Going straight forward...antlers 6th thread.

[antlers]

Bridge and Gardener...thank you.

'Living well is the best revenge' is kind of like 'when you're in touch with your core value, you cannot do wrong'. There is no downside to it. Only good things can come from it.

She said back in February that "It's not that I didn't trust your changes but by the time you decided to change you had already pushed me over the edge. And I did care about you or I wouldn't have put myself through hell for over 15 years trying to make things work."

I wish I hadn't been the way I was. But I know in my heart that I have done everything that I could have done, after the fact, to make things better, including changing. I've become what she'd wanted me to be all along. I did it because it needed to be done, and for no other reason. It sucks that she wouldn't give me a chance.

[antlers]

Still spending some good time with my son...he stays with me a lot these days. I miss my daughters. The trial is set for the last week in July. Not looking forward to that. I wish the lawyers could work something out before that.
I've been doing some 80 mile bicycle rides over the last 3 weeks...I've done 6 of them during that time. It's tough, not only physically but mentally...especially now that it's getting much hotter here. It feels really good to know that I can push myself to those extremes...and even more if I choose to. Sometimes makes the tough things in life seem like no big deal.

[antlers]

"Forgiving does not mean forgetting. When we can get to the point that we can wish them peace, we've reached a point of forgiveness. We have set them free, and in doing so, set ourselves free. They no longer have that power over us." - Drew

I saw this wisdom earlier today and wanted to have it on my thread.

It's still hard for me to get my brain around how someone who you know loved you very much, can come to hate you so much. It's equally hard for me to understand how she can try to take my kids away from me. I've got to stand in front of the Judge tomorrow and be arraigned on contempt charges that her attorney filed recently. They are legal tactics intended to make me look bad to the court. I'm in the midst, and have been, of some really awful stuff...and my kids are suffering for it...and she doesn't seem to care.

I am so ready for this..."We have set them free, and in doing so, set ourselves free. They no longer have that power over us."

I feel like I'm in an awful fight for my life, and for my kids lives...and things are not in my favor. It doesn't seem to be enough for her to hurt me like she has...she also wants to use the kids to hurt me further, and take them away from me...and she wants to crush me financially.

Anyway, my son is still with me...his choice. He and I are spending some good time together. I pray that God will allow me to make up for the mistakes that I made with my son in the past.

[cat03]

Hey Antlers, I will keep you in my prayers tonight and tomorrow hoping for a decent judgement... I pray for a ending of her madness and for things to go the best way possible for you and the children.

[Gypsy]

Hey Ant..

*hugs*

Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa

Continual self flagellation and/or laying blame keeps the past firmly anchored. Aspirations inspire forward movement. It's all a choice in what to keep, what to release.

You messed up. So did she. You changed. So did she. It broke. It wasn't fixed. It ended.

Continually wondering why, where, how, what if is like unendingly flushing a nasty clogged toilet with plunger in hand. The choice.. let the filth overflow or just plunge the literal crap out of it until that gurgle of total disposal is heard.

As far as the divorce goes, just get it over with. Some folks say to threaten the worst possible outcome forcing the other party to settle out of fear. Others suggest offering a good settlement and getting the hell out of Dodge. The one thing I do know is that folks with pissed off egos piss away a lifetime's worth of savings.. and then some.

No one wants to go to trial. And I don't know all the crap she's throwing at you, though I do remember her going after your guns and things she never cared about. Stuff is stuff. The longer this goes on the longer it screws everyone up.

*hugs*

Along with texting your love to the kids.. consider sending funny lines, or a picture of some place neat that reminded you of them. Light, fun.. like a poke, jab, wink, smile of being with them.. only with websites, jokes and photos. It's the thought that counts in those actions.. but make it short! And laughter eases tension, relaxes the soul.

You're a good man.

*hugs*

[ImprovedRomeo]

Antlers, hang in there man, I feel for you. I can relate to your situation somewhat as my STBXW is doing things I never thought she would. She's even threatened me about full custody of our DD and then saying "...but I think you're a good dad" WTF? I know I'm a great dad and was a good H too you narcisstic bi-polar crazy woman!

I agree with Gypsy that if you have the option of ending it sooner the better it'll be for your own well being. You sound like a good man. No one's perfect but what matters is that we own up and work on improving/fixing ourselves, it proves that we care enough to want to change.

[Gypsy]

Hey Ant..

And one more thing..

