W said I had an attitude which I did not. She does that often I don't necessarily know how to respond to it.
W then questioned "whats you problem?" and I said I have none, she ask that often as well.
She's pushing your buttons and you are falling for it. She resents the hell out of you. That, to me, is a byproduct of you past controlling behavior. Like someone had mentioned before, you had a parent-child relationship. Eventually, children rebel. She's doing it now. I've been in your exact position. I was pretty controlling at times. I got the same type of comments, snide remarks, and dirty looks. The comment about the hair straightening was texbook interaction. My suggestion would be not to take it all so personally. Be positive, be very cognitive of any critical statements you make. I still think that you should stand up for yourself, in a non-confrontational way, that you expect she communicate with you respectfully.
The only thing I control now is my anger. I need to learn to control my emotions. Just a short while ago I guess we had a descent exchange.
W laying on couch talking about how bad her stomach hurts and speaking to the dog as if it is going to do anything for her. few mins later same thing, she rolls over and says "ohhhhh my stomach." Usually when her stomach is upset she does an array of things so I asked if she tried any of those remedies so got a little attitude and said "emm ummm" so I said "that is not necessary, I am just concerned for your well being" W said nothing after a pause she then asked if I could grab a blanket. I did, I laid it over her and she thanked me after.
This is were I have trouble finding that gray area...if W ask for something and I do it, is that pursuit?
Last edited by OfficerInNeed; 06/07/1012:55 AM.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
W said I had an attitude which I did not. She does that often I don't necessarily know how to respond to it.
W then questioned "whats you problem?" and I said I have none, she ask that often as well.
She's pushing your buttons and you are falling for it. She resents the hell out of you. That, to me, is a byproduct of you past controlling behavior. Like someone had mentioned before, you had a parent-child relationship. Eventually, children rebel. She's doing it now. I've been in your exact position. I was pretty controlling at times. I got the same type of comments, snide remarks, and dirty looks. The comment about the hair straightening was texbook interaction. My suggestion would be not to take it all so personally. Be positive, be very cognitive of any critical statements you make. I still think that you should stand up for yourself, in a non-confrontational way, that you expect she communicate with you respectfully.
The only thing I control now is my anger. I need to learn to control my emotions. Just a short while ago I guess we had a descent exchange.
W laying on couch talking about how bad her stomach hurts and speaking to the dog as if it is going to do anything for her. few mins later same thing, she rolls over and says "ohhhhh my stomach." Usually when her stomach is upset she does an array of things so I asked if she tried any of those remedies so got a little attitude and said "emm ummm" so I said "that is not necessary, I am just concerned for your well being" W said nothing after a pause she then asked if I could grab a blanket. I did, I laid it over her and she thanked me after.
This is were I have trouble finding that gray area...if W ask for something and I do it, is that pursuit?
I understand, bro. I've had to deal with that same resentment as you are now. Its tough. You were previously controlling because you are/were insecure. Now, by being a WAS, she has kicked that insecurity into overdrive. Thats why your putting every word/gesture/action under a microscope. Please stop. I know how hard it is. Its only going to make it harder for you to DB. You're still being reactive instead of responsive. After 10 years she knows everything about you. Including how to push your buttons and hurt you. You cant change her but you can change youor triggers and you can create boundaries. You are just empowering her poor behavior.
Like Puppy said, you really need to focus of what works. No one here doubts your efforts, you are definately fighting for you marriage. Try to maximize your efforts by doing what works. My .02
I think you need to refrain from helping her at all and simply validate her when she CHOOSES to communicate you with words and not noises.
Like when she was on the sofa moaning about her stomach and she told you she had a stomach ache... all you should have said was "sorry to hear that" or "sounds painful" or something like that. Instead you wanted to fix things by making sure she took medicine. Again, she is a grown up and if she does not feel well she knows to take meds or see a dr. Her moaning was then rewarded by you running another errand for her (getting her phone and getting her a blanket).
