I want to be clear on something that maybe got lost in my expression up above.
What I am speaking of really is love.
This is a choice.
As we move through this journey it is a process of self discovery. The LBS starts out with a lot of hurt and pain and self doubt.
I have already written about this transition from standing out of wanting answers and pain- to doing it as a choice for you.
To get to this point you must have detached completely and also to get here some may decide to go black as you have suggested Time.
I did have to do that for a time.
The choice to love is really to put yourself at risk and we have suffered the greatest pain of that risk in the betrayal that was returned.
When I speak of the light going on and off I mean that those are the conditions. ANY conditions. ANY behaviors that we have let play out from our own fears and weaknesses. These are the things we find in OURSELVES that we want to change. That we MUST change to be who we want to be.
Who we want to be is the LIGHT I speak of. It must be constant and it must be consistent. It cannot be contingent on some suffering that cannot be endured. It cannot be contingent on some action or non-action of your spouse.
To love (as we know it) is to suffer until you see what love is. This is so much part of who I am that it cannot be separated.
Love is the absence of suffering. But that absence of suffering comes from your OWN choice not because:
your spouse decided to come back or decided to be nice to you Or wasn't mean to you Or agreed with you or stopped seeing OP or ANY F@CKING THING.
It is YOUR choice
That is the light that shines.
That is the miracle of which I speak
If you can get to THAT place then you see that your spouse is on their journey and you love them enough to be committed to their growth.
That growth means you step out of the way. You completely let go with love.
If they call you.
Why would you not answer that call?
Only if you still suffer. If you suffer then you are not there yet.
My W will continue to suffer and be in pain. I will no longer be part of that. I choose rather to be part of the solution.
For me that means love of the most extraordinary variety.
For me that means to be the man I am now becoming.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Ok, but why sending notes? Are they only responses?
I don't see anything wrong with responding or answering calls unless you have divorced and are now involved with somebody else.
Unconditional love has no attachment. It also says if your spouse divorces you and marries another that you know that is the path they have chosen and you let them go.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Hey True--just stopping by to see how you were doing. Looks like we are in the same current of waxing & wanning... Good & bad, strong & then doubtful.
No more notes or emails. If she wants to talk to you she will contact you. You know that nothing you say or write is going to come out the way you intend for it to, anyway. Not that you won't be clear--she just won't see it. So there is no point, right? If you need to put it down to work through it, then by all means. But only for that & don't ever send it.
I so honestly know what you mean about the light--and although I would LOVE for H to have felt that strongly about me, i can see another side of it.
You see the light as a miracle of love. True, True. It is.
But that light *might* be seen as something altogether different by her.
To her, in that MLC fog, that light that you want to keep lit as a beacon for her might just be far too glaring. You know how some oncoming cars have those annoying halogen headlights that blind you & make it difficult to see?
Like that. You can keep that light on, just make sure that it's not so glaring that it's blinding her, making it almost impossible to see to put one foot in front of the other and have an idea of where she is going.
Don't throw her off course by trying to light her way home, True.
In the meantime...(((big giant hugs)))
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
True, I know how much it hurt to see her change her facebook status. I know because my h did the same thing. I did not call him about it. For a lot of reasons.
If we are to truly say that we are letting them go with love to figure out their journey and for us to figure out ours, then we have to follow that up with actions or they are just words, ya know?
Remember, this is how she feels right now. I know it hurts, I do. But, you can't talk her out of it, you can't guilt her out of it or reason her out of it.
As far at the email goes, you sent it once, she got it, right? No need to bring it up again. Or resend it. You are telling her what she needs to feel and realize. Can't do that either.
Sweetie, this is hard stuff. There are days when you think you have it covered and days when you backslide. And that's ok. Just get back on the path.
So, no more emails, no more phone calls about facebook. She has to go through this in her own way. You have to let her. Let her walk it and you walk yours.
You write such beautiful words, True. But, you have to live them, my friend. You have to live them. Each and every day.
So, no more emails, no more phone calls about facebook. She has to go through this in her own way. You have to let her. Let her walk it and you walk yours.
I agree.
The email was to finish our conversation that we didn't finish because she had to get off the phone.
She was going to call me back and I didn't want to talk.
I figured I would give her my thoughts in email instead.
I don't email, text, phone, telekinisis, smoke signal, carrier pigeon, fedex,, mail, or courier by way of flying unicorns that crap rainbows.
I don't initiate anything.
The FB thing was emailed to me because it requested I confirm I was her husband so she obviously had taken it down and put it back up.
BUT
That is irrelevent. It initiated a convo that shouldn't have happened probably.
