I continue to learn a lot from your journey, your process ... and I agree with you about the LBS journey - how it must start with standing for your S and your M. While standing, some here will begin to really see their strength and character, perhaps for the first time, and then they will choose to take that next step forward, to really detach and focus on themselves and that's when their journey begins to evolve.
I too am seeing things come to the surface for the first time in my life, and I'm starting to understand that they are surfacing now because I am ready and able to deal with them. I am strong and getting stronger.
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
Anyone can react to the fire in their belly.
It takes a stronger person to stand there with courage. Steadfast in your own belief and character.
And learn a better way through your own pain.
Learn that YOU control how to react to another. That you are not a victim of another's actions.
Then you are no longer a burden to the world, but a contributor.
You are no longer part of the problem, but help in the solution.
I am one who has walked that other path.
I can only say that choosing this one has made all the difference.
Amen brotha.
PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
And there in lies the difference between moving FORWARD and moving ON.
No one here ever says to stop living your life and simply wait for your wayward S to return. In fact, what we talk about is exactly the opposite.
The only thing that we don't advocate is dating, UNTIL you really are ready to move on.
Loving detatchment, and moving FORWARD, allows the LBS to know when they truly are ready to move ON.
I think that so many friends and family want to see some sort of outward expression that we the LBS are okay, that we have "accepted" what the WAW/MLCer has done or choosen.
Dating or "Moving On" to someone else is definitely an outward expression and they can say to themselves " LBS is okay, I don't have to worry about them anymore".
The thought never occured to them that you may not be interested in "moving on". It could be that we the LBS, lovingly detatch and don't move on to someone else not because we are waiting on the WAS but because we don't feel the need to have an R with another person right now.
I agree with Grit that it is a process to get to that point where you are truly ready to move on.
I think my point is that just because you get to that point of being ready to move on doesn't mean you have to move on to another person.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Did I detach from her? Yes. Did I detach with love? No.
^^^^^^ yep.
So important. So very important. And the difference between the person who moves on & harbors no resentment towards the other person, and someone who moves on & still can't stand their ex 20 years later.
Big difference.
I'm s'posed to be writing my column right now--and it just so happens it's on the power of forgiveness. Good timing, huh? It's important for US, not for them. Forgiving is never about the other person. And if someone thinks it is, they aren't truly letting themselves heal.
I might get 2x4d for this one... but...
I am actually looking forward to dating again. I don't know if *dating* is the right word. I am looking forward to getting to know someone, to trust someone, to take a chance on life again. And on love. It's knowing that my life isn't over. That I have so much to offer & that I deserve to be happy. It's believing in the power of love. And believing that it can, and will, happen to me again. Someday.
I'm not saying that I'm going to go off the deep end with the first man who comes along. If that were the case, I'd have been gone a long time ago. (and as a result, would probably NEVER found my way here).
Before the separation, and before these boards & the people on them, I vehemently denied that I would EVER even consider getting married again.
Now I truly believe that marriage can work. With two people who are dedicated to making it work. Together.
I'm not a hopeless romantic.
I'm a hopeful one.
Grounded in reality, but still believing.
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
I didn't undertsand that I had come through a major part of my journey until I recently looked back.
We start this journey by deciding on which path to take.
The one that leads us here is covered in briars and brambles. It is the tougher road.
What is it we seek at the end?
In the beginning it is to R our M.
And to heal ourselves.
To understand.
Along the way we do get answers
And we grow and understand.
Now at this point is where we just feel joy at our new found self. Our pain is manageable and we have confidence and courage in ourselves and so we look down the path and keep walking. And now the path is open and the sun shines down on us.
It is this part of the journey that we RECEIVE grace.
I know this has a mystical religious connotation. To me it is the capacity and ability to understand compassion and love.
And in my mind it can be given and received.
Receiving grace is wonderful and it makes us feel like we can go do anything.
When this happened for me I was overcome with joy.
Then I looked back at my W and wondered could she ever get to where I am.
She is really lost, I can't imagine spending my life with someone knowing what I know now, that doesn't get it. That isn't where I am.
What is the upside to me waiting?
Here is where the path diverges again in the wood.
He is where we feel we can choose the path with our new self and live a joyous life. We have finally found the path to happiness.
Was our goal to only come here and heal? To grow and find our new self?
I say to you all thank you for the GRACE you have GIVEN me. I'll be on my way.
Bye MLC/WAS. I know you are just confused and scared and well I really don't think you are capable of being a person I can be with now...
...Now that I am confident and the opposite of the way you made me feel.
Then if I do THAT what makes me any different than what she did to me?
She saw fault in me that she believed could not be changed.
But I am different aren't I?
The temptation in the face of complete rejection?
My spouse continues to reject themselves.
Or
Is this an opportunity for me to live what I believe.
To give the GRACE I have been given.
By leaving my spouse I confirm to them all the doubt they have in themselves, all the doubt they have about love and our M.
I have an opportunity, NOT an obligation.
An opportunity to live the true expression of what I believe it means to love another.
To give grace, to express love with no expectation...
of anything in return.
For me that is standing for my M in the face all doubt.
I know I do not have to say this to her.
My decision and my actions will speak this to her.
Until I have gone long enough so that I am whole.
I don't know how long that is.
I think I will know.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
