W has PTSD and in MLC

[Truegritter]

to her it is you not getting that she doesn't want the marriage.

If this is true then this new information.

She has told me she doesn't want divorce.

She has told me "we are deliberately not divorced."

Now I know I am not supposed to believe what she says so maybe you're right.

Her recent actions are she went back to her pre M last name on FB.

Took me off as her H on FB

Said: I am not sure I want to be married to someone who won't help out when they know I have no money.

All this has been recent so yes this is new information and if you are right she is trying to tell me now that she doesn't want this M

Then my sitting here patiently is in and of itself an act of pressure.

Subtle as it is.

I think when we talk face to face I need to be prepared to hear those words directly from her lips.

I already know she is setting this up to put on me.

"you left me...twice."
"I don't want to be around your friends or your family"

Thank you Brook.

Thank you for being honest and direct in showing me this.

I am sad to hear it and to look at it BUT

I will be OK.

I really would rather hear the truth from her.

I feel I will be getting that very soon.

[dl443322]

I'm sorry, sweetie, maybe I misspoke.

So, I should have said, she is not happy in the marriage. I think her actions and words have shown that.

Same advice stands, though. You are putting pressure on her by doing and saying the things you have been.

But, my friend, you arent just sitting here. If you just look back over my last couple of posts, I have told you why.

Look, you are in control here. You do what you feel is best. I can only tell you what I have learned and what has helped me.

I want the best for you. I want you to heal and grow and be happy and have peace. I feel the best way to get that is to just live your life.

[dl443322]

True, I want to tell you something. I want to tell you how much I admire you for taking this journey. You have grown so much.

I know how hard this is. I know how much it hurts. I know that you want very much to save your marriage and to become the person you were meant to be.

We all try so hard each day to grow and learn and understand. We want so much to stay connected with our spouses and to learn what we need to and to get to where we need and want to be.

And in doing so, in trying so hard, we forget that sometimes it's best to just be still and listen to the quiet. Sometimes, it is best to not work on things for a little while and just be.

It is in the quiet that we find peace. It is in the stillness that we find love.

I wish so much that you do not feel the pain. I wish that for everyone on here. I wish that we could all fast forward to peace.

Please understand why I have posted what I have today to you. I want to be sure that in wanting so much, you do not lose what you have gained, that in trying so hard, you do not lose what you have learned.

So, my friend, find your center, your core. When you really do, you will find peace. I promise you that.

[Truegritter]

I fell asleep early last night.

All this growing is very exhausting.

I remember when my puppy was about 15 weeks old.

Being a little labrador he was very full of energy.

Eating my orchids, my couch, my shoes, playing with my ties, eating, peeing on everything...

Then one morning he just laid there.

He stayed on his bed sleeping most of the day

I knew he was ok cause he still wagged his tail and had a happy face.

He was just exhausted. From growing so fast.

I woke up early this morning and for the first time in I can't remember when I didn't feel anxious.

I feel peaceful.

I feel I know that I am in control of my life now.

I am ready to let go.

I have no anger.

I have no regret.

I am just ready to live.

[Truegritter]

Brooklyn

I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I want to thank you for investing your time here to help me.

It is time and it is also part of you.

You see people here and you see the pain.

You want it just to go away.

Hit the fast forward button for them.

I didn't read your last post until this a.m. but I know you spent time thinking about me and just the right words to say.

And they were perfect.

Thank you to you and all (Mach, Cat, Jack, Lost)who take time and invest of themselves here.

And to my friends who are walking along side me (Eric, Shellybelly, Seeking, Mila, Missherlove to name a few)

This has been so far the most painful thing I have ever gone through

and also the most rewarding.

[seeking answers]

This has been so far the most painful thing I have ever gone through

and also the most rewarding.

(((Grit))) I feel the same.

[cat04]

to her it is you not getting that she doesn't want the marriage.

If this is true then this new information.

She has told me she doesn't want divorce.

