Did their mom know how to change a light bulb before she left? And this is the same person you left in charge of the kids when you were putting your life on the line.
And you are the dad, a father. And your kids' welfare comes first. However based on a court agreement it is her right to accept or reject your assistance if offered. It is her decision if she chooses to ask for your help.
What can you do as a concerned parent if she cuts you off?
You have that handy dandy online legal site where everything is documented.
You have kids who know how to use the phone. And are old enough and aware enough to speak up to her and/or you if they have concerns.
Sharing my experience was not showing my maternal skill-set. It's just that you manage as best you can. If she consistently shows an inability to sufficiently care for her children, document it. If she is unwilling to accept your assistance while in a drugged state, document it. If you truly feel your children are at risk, remove them from the danger and worry about the consequences later.
But you're a smart guy. You already know all that.
Your love and care for your children resonates in all your actions. But at the core.. it's like it seems that you try to control your divorcing spouse through helping without being asked. By assuming that you know her needs based on the prior relationship shared as husband and wife.
It hurts to be rejected, especially for something that is at the core of your being. Giving with love. Taking care of things.
And however I try to bumble through this.. it's where it seems that the downfall is. When you're exceptionally nurturing and caring to her, she thanks you.. then turns around and thwacks you upside the head with a red hot iron skillet.
And it's painful to be on the sideline as a parent.
Did she know how to change lightbulb pre-D? No. I didn't know that at the time, though -- I was always the one who changed them. She could recognize when a bulb was burned out in a lamp, say, but inside a fixture like you have in a bathroom? For all she knew there were pixies inside of it.
Anyway, it's all mox nix at this point.
I spent the better part of the last week running numbers and scenarios, and they all add up to....I can't afford to live here -- not with shared custody, and not on what I'm paid.
Time to cowboy up and enjoy my last year of active parenting.
I spent the better part of the last week running numbers and scenarios, and they all add up to....I can't afford to live here -- not with shared custody, and not on what I'm paid.
Do you think that is being used to drag this out and used as leverage in the end?
You are on my prayer list SP.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Thanks for that, Coach. I think she's indeed trying to leverage the outcome by running my well dry; that's the only possible explanation (in my POV) for her lawyer's insistence only on writing letters -- never speaking -- and on simply saying "no" to every initiative, no matter how trivial.
I suppose one can pretend what's real isn't, but at the end of the day you can't run from the facts. That's one of the great DB lessons, isn't it?
Barring a major lottery win -- which would be a good trick, since I don't buy lottery tickets -- it would appear that the clock is ticking on my continued residence in Coastal State.
I have an interview in Pennsylvania next month, as well as one in southern Virginia. The idea of only 2 months in the summer with Themselves is repellent to me, but so is the idea of not having enough to sustain them here in Coastal State (and the idea of having them compare their life with me to their life with STBX just a few miles away).
And on top of it, STBX continues to STBX. She seems unable to tolerate my being Darkly. She's like a dog with a bone on this friends-during-divorce notion Walkaways seem to get and finds every excuse to torment me with it: "I never wanted there to be this distance between us."
Ummm, Earth to Planet STBX, WTF, over?
Maybe I'm just thin-skinned, but when someone says she has no feelings for me, isn't attracted to me, has no respect for me as a man, has built a wall against me, has to leave me or she'll die, needs to be able to explore her sexuality and that's impossible with me, loathes me, wishes I would just die, is reminded every time she's with the various Signores Schmuckatelli how great it is, tells the children dumping me was the best thing she's ever done in her life, well.........
That seems pretty, oh, "distance-y" to me. But maybe it's just me. But when I was DB'ing, trying to close the distance, being Smiley, doing the outings, all the DB Telephone Coach Repertoire, there was no response.
But now STBX will, in the midst of an otherwise completely ordinary child custody e-mail, whip out as evidence of my perfidy this "opening" she (claims to have) tried to create: "I tried, but you're obviously uninterested. Lesson learned."
And what was this "offer?" Hey, um, if you ever feel like grabbing a coffee or something for a few minutes, give me a shout and maybe we could meet at the cafe in the morning and shoot the sh*t -- nothing specific, you know, whenever.
LOL. Fear commitment much? I love the quadripple conditionals and the ultimate passing of the buck to me -- so if coffee never materializes it will be my fault.
And the d*mnedest thing is that she wants Themselves to have passports so she can take them to European Capital, where the latest Signore Schmuckatelli resides, but the law requires that we BOTH be present when their applications are processed.
So that should be a pleasant hour or two in line....
Interesting on the passports. XW just got one for one of my sons, all I had to do was sign the form and get it notarized. Then I took it to her, and she took care of it. I don't believe that you have to be there, make sure!
Why would she get custody when her scheduling choices (and work schedule) don't match up with the kids' needs? When you are the nurturing parent with documented proof, no less?
Aren't there lawyers who know how to rip the velcro butts off the other? Why is she in the driver's seat? After all, the best defense is a good offense.
You're filled with angst when your kids are limited to cereal and soda pop at their mom's house. And now you might possibly be limited to two months a year?
Go guerrilla warfare on her. Nip, gnash, unsettle her position to the point where your are the pain in the ass and she just wants to be done with you.
Why would she get custody when her scheduling choices (and work schedule) don't match up with the kids' needs? When you are the nurturing parent with documented proof, no less?
Because I can't afford to live here on what I make, and the fattest job market for my particular skillset is on the other coast.
Quote:
You're filled with angst when your kids are limited to cereal and soda pop at their mom's house. And now you might possibly be limited to two months a year?
And now perhaps you understand why I'm filled with angst at such times.
------ Re: Passports. This is what the Gubmint says: When applying for a minor under age 16, both parent(s)/guardian(s) must present acceptable identification at the time of application.
I could consent w/notarized documentation if there was a custody decree, but since the D isn't final yet there isn't one. Bit of a Catch-22.
I'm kind of unclear on why you don't see filing for primary custody as an option? So themselves can live with you where your job market is best and visit STBX for two months in the summer?
Is Cali that tilted in favor of Sacred Motherhood that you don't even think it's worth trying?
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
