When a man chases and pursues a woman who is showing and telling him she wants out or isn't interested in him in romantic way he makes things even WORSE for himself.
Women can NOT be attracted to a man who pursues her if she is giving him hints that she doesn't want him. It actually turns her OFF. She may feel pity or sorry for you, but she just can NOT feel the kind of feelings that make her heart flutter. We again know from your situation and the things you have tried to do to win her love back that this reality holds true. You are just another of a long list of men on this site who have tried these same things to no avail..
Your WS is doing the exact same thing you are. How can you wonder why she is doing what she is doing, when YOU are doing the same thing? She doesn't FEEL love for you. Thus she doesn't want to be with you. She is following her feelings. YOU FEEL love for her and even admit time and again that you can't help yourself when you talk to her or see her because of YOUR emotions and feelings..
So, why can't YOU understand what she is doing? You are doing the same thing. Stuck on following emotions.
One thing I know for sure and without a shadow of a doubt..
The SOONER you let her go and let her wonder if you are over her, is the sooner you will get her back if you have any chance.
The longer you take to let go, and the more you keep telling us that you want to try EVERYTHING, the less chance you have of her coming back. It is like a slow drip..drip drip drip.. Slowly any chance of love drips away..
The people on this site who try the hardest are the ones who have the least success. The harder they try the more they get rejected. Those who let go the fastest, heal the quickest and also are the ones who maximize their chances of getting the wayward back. It is only when you let go that you have your best chance.
We even argued about the separation time she said Jan 7th this year, but we were intimate in Feb so that wipes that. Plus no one really knew that we were D till we told our S in the middle of April. (W tells me to choose)
best date: "april 7th of last year, you left a pot in the sink on your night to wash the dishes. I cannot live with a slob like you..."
if you stop thinking about her tomorrow and compulse about something else things will start looking up for you.
THANKS for the advice, I’m doing my best to keep to the no contact epically when our S is visiting family. It's not much but it's a start I guess Right?
Hey Sandi, Hope all is well, just finished a paper for my class. Just wanted to know if you had any thoughts on this? Do you think my W could be telling the truth that she has not been in touch w/OM; and is going through withdrawals of what she feels and that she did? Or so called coming out of the FOG this is just all confusing to me & I just don’t want to get played again; it doesn’t help with our last outing on Weds.
I shouldn’t have done a lot of the things I said (my feelings) but I did. I’m doing my best now with the no contact at all. The only time we should talk or text next is about 2weeks when I get to see my S before they leave to go back Home together for the family summer get-together. Other than that I’m sticking to I have a life and will go on.
This is just tough and sometimes think is just Silly (I know silly isn’t the right word) but we could make our M stronger than before and start new and have the life and dreams that we want it doesn’t have to be difficult like this. I guess I just have to do a better job at being Mysterious and acting as-if I’m ok to move on from here.
I will and must have patience I guess. One day at a time, as for the W she thinks the D will end all the emotional drama that is going on with ourselves each day and maybe the hostility between us.
I know every person’s situation is different and unique & I know my wife best, as she is also finally dealing with issues from her past as well. It just sucks because on one hand she has hurt me a lot (but I can forgive & move forward). I also know she is hurting from other things as well as our M. She thinks a D would make life easier How?
We’ll talk to you later or anyone else as always thanks for the support and advice Hope
Hi Hope.....just seeing this thread. I agree with everything Gucci said. Even if she's not in contact with OM and even if she's going through withdrawal.....she's saying she doesn't want you. Yes, she could be reacting to emotions...just as you have been reacting. It is pressure for both of you, you each just respond differently.
You are working hard, but here's the thing....you are living in panic and it shows through your words, your actions and even (I'm sure) your facial expressions. She's your W and she knows you better than anyone. She knows you are freaking out even if you try to fake it.
What is hard for you to understand is why she can't look at what the two of you "could" have together. But she is in a completely different mindset than you are. The more frightened you become at the possibility of her leaving the M, the more emotional pressure you are throwing at her. You are frustrated b/c she won't see it your way. She can't deal with it and just wants out.
As bad as this will hurt you to read....I think your only chance is to set her free. One reason you want her so badly is b/c she "doesn't" want you. It happens all the time in this type of stitch.
If she thought you were done and moving on....then it may make a difference. The key would be in you being able to truly do that. If it is simply a technique to try to get her back, she'll see through it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Just read your sitch and I'm certainly at a point in my life where I feel like I'm getting my life back. My sitch is very similar, W has OM definitely an EA possibly PA, not sure. We have a 2.5 year old son.
4 months I've been riding this roller coster. I've heard it all from I want a D to let's work on our M. The bottom line is my W has no idea what she wants. I in turn acted on mixed emotions that I had and it got me nowhere. I know it's hard to hear but the best thing I did was "drop the rope". I had to let her go.
We still live in the same house but with a bit of luck and if the stars align properly, I'll be able to purchase the home at the end of the month. My W has found a place for her and my son nearby.
I welcome this separation and it couldn't have come at a better time. I consumed myself with OM and it took over my life. You need to let her go and just work on you and if the R is meant to be she'll come running back.
I know that most sitch don't have the fairy tale ending but you never know.
M: 36 W: 29 S: 2.5 EA: 2/2010 OM1 D Bomb: 3/2010 PA: 6/2010 OM2 W moved out 8/2010 Loc: DE, USA
Hey guys, Thanks as tough and as hard as this is we are in two different spots right now.. We just have so much that seems unresolved in our. M; however I need to continue to move on with or without my W (easier said than done). I have to just cut the rope.
I hope in doing this it might bring us back together. I appreciate all the support and advice that everyone gives!! I would welcome any advice or tips that may help during this process so I don’t mess up anymore than I have.
No matter what I will not lose my Hope and I want to expect the impossible!!
I’m going to try and link some of my threads to this one so I don’t confuse anyone with my story.
No advice here, just some kind words, I will pray for you and your happiness. I am sorry you are dealing with this and I hope that you succeed in making your marrige work and when you do I hope you continue to change and don't back to your old ways. Jeff
Ok guys can anyone help me with goals, tips, or advice while I do my best to stay out of touch with W (I guess going dark)? When I’m in touch with her b/c of our S, do I just act as if things are fine and I’m moving on? What do you all think is my best move?
I’m continuing to work on myself by focusing on time with S, going to the gym, finishing school, working on my resume and trying to hang out with my friends. As well as getting support and advice from here (which is greatly appreciated). This whole situation sucks, but I do have to say I actually feel like I have gotten my confidence back.
As I think for a long time I always put myself last and lost my backbone. I guess that’s a plus only if it were that easy to get my M back on track...