With the settlement look at what really is important, what your priorities are, what is most valuable, intangible in your life. Fight for those. Perhaps it's more time with your kids to diminish the amount of estrangement. The longer it goes on (I'm guessing) the harder it is to re-establish a closer relationship. It's great that you're having lots of quality time with your son. However, girls learn how to love, what to expect in a man by how he treats them. Only you can determine how much time you want, fight for.

Kids need both parents.

*hugs*

[antlers]

Thank You cat03.

I appreciate your thoughtfulness. Her counsel charged me with contempt of court, I plead not guilty, I had to put up a PR bond, and there's gonna be a trial for this too...probably will coincide with the trial for custody and property/assets in late July. I too wish her madness would end, and for things to go the best way for my kids and myself. Your post meant a lot to me...thanks.

Hello Gypsy.

Thank You for your support. I know what you say is right, and I continue to work on it. I believe I'm much stronger about it than I was in the past. It just still pisses me off that I was the way I was. In a way, I was like Jesse James in that I had something really good, and I took it for granted and pissed it away. I know I have to let go of it. The opposition doesn't want to settle...they want a trial! So I'm gonna gird up and fight like hell. It has nada to do with my ego...I've already lost her, my future with her, my hopes and dreams with her, my family as I knew it, and my kids have suffered tremendously. Now she wants to make me destitute financially, and take my kids away from me! F#@K that! I'm fighting. I don't want to go to trial, they do, so I gotta go too. It gets nastier and nastier daily, and it does screw everyone up. I have no choice. Thank you for the suggestion of lightening things up via texting with my estranged daughters. I'll do that. I get no response from either of them just letting them know that I love and care about them. Your posts are wise and heartfelt...thank you.

StupidRomeo, that name is a trip!

I've seen and heard things from her that I never thought I would. I would have believed the world would end before I would see and hear the things from her that I have. I don't have the option of ending it sooner...they want a trial! They're getting it. The investigative attorney that she got involved in this case told me that a trial would be the worse thing for all involved, me, the kids, her...everybody. But she doesn't care. I'm a better man now than I've ever been, and I've done exactly as you describe at the end of your post. Thank you for posting to me, I needed the support.

Gypsy...what's important? The well-being of my kids and myself. I believe that kids need both parents too. I feel like I'm in a fight for my life, and the lives of my kids. It will be harder for me to care for them like I want to if I'm left financially destitute like their mother wants. I'm doing good with, and for, my son. I want to do the same with, and for, my daughters.

To the community here on this board..."When it seems that our sorrow is too great to be borne, let us think of the great family of the heavy-hearted into which our grief has given us entrance, and inevitably, we will feel about us their arms, their sympathy, their understanding."
Helen Keller

I saw that quote earlier today on this board, and it hit home...thanks.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Antlers, great to see the renewed energy and attitude. Sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire. You've done everything you possibly could to do this amicably but if that's not enough for her then you'll stand up for yourself.

When is the hearing? Why the contempt of court?

[antlers]

There is no hearing. There's gonna be a separate trial for the contempt charge. My lawyer is gonna try to consolidate it with the trial concerning custody and property.
Her lawyer filed contempt charges against me for failure to pay child support, about a week after the final resolution conference.
I didn't understand the initial order. I'd never been to court in my life. The initial hearing was last October. Nobody ever said "you need to start paying." My attorney should have, and I would have. I got something in the mail last Feb. telling me that I was supposed to start paying the previous November! I e-mailed my attorney about it and she never got in touch with me about it. Then, in preparation for the final resolution conference, some papers asked about child support arrearage, and my attorney's staff wrote "not applicable"...so I still believed that there was not a problem.
After the final resolution conference, my attorney told me that I needed to start paying it, so I did...right away. I made the first check out to my kids (I wanted them to know that I was helping them even when they were with their mother). Then I wrote another check about a week later (made out to the kids mother), and later on that day I was notified by my attorney that the opposing counsel had filed the charge...and he mentioned that I made the first check out to the kids. I guess it pissed them off. I made 3 monthly payments in a 3 week period, and have since made a 4th...all before the arraignment on last Monday. I'll definately be more than caught up by the time of the trial in late July.
I explained to the kids mother that I didn't understand the order, and after it was made clear to me, I started paying right away...and that I had made 3 monthly payments in less than 3 weeks...it didn't matter at all.
It's a tactic to make me look bad to the Court, plain and simple.

Hard to get my brain around the hatred that she has for me.