waged by their mother, and the kids are innocent victims of this war. I didn't want it...but I'm gonna fight with everything I can for my kids...to keep her from taking them away from me.

It's hard for me to understand how mean she is now...how she's hell bent on destruction, especially concerning the kids, and causing me pain and financial difficulty. She's certainly different than I've ever known her to be.

Its common. The WAS because they are not in the wrong, will turn things around on the LBS. I feel miserable, it MUST be you.

Its amazing that you can get cheated on for getting cheated on, and in the end you become the scapegoat for everything.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Antlers, you're going through a rough patch and I know things will smooth out after the D is done. You're doing a great job of keeping your priorities straight. I really don't think you should engage in any kind of texting wars with STBXW, it'll only make you both further upset. Just bite your tongue and let it be at least until the D is done or I suppose you could just tell her to leave you alone without discussing anything else like Gucci suggested. You should tell her you're done, you've accepted the current situation and you'll be fine. When we keep engaging them it feeds the fire and they think we're still hurting and we're in pain which furthers their excitement. At least that's my logic.

I know your court date is coming up in a couple of days, be strong, yes it's a bit awkward and strange but you'll be OK!!!