Gypsy, sometimes we can get so intent on carrying our pain, dealing with it that we forget that there are others out there who will help carry it with us. When I first read that passage it struck me "Wow, that's true, Jesus didn't even carry his own cross the whole way, he needed help" Somewhere there is always someone to help support us and that's God working too!
Opposing Counsel LawyerLady dispatched a couple letters to me this week, but she's doing it in a rather clever, ha!-diss'd-ya sort of way: her past practice was always to send correspondence to my former lawyer via fax and e-mail. To me, as if to say "you don't rate immediate attention," she sends everything by snail mail.
Whatever.
This week, LawyerLady sent a long letter basically informing me that she's going unilaterally halve the amount of child support STBX pays because STBX needs extra money for babysitting.
For the past 3 days, I've been working and reworking my reply -- must be very careful, thinks I -- but I did send an interim reply on one topic, communication, because she asked for an "immediate response."
LawyerLady wrote that STBX can't "tolerate" interruptions of her working day with e-mail or text messages from me -- I guess it's just too hard on the old girl to be reminded of my existence or something.
So LawyerLady "suggested" -- with a threat of judicial intervention -- that STBX and I confine all communications to this online product, OurFamilyWizard, which is visible to the Court and to counsel.
And to "sweeten" the deal, she said she would pay the one-year subscription of $99. Initially, I found that very insulting. She writes all kinds of stuff like that, basically creating the image of me just sort of lounging-around while STBX "spends all of her savings." She's really fond, for example, of writing that STBX needs to pay for a lot of babysitters "in order to do her job." As if I could help her out, or something, right? Like I don't have a job.
But after another nastygram from STBX I figured, "Why not?"
But (being SP Himself) I enrolled for 2 years rather than the 1 LawyerLady suggested. Why? Let's face it -- it's been almost 500 days since STBX dropped the bomb and she's still angry and lashing out, and we haven't even got to actual negotiations over the property distribution, so why assume another year would make that much difference?
[Plus, and this is admittedly my childish self at work, I know that, for whatever reason (and honestly I Just.Don't.Get.It.), it really bugs STBX that I won't engage with her "personally" (i.e., face-to-face, on the phone], so to say we'll keep the "impersonal" up for another 2 years must really irritate her. (Honestly, though, why would I would engage with her on a personal level, when there'd be no record of what she says?)]
And I notified STBX's attorney, as she requested, and provided her with the form she needs to get access (the thing about the system is that you give your lawyers and the Court permission to view all your communications) -- and whaddaya think happened?
Instant E-mail from STBX: Whoa! What's the big rush? Can't I have some time to think about this? Is it necessary to spend the money?
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. Be careful what you wish for, eh?
Because now there's an audience for everything. No more he-said/she-said; no more forwarding only bits and pieces of my e-mail to her lawyer, carefully reconstructed to make a point (which I discovered she'd been doing after I got a copy of the correspondence file between my former lawyer and hers); no more selective rewriting of history. It's all going to be down there, black-and-white-and-read-all-over.
It can also offer some tangible litigation benefits. One of STBX's litigation strategies has been to claim I am "inflexible." Now this coming week -- when (a) I had a two-day trip scheduled for a possible job interview and (b) I was intending to visit Coastal State Border City -- STBX is being sent to Other Coast Coastal City for business and asked if I would take her custody days -- "but no problem if you can't," she wrote, "because Babysitter can do overnights."
Ya. Right.
So I canceled my interview trip (it wasn't a very strong lead, and I wasn't all that interested in the gig in the first place (not least because it was in Former Confederate State, a place I saw much too much of in the Army)) and (much to my regret) postponed my train ticket for Coastal State Border City.
Now as you DB'ers know, this is the 3rd time I've canceled plans to accommodate STBX.
But now there's a record of it.
So much for the "Inflexibility" meme.
So this online thing turned out to really be one of the better decisions I've made thus far. I was able to delete the e-mail account I used just for STBX from my mobile phone (the online system generates a once-a-day digest of any messages received), and that alone felt like a weight being taken off.
