M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I think @Thinker's on to something. Read this today:
The simplest everyday way that narcissists show their exaggerated sense of self-importance is by talking about family...as if there is nobody else in the picture. Whatever they may be doing...they give the impression that they are bearing heroic responsibility [and] that they have to take care of everything because their spouses or co-workers are undependable, uncooperative, or otherwise unfit. They ignore or denigrate the abilities and contributions of others and complain that they receive no help at all...
They expect automatic compliance with their wishes...and may react with hurt or rage when these expectations are frustrated...
It's impossible to overemphasize the importance of narcissists' lack of empathy. It colors everything about them...A striking thing about narcissists that you'll notice if you know them for a long time is that their ideas of themselves and the world don't change with experience...In their imaginations, they are complete unto themselves, perfect and not in need of anything anyone else can give them...
The most telling thing that narcissists do is contradict themselves. They will do this virtually in the same sentence, without even stopping to take a breath...really, how could you think they'd ever have said that? You need to have your head examined! They will contradict facts...If you disagree with them, they'll say you're lying, making stuff up, or are crazy...
They are (a) extremely sensitive to personal criticism and (b) extremely critical of other people...
They lack a mature conscience and seem to be restrained only by fear of being punished or of damaging their reputations....
When I told STBX that I was going to ask some of the parents at school who are also attorneys for help in drafting my motion for child support, *Bang-o!*
"Oh, well, I'm sure it doesn't have to come to that...."
Because, you know, people might think poorly of Her Highness, or something.
fwiw, Smiley...your quote describes my xH precisely.
he's particularly good at continuing to look good, too. as a chaplain, he comes across as compassionate and empathetic...but it's all about just that--how he comes across. expectation of automatic compliance, talking about family as if bearing heroic responsibility. he was recommended for priesthood 4 months AFTER he left in large part of his "commitment to family and example as a good spouse and father."
the only time I ever felt physically threatened by him was when I threatened to expose to his work colleagues (since this was happening at work)--and he got in my face and screamed and threatened me.
I see some amazing similarities with your stbx.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
SP- I totally believe that your wife does have NPD. My mother seems to lean towards it (I hate to say it outright). It's all about her and her wants- ah, *gasp*-"you mean your not going to do what I want?!", instant tears, martyr role, evil daughter for not complying with mother's every whim.... I am reading some great books on how to deal with the mother with NPD. FOr some reason the sons seem to grown up ok but the daughters get manipulated or put down or criticized, verbally attacked, etc. Please watch for your daugher-built her esteem up ok- narc mom's seem to tear daughters down....
Last edited by june72; 06/17/1011:17 AM.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
It's all about her and her wants- ah, *gasp*-"you mean your not going to do what I want?!", instant tears, martyr role, evil daughter for not complying with mother's every whim....
This actually sounds more like BPD:
NPD: "I'm so superior that everyone else should adore me and love me and do what I want. Anyone who does not do this threatens my (actually very fragile)sense of superiority and is therefore evil."
BPD: "My emotional needs are so great that I can't even begin to think about anyone else. Everyone else should focus solely on filling my needs. Anyone who does not do this is abandoning me and is therefore evil."
Both end up being manipulative, angry, abusive, unempathetic, etc.
Both end up blaming others for their problems, conveniently adjusting facts to meet their views of the world, etc.
Neither will admit that they are actually even part of the problem.
Neither is capable of introspection, and therefore neither is capable of changing.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
It's nice to think of a 'them' and 'us', where we're right and they're wrong, they're unreasonable and we are the picture of calm and mental health.
Oddly enough, bipolar disorder is more widely diagnosed because new medicines can benefit finer and finer degrees of that disorder. Before only the huge swings of 'manic/depression' could be managed, if that. Now with medication and therapy folks can take control and move past the negative aspects of the disorder.
Narcissism tends to be an ingrained trait where traditional methods of treatment do not work. And based on this disorder, folks are highly unlikely to seek the integrated therapeutic approaches because of their subconscious fears.
To me, the difference comes down in seeking treatment and doing what it takes to get healthy. And I think core fears surface with both parties with a sense of entitlement kicking in.
I think the words 'selfish', 'sense of entitlement', 'revenge' along with many others come to mind. And in the end, the person who wants out most (to protect the children, save whatever assets are left) capitulate to finish the process.
Divorce is emotionally and financially devastating for all involved, the couple, kids, extended family, close friends.
I figure I tried to do the best job possible (which many times faltered) without intentionally inflicting harm. Perhaps I was too nice.. but that's a learning curve too.
And, I'm posting because I hate those sweeping generalizations, even when nasty behavior warrants those terms.
Someone recently told me, be wise as serpents, harmless as doves. I have yet to accomplish that.
Smile Guy.. I'm sorry you and your kids have to go through your divorcing spouse's asinine and irrational behavior. Are you seeking additional legal counsel? Only you know what will work for you.
Interesting- for years I thought BPD too but the negative snarky comments, put downs and attempting at controlling my life, etc. made me see things differently. Who knows?
Regardless, I think SP has to really take on the role of super parent- I just worry that the soon-to-be Mrs. SP can really affect their self-esteem (especially the girl they really cling to their moms....) Shame...
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
it's as if there's some ticking time bomb that we could only see in retrospect. there were subtleties...the self-absorption, the lack of self-insight but ability to read others amazingly well (altho rarely choosing to respond compassionately to their observations), the consistent prioritizing of self over marriage or children. and then something sets off the bomb--trauma, death of a family member, or just realizing they're middle-aged--and the brakes come off. take no prisoners, screw the collateral damage, I'm entitled to happiness by god and you're not gonna keep me from it...in fact, come to think of it, I'm entitled to whatever I decide I want at any given time. which includes my good reputation and being admired and adored by friends, colleagues and onlookers.
sound familiar? somebody really should do a study (can you tell I work in research now?) because this is such a consistent syndrome of behaviors, and it's so destructive to society in general...know any grant-writers?
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
