I have been thinking about a lot of this stuff today that has been posted on other's threads and I have a little perpective I'd like to share.
As I posted today I was married before my current W. I got married at 23. We dated through most of college.
She had the first A in 1995 as I posted. Three years later I found another communication from a different guy. Tried to get her to go to counseling. She went twice. Then said she didn't need to. Our M was just roomate status. We went to retrouveille. She left after a day and half...
Had a last valiant effort to get the M on track and went away for a weekend.. Well she ends up taking a call at 2 a.m. from another guy she met skiing while we are supposed to be working on our M. Gets out of our bed where we had just ML to go to another part of the house to finish the call. I heard the guy's voice when she answered the phone. She told me it was her girlfriend...well that was the end of the lying and the M.
WAW or MLC(kind of young for that) I don't know. Maybe just confused woman. I left and eventually we got a mutual uncontested divorce.
Now I didn't know about DB techniques but I don't remember pursuing etc. I wasn't mean just kind of let her do her thing, I did mine. She was the one who invited me on the last chance weekend to save the M.
My point is I guess I did do the expose the A thing, etc, and moved on with my life. Did that the first time and then it repeated. Gave her what she wanted after the second and third time. Space and all the time to carry on with whomever. I dated who I wanted and so there you go. The approach as directed in Newcomers. Not to the letter I admit.
All the talking in the world and she still did what she was going to do.
I know every case is different.
The difference is I never dealt with my anger and my doubts. It was easy to blame everything on her.
Well I am the poster child for the fact that you carry this crap forward.
This time is different. Coming here is different. It doesn't matter if my W is MLC or not.
Did I start out thinking my tactics would work?
Yes
Then, as I have posted, something changed. I learned about myself. I dealt with my pain and my anger.
IMO that part DOES NOT HAPPEN unless you stand for your M to begin with.
That is the time that you find out who you are. When you detach and look at yourself. You can't do that with anger and resentment in your heart.
THAT is the difference.
Doormat? I was in total control when I left my first W. No one was going to treat me that way and I walked off into the sunset with my swagger and bravado. No doormat when I left. With...
My anger.
IMO when you detach with love you have all the power in the world because you learned who you are.
You have learned that no one can take that from you.
That is real courage. That is real change.
You learn
Compassion
Charity
Faith
Honer
Grace
Dignity
Dignity? That is something you own yourself not what someone gives you.
None of these things does someone give you. Or refuse to give you.
YOU own them.
They are yours.
Anyone can react to the fire in their belly.
It takes a stronger person to stand there with courage. Steadfast in your own belief and character.
And learn a better way through your own pain.
Learn that YOU control how to react to another. That you are not a victim of another's actions.
Then you are no longer a burden to the world, but a contributor.
You are no longer part of the problem, but help in the solution.
I am one who has walked that other path.
I can only say that choosing this one has made all the difference.
Just sayin'
Just sayin' with all the confidence in the world...
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
That's all fine and well (loving detachment), and it's easier over time, but that doesn't mean you can't keep living your life and even move on if you are ready.
That's my two bits, anyway.
There's no point in being angry, there's no point in being supplicating and using a failed M was an excuse to walk around broken either.
Stuff happens. People make mistakes, life isn't always easy, so you heal, you get back up, and you keep on living, right?
Last edited by TimeHeals; 07/02/1001:36 AM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
And there in lies the difference between moving FORWARD and moving ON.
The first time, Grit moved on.
He didn't really heal, even if he might have thought he did.
He is learning that now. Curious how that may have affected this current M?
More than likely, it had some sort of negative impact.
This time, he may move on, but for now he is moving FORWARD.
Learning HOW to heal. WHAT it is that he needs to work on, so that this will NOT have anywhere near the impact on any future R that it could have had he followed the same path as his first M.
Originally Posted By: Timeheals
That's all fine and well (loving detachment), and it's easier over time, but that doesn't mean you can't keep living your life and even move on if you are ready.
Loving detatchment, is not just fine and well, it is something that is necessary, in order to really release the anger, hurt, and frustration that we LBS feel.
No one here ever says to stop living your life and simply wait for your wayward S to return. In fact, what we talk about is exactly the opposite.
The only thing that we don't advocate is dating, UNTIL you really are ready to move on.
It is game playing, a ploy, and basically something that in the end will end up hurting people who don't need to be hurt if you really aren't ready for it.
Loving detatchment, and moving FORWARD, allows the LBS to know when they truly are ready to move ON.
Grit, a huge day for you my friend.
(((Hugs)))
Oh crap, you made me be girly. Bonehead
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Are you implying I tell people to hold onto anger and resentment and get involved in relationships before they have at least worked through those feelings (and I would hope other issues as well)?
I think I sense an undercurrent in some of these posts of folks NOT really moving forward. I could be wrong.
I sense an almost need to hang onto something there.
Now... most folks can work through horrible grief in 2-6 months (nearly 70%), and I am not talking about cheating or failed marriages; I am talking about an earthquake that burries half the people you know in a city or the horror of real genocide. More than 2/3rds of the folks who go through those horrors are back to work and living life in 2-6 months.
About 15% of the people out there hold onto their greif like it's some kind of special treasure, like it is WHO they are. They do this for YEARS and YEARS (sometimes their whole life).
I worry about that 15%.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
True, your first wife - well, all of that was her choices, her stuff and frankly, I get the feeling that you are wondering if you should have done things differently. Cant change the past - you can only learn from it.
Dont get hung up on it either. Every single step, every second of our life leads us to where we are in this moment - which is exactly where we are supposed to be. This is all unfolding as it should. Your job right now is to take it in, use it, and keep going.
Look in front of you. Follow the steps of the path you are on. You cannot go wrong if you do.
So, be the best True you can be. Do more, help more, learn more - be more. That is when our journey really kicks in.
You are a good man, my friend. This is tough stuff. Really tough. Do not count the years, only the moments. That's the stuff that matters. When you realize, when you see and hear and feel what you are supposed to, when you change and grow and learn -those moments, those moments are the real deal.