So if you're having trouble with your STBX or X over issues like custody times, kid events, messaging and the like, let this be a recommendation to Check It Out, this online thing. The kids get accounts they can use to have private messages with their parents (not visible to the "other" parent); the parents have to deal openly, since both lawyers (or the Court or all of the above) get to look in on you; and there's no opportunities for My-Cell-Dropped-Your-Call-(Just As You Were Asking Me To Pick The Kids Up Tonight)-style B.S.
I am not a lawyer nor do I play one on TV. My former job kept me around a LOT of them. One did a study on post-divorce litigation and why. One rock-solid conclusion of the study was that lawyers don't play nice before, during or after divorce. The other good conclusion was that all that nastiness didn't have a positive impact on the children (as evidenced by court-ordered treatment and counseling).
The purpose of a chevauchee is to show that your sovereign can't protect you and to deny victuals and labor since the land can't be worked. It's a Bronx cheer on an army scale. So far STXW is denying you counsel and employment opportunity. How can you change the game? Can you turn this into a war of attrition or a media campaign or irregular warfare?
Henry V resurrected the chevauchee and came out with a stunning victory against all odds. He also died of camp fever. The odds favored that end for Hal because of his life of constant campaigning.
I like the OurFamilyWizard. Are there other ways that you can change the game? I only worry about you and themselves.
I checked out OurFamilyWizard a while ago and love the idea. So far I haven't been able to get stbx to agree to it. So far what she is balking at is the cost, but I believer her biggest issue with it (and the biggest advantage I would have) is the fact that it eliminates the selective rewriting of history.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
@Thinker -- you can pay for her. At that point there's no choice if you just start limiting your communications to the platform.
My challenge right now is that LawyerLady won't respond to, or acknowledge receipt of, any of my letters. I've had to send one registered mail on child support, because she's trying to do this trick 50% reduction again.
This, despite the fact that STBX's "business trip" to Other Coast Coastal City turns out, according to the Themselves, to be only a half-week of business and a half-week of (her words, per Themselves) "all about the fun with her friend."
Now I could give a rat's a** about what STBX does, but I did go to some effort to rearrange my schedule to help her "work," and LawyerLady ought to at least have the cojones to acknowledge that much.
I like -- snark -- how STBX also just out of the blue reneged on her plans with Themselves to take them on vacation the last week of August. "We'll" have to find alternate child care for them, says she. "What do you mean, 'we,' white man?" says I.
But I took them that week anyway. I mean, really -- what the fark?
Tucking them in last night, both of them asked me why Mommy likes her friends better than she likes them. I managed to squeeze out some "I can't speak for your mother, but I sure like you" mumbo-jumbo before kissing them goodnight. Then I went out to the driveway, got in the car, and screamed my head off.
Tucking them in last night, both of them asked me why Mommy likes her friends better than she likes them. I managed to squeeze out some "I can't speak for your mother, but I sure like you" mumbo-jumbo before kissing them goodnight.
Good Daddy... *hugs*
Then I went out to the driveway, got in the car, and screamed my head off.
Good Father.. Good Man... Good release.
*hugs*
You're great about defining what is in your power.. like not being able to speak for their mom but letting them know how incredible they are to you. A solid foundation built on love, caring and personal sense of responsibility for your children.
You're pretty neat.
Be the Dad.. there's none better.
*hugs*
PS.. Sounds like it's time to hire a lawyer who feeds on this type of scenario.
Even though all messages on OurFamilyWizard have court visibility, it wrote this day before yesterday:
I don't care how many extra days you take or how willing you are to take custody when I ask, I WILL NEVER RECIPROCATE!! And I don't care how many letters you write or motions you file, I WILL NEVER NEGOTIATE WITH YOU AND NEITHER WILL MY LAWYER!!
I'm sure the judge will be very happy to hear that a case is going to trial because the Petitioner -- the Petitioner, for the gods' sakes, the one who wanted the divorce in the first place -- refused to work towards a settlement.
Oooooo-kay.
It better start thinking clearly, though. Mandatory court hearing at the end of August. No settlement negotiations until then means they don't start in earnest until September, earliest. In one year of lawyering, nothing has been produced; which means it needs to start thinking about the fact that, unless there's something down by the end of December, all the money it paid this year will not be tax-deductible. And since money is what it cares about, maybe that will be a wake-up call -- though I'm doubtful.
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. Be careful what you wish for, eh?