Or should have...now she wants to meet in person to discuss how she feels about our R.
I honestly don't know which way this will go.
Here is where I am.
Since Friday I have done a lot of thinking and soul searching and philosophizing...
I love my W.
I love her enough to know that she needs to make her own choices and go on her own journey.
Right now we are on different paths and as far as growth levels go we are not even in the same f@cking zip code right now.
The metaphor I tried to use was to describe that I am finally to a point that of the two (or maybe more) scenarios that can play out with this:
We reconcile or
We don't
I am ok with either because it still doesn't change the fact that I love my W. In fact it is because I love her that I have come to this realization.
This does not mean I don't want my M to reconcile, I do have that hope.
My GREATER hope is that she is able to grow and find peace. That is what I hope.
I have to accept the possibility that may be without me.
That is what I was trying to say in my post.
I will try to live this from this day forward...
Thank you all. This has been a hard lesson but an absolutely critical part of my journey.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I hate that anyone questions my decisions. I hate that I have been told my choices were wrong. That my choices are still wrong. I hate that I allow people to assume a position of authority over my decisions by their judgement and advice.
People seem to offer their advice without you asking for it. It presumes that you need correction and it presumes they have higher understanding and knowledge than you.
I feel I need to clarify this relates to friends and family NOT to my good friend on this board.
I had a little trouble communicating clearly today.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I wrote my post to you because these words concerned me:
I was upset of course and called her about it.
I was aghast at the crazy logic behind this.
I responded in a not so calm fashion
...that I will be patient and wait for her.
You should also know that my concern is out of genuine caring.
It's hard not to react to things our spouses do and say. But, they are in crisis. They are on their own journey and no amount of talking, explaining or anything else is going to hasten it.
If you really mean what you say, that you are going to love and let go, then you need to stop telling your wife you are going to be there patient and waiting because that is not what she is hearing. She is thinking, he is not hearing me. He is not getting it. Why can't he just get it?
So, my friend, if you have this conversation with her, keep your feelings and reactions in check. Listen to her, validate what she is saying. That's it. Anything else and she is hearing, blah, blah, blah.
I know I am not usually this blunt. I try really hard to be positive. But I am not above a soft tap when I need to give it. Especially when it is to someone who has come so far and I don't want to see lose any ground.
I know I am not usually this blunt. I try really hard to be positive. But I am not above a soft tap when I need to give it. Especially when it is to someone who has come so far and I don't want to see lose any ground.
Thank you.
I needed to hear that clarification because this is new to me.
This isn't about going, dark dim etc. Or pursuing messages.
I don't need protection or boundaries of no contact.
My communcations with her are her expressing things to me and my reactions to them.
He FB status change was a communication and an expression to me. Absolutely.
Originally Posted By: brooklyn
If you really mean what you say, that you are going to love and let go, then you need to stop telling your wife you are going to be there patient and waiting because that is not what she is hearing. She is thinking, he is not hearing me. He is not getting it. Why can't he just get it?
The waiting patient thing was communicated to her in early march and for the most part I have lived by that.
I am in a different place today. What is she trying to tell me I am not getting?
All the not communicating with her etc. she reads as me not wanting to help her or that I don't care?
You tell me and we will both know. NO WAY of knowing until she says it.
She says she wants to talk face to face.
I am ok with that.
And I am prepared for whatever comes out of her mouth.
I have to move this higher ground for ME.
Brook hit me f@cking hard my friend! I know where your heart is.
If you are saying it I need to hear it.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Honey, I know all the stuff below is heartfelt, but, to her it is you not getting that she doesn't want the marriage. Doesnt mean she really doesn't, doesn't mean she wont in the future, but right now, all the things she is saying and doing is her trying to tell you that. That doesnt mean she wont contradict herself because she is, after all, MLC. This stuff just pisses them off. She knows how you feel. Trust me, she knows. She doesnt think she has to heal. You telling her, will also piss her off. You've said it,written it, she heard it, now stop.
"I wanted to remind you of the email below that I sent over a month ago. I meant every word I wrote."
"The only thing I have to give of my own free will, without you asking, is my love."
"Although I get upset, it is more due to the fact that I am not part of your equation right now. MY hope is to be part of the solution, not the problem. I am sorry for my part in the breakdown of us, and I hope that you continue to grow and heal as a person, and that one day, we can come together again."
My friend, I know that you will get where you need to be. I know it. You are getting there. But, this is a process that takes time. You can't wish it, you can't rush it.
So, I am not telling you to go dark. That is your choice. I know you think that you are not pursuing, not pressuring. But, it subtle ways, you are. I dont want to see you have any setbacks.