I think you need to try a variety of approaches but stay firm with the notion of NO MORE SOUNDS OR TALKING TO YOU THROUGH THE DOG and if she does that you will not respond or do things for her. You will not be ugly or snide about it but you simply will not engage with her unless she decides to speak to you directly and with words. IMO unless this changes you will go bonkers as it is so terribly unhealthy to live in an environment like that.
When is the last time your W had a physical and blood work? She doesn't sound well at all. She is in bed or resting way too much and it seems like there is always something wrong with her. Either she is not healthy or her anger/resentment/depression is manifesting in a physical way I think. I take it neither you or your W are not elderly so I am very confused as to why she is ALWAYS laying down.
I think you need to at least try and set an example that laying around and watching tv all the time is not a good quality of life no matter what the status of your marriage is. If the show ya'll wanted to watch was not on why not cheerfully say "I think I will take a walk or bike ride, care to join me?" If she says no then fine, let her lay around and moan but at least you will be out aiming for something more than watching her behave this way.
From what you have posted it seems like you like to go out and do things... you mentioned movies, baseball games, concerts and so on. If your W doesn't want to go don't cajole her into going. Ask once and if she declines just go on your merry way. You need more enjoyment in your life and you won't find it watching your W lay around the house all the time.
She doesn't like her job (stressful as you said), no longer enjoys going to work because of the OM situation and clearly cannot tolerate being at home. If you don't remove yourself in some way, even if just for a little while, something is going to blow.
Have you ever considered seeing an IC? I think you are aware tools exist for this type of situation and I think you want to use them but it sort of seems you just don't know how to (yet).
Honestly just reading about the way your W communicates with noise and through the dog is stressful to me. I can't imagine having to live with it.
I think you need to refrain from helping her at all and simply validate her when she CHOOSES to communicate you with words and not noises.
Like when she was on the sofa moaning about her stomach and she told you she had a stomach ache... all you should have said was "sorry to hear that" or "sounds painful" or something like that. Instead you wanted to fix things by making sure she took medicine. Again, she is a grown up and if she does not feel well she knows to take meds or see a dr. Her moaning was then rewarded by you running another errand for her (getting her phone and getting her a blanket).
I think you need to try a variety of approaches but stay firm with the notion of NO MORE SOUNDS OR TALKING TO YOU THROUGH THE DOG and if she does that you will not respond or do things for her. You will not be ugly or snide about it but you simply will not engage with her unless she decides to speak to you directly and with words. IMO unless this changes you will go bonkers as it is so terribly unhealthy to live in an environment like that.
When is the last time your W had a physical and blood work? She doesn't sound well at all. She is in bed or resting way too much and it seems like there is always something wrong with her. Either she is not healthy or her anger/resentment/depression is manifesting in a physical way I think. I take it neither you or your W are not elderly so I am very confused as to why she is ALWAYS laying down.
I think you need to at least try and set an example that laying around and watching tv all the time is not a good quality of life no matter what the status of your marriage is. If the show ya'll wanted to watch was not on why not cheerfully say "I think I will take a walk or bike ride, care to join me?" If she says no then fine, let her lay around and moan but at least you will be out aiming for something more than watching her behave this way.
From what you have posted it seems like you like to go out and do things... you mentioned movies, baseball games, concerts and so on. If your W doesn't want to go don't cajole her into going. Ask once and if she declines just go on your merry way. You need more enjoyment in your life and you won't find it watching your W lay around the house all the time.
She doesn't like her job (stressful as you said), no longer enjoys going to work because of the OM situation and clearly cannot tolerate being at home. If you don't remove yourself in some way, even if just for a little while, something is going to blow.
Have you ever considered seeing an IC? I think you are aware tools exist for this type of situation and I think you want to use them but it sort of seems you just don't know how to (yet).
Honestly just reading about the way your W communicates with noise and through the dog is stressful to me. I can't imagine having to live with it.
I do the things she asks because in the past I would not. This is a 180 for me. Also if I do not care for my W when she is ill then she will find someone who will.
Yes, W does have health issues. Allergies, herniated disc in her back. pinched nerve in the neck, knee problems and a host of other little things. She is depressed (refuses to see therapist). She works from 4am-12pm, she cannot handle the schedule.