She has told me "we are deliberately not divorced."

Now I know I am not supposed to believe what she says so maybe you're right.

Her recent actions are she went back to her pre M last name on FB.

Took me off as her H on FB

Said: I am not sure I want to be married to someone who won't help out when they know I have no money.

All this has been recent so yes this is new information and if you are right she is trying to tell me now that she doesn't want this M

Then my sitting here patiently is in and of itself an act of pressure.

Subtle as it is.

I think when we talk face to face I need to be prepared to hear those words directly from her lips.

I already know she is setting this up to put on me.

True,

Yes sitting patiently is a subtle act of pressure.

YOU are not sitting patiently.

You are growing, slowly some days, quickly others, but you are doing it.

Yes, prepare yourself to hear whatever may come out of her mouth, IF the meeting happens, because you honestly have no idea what she might say.

What you have seen, posted about above, really ISN'T new information if you think about it.

She had/has(?) OM. She has been living separatly from you. Even if she wasn't, she did sort of check out of the M.

However, she is still showing you confusion. She is trying on what her life without you might look like.

These are her choices. This is her path. She is going to test the waters and attempt to induce reactions from you.

Here comes the hard part now...

You accept either outcome, you have this meeting coming up...

What does TRUE want?

What does TRUE need IF she says she wants to reconcile...

What does that look like to YOU?

Are you ready for that?

Have you learned enough?

Because IF that is what she says and what YOU choose, YOU are going to have to be the leader...the strong one...ARE YOU that person yet?

On the flip side...

IF she wants D, what does that mean for YOU?

What is TRUE's life going to look like?

Who is TRUE?

What does TRUE need in HIS life to be true to himself?

You know what?

The answers to those questions, should be very similar...

Hard stuff my friend...

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Then my sitting here patiently is in and of itself an act of pressure.

ONLY if you are doing it so that she KNOWS.

"Hey you over there! Look at me! Look at me sitting here waitng for you!! Did you see the size of that girls boobs? I sure didn''t!! Cause I only have eyes for you!!"


You do it for you...like in your post to BraveHeart then...it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

You stand so that she notices?

And you're doing it wrong, might as well have trick plastered all over it.

[Truegritter]

What does TRUE want?

I want to be with the woman who wrote the words to me I posted way back in my thread.

The one that doesn't blame me for her pain.

The one who wants to work on herself.

The one who accepts responsibility for her own choices.

Who wants to be my partner. My equal partner.

Who is committed to her marriage

Who is no longer self absorbed

Who is at peace.

ALL OF THIS ^^^^^^^^^^ means she must grow and heal.
So what I want is for her to do that.
THAT is ALL I want right now.

What does TRUE need IF she says she wants to reconcile...

No more OM.

A serious expression of remorse for that choice.

An indication that she has begun a process of growth and healing

A commitment to work on the M.

A Heath candy bar.

What does that look like to YOU?

A flying unicorn that sh!ts rainbows (nickel jack?)

Maybe a blue one...

I will know when I see it. I know when my W is herself. When she is purposeful, calm and together. That person has been gone for a while.

I don't know how I will know that she has begun meaningful growth

Are you ready for that?

Ideally I would like to have more time for me. Honestly I didn't really realize that was my answer. I shouldn't be pressing all this with her.

I am really busy with me right now (this is a fairly recent development)

I need time for the new me to be present and show up more in my life.

I need to feel comfortable in my skin. That is happening more and more every day but not nearly enough to where I am there when the lights go out.

I need time for this and I am still digging in.

Have you learned enough?

It will never be enough. I took a huge jump this weekend.

I am truly ready to let her go on her journey and live my life for me.

I know that she has to grow at her own pace and at her own bidding and THAT she has to do without me.

THAT is what I realized.

THAT is the best thing for her

THAT is the best thing for me is to support that.

We do not have anything unless that happens.

[cat04]

Now answer the hard questions.

The ones about you.

At least for yourself.