I on the other hand, I am very active. I job requires for it. I work out 3-4 times per week. I play semi-professional football.
Actually we go out and do things, often. Not as often as we use to. (BTW when I said ball game I meant football, I hate baseball)
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
Sorry, I assumed baseball as it is summer and I didn't know football was around this time of year!
I understand you are trying to do a 180 by being more helpful to your W but IMO it seems you are rewarding very bad behavior. And honestly, the way your W carries on I doubt she will find anybody that would tolerate it for any length of time.
I am sorry to hear of your W's health problems. It is not easy living with chronic physical pain and even in a perfect marriage, enduring constant physical pain is tough. Her behavior makes a little more (but not much) sense now. Many of her problems though that really put a very dark cloud over your household have solutions yet she refuses to investigate alternative options. Not much you can do about that other than steer clear of getting sucked in to it any further than you already are.
I know you go out and do things often but as I understand it, it seems to take a good bit of prodding and pleading on your part to get her out of the house.
I guess what I am saying is ANYBODY can find "somebody" else and just because that is an available option to your W (or anybody for that matter) it doesn't mean you have to put up with her garbage so doesn't find somebody else.
Now here is something that just occurred. As I said earlier W was looking for what time show came on. We seen it was 11pm. W fell to sleep on the couch in living room. At 11pm, I got up, turned the TV off and left W sleeping on couch as I went upstairs and watch the show. W knew I went upstairs as she woke up as I started to head up the stairs. I assumed if she wanted to watch the show with me she would have got up and came upstairs OR was it wrong of me to just get up and walk away and not inviting her to watch the show...? This is where my confusing lies
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
This morning W woke up before I did and went downstairs, to eat and then I guess she settled on the couch to watch TV ( I heard it). I eventually woke up and headed down myself, when I got down there W was watching TV, I sat on other couch and W began to talk to me about the funny things the dog had done since she had been up. I went back upstairs shortly after and W remained downstairs.
A short while later I got dressed and went back downstairs W asked me where was I going. I said "nowhere at the moment but I had planned to go..." and I told W my plan which did include invite to her.
Shortly after W went to take a bath which I assumed was so she can get ready to go. W came into the bedroom covered up and turned her back to me and began to rest. I asked "Do you plan on going?" W said "Maybe in a little bit, but you can go do whatever you wanted to get done" I decided that there were a couple things I could do while she stayed at home and rest.
As I was getting ready to leave we had an exchange. W has habit of leaving dirty dishes laying around (since sitch began she started doing this) and normally I would be Mr. Nice guy and just take it to the sink with no issue. This time I let it sit there and allow her to do it herself. One day later the dishes are still sitting there so I said "The plate and bowl need to go down stairs" with alight attitude W said "What?" I repeated myself and she said "obviously" and in a nice calm down I said "No need for an attitude I was only saying, they have been there for two days" W then replied "1 day" instead of going back and forth I said nothing in return and left the dishes where they were. Then I left. We'll see how long or if she even does take them down.
BTW PDT if you are reading this, I made a few comments directed toward you a page back...
Last edited by OfficerInNeed; 06/07/1005:16 PM.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
"No need for an attitude I was only saying, they have been there for two days" W then replied "1 day" instead of going back and forth I said nothing in return and left the dishes where they were. Then I left. We'll see how long or if she even does take them down.
Reminds me of that segment on Everyone Loves Raymond with Debra & Ray seeing who would hold out the longest in putting the suitcase in the closet.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
While I was putting the shelves up W came home from work, she fooled with the dog for a little bit then went upstairs where she remained as I finished putting the new shelves up. A little while later I went upstairs we had a little conversation, I went back down stairs, W eventually came down herself. . . .
Try to let her come to YOU. See what happens.
Puppy
I do. When she is watching TV downstairs I go upstairs, 8 out of 10 times she would shortly follow BUT it doe snot happen the other way. If I am downstairs and she is up she won't come down.
I did not go up to pursue her but rather to retrieve something from the bedroom.
Quote:
How odd.
What do you find odd or are you being sarcastic?
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
