Confused and looking for advice

[hockeymom12]

So another confusing night in my household and I really do not even know how to describe it but I will try. I had to meet H at the mall so he could take our s10 home while I went to an appt with our d15, this could have been a simple exchange of meeting him outside and really having no contact at all, however he decided to come into the mall and meet us on our way out. So I acted normal and like nothing was wrong and then just left with our d15 when we got to our vehicles, he seemed fine during this time.

Once I returned home he was still there, so I went into the house and changed into my walking clothes, I grabbed my ipod and water and started to head out, during this time we had a quick conversation about our d15's ball schedule. I could tell something was bothering him, as I was leaving to go for my walk he left at the same time, I said to him are you okay today and he said he was just tired so I told him to have a good night and I put my music on and started to walk. He then pulled up beside me and this is when it started, at first he started yelling at me for something my dad had done, this upset me because my parent's have been very supportive and all that I have as support during this time and he did not need to attack my dad like that, during this I stayed somewhat calm and refused to start yelling and prove to him that I am not changing. So after he had his say I put my headphones and and started to walk again, however as he drove away I was so frustrated that I raised my arms in frustration and this caused him to stop his truck and yell at me are you F****** kidding me, I walked up to him and said in a somewhat calm voice that he was not aware of all the facts in regards to my Dad and that he needed to stop being so sensitive, during this exchange he got teary eyed. I then asked him if he liked taking out his stress on me, I had not done anything to provoke him tonight, I had left him alone, no questions and was trying to be nice to him even though I did not want any contact with him. He then went into another complaint because I had spent money on the kids for clothes and this upset him off because he has no spending money, cannot put gas in his vehicle or eat, at this point I said can I say something to you and he responded, yes I know I left so it is all my fault, to which I replied, no what I was going to say is that the kids still need items and I will not apologize for buying those, however what he needs to realize is that we could not afford to drive 2 vehicles every where we go when we were together, this is why we carpooled, so what does he think would be different now that he has left. During this exchange he was crying. This seemed to hit him as if he had never thought of it that way. After this he calmed down and I touched his face and said have a good night, he smiled and said you too. I put my music on again and started walking away.

I think the fact that he sees that I am okay without him might be getting to him, not that he is regretting his decision or anything but that he does not understand what is going on.

[hockeymom12]

Is it weird to feel like maybe I am better off without him or is this just another stage?

[gr8 day 2B alive]

had spent money on the kids for clothes and this upset him off because he has no spending money, cannot put gas in his vehicle or eat, at this point I said

This is where he needs to step up and do something for himself.
IMO, say to him: You have a choice to continue down this road you're on or step up and do something to change the situation.
It really comes down to that. Ask questions such as, would you like to provide more for your kids?? Him-yes. What are you doing to achieve this?
If you feel comfortable saying this put it out there in a loving concerned fashion.

Is it weird to feel like maybe I am better off without him or is this just another stage?

You will feel this quite often. It's part of detaching.
Your happiness is self fulfilling.

I remember saying to my W during one of our chats:

"You don't need me and I don't need you."

Keep up the good work!

f your H is tearing up during convos that's a good sign.
It shows he does feel that he's losing you.

[hockeymom12]

Thanks Gr8, I truly appreciate you posting on my situation.

So yesterday I had my first session with a DB counsellor, it was awesome, she just reinforced what I was already starting to do and gave me some pointers on how to not be dragged into a fight with H when he tries to provoke me. I had limited contact with H yesterday but it is funny, we communicate through emails and then he call me to reiterate what he has told me in the email, not sure why he does this but maybe just his way of still connecting. He wanted a real estate agent to come out to the house on Saturday and I told him that I was not sure I could get the house in tip top shape by then and his response was, well get the kids to help you, you have all night tonight, to which I replied no I actually don't I am going out tonight, he did not say anything after that! So I went out with friends last night and had a great time.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

I replied no I actually don't I am going out tonight, he did not say anything after that! So I went out with friends last night and had a great time

YES, YES, YES! Good stuff!

Go with the flow and don't let things about the house and realtor bother you.

You're doing well.

[hockeymom12]

So tonight is not an easy night, I had some contact with H, he was in a really bad mood and trying to instigate fights again, not as bad as the other night but just little comments. I did not react, answered positively and then left the room. I still do not know why he is showing up when I am at the house as I have asked him not to but I refuse to comment on it. I then went to work and he left with the kids. So I am now back from work and H has s10 for the night and d15 is at a friends. So I am a bit lonely and stuck cleaning the house for the realtor that is coming tomorrow as H did very little before he left for the night. So just thought I would come on here, voice how I am feeling and then get on with my night!

[hockeymom12]

Ss last nights anxiety ran into today. I was doing so good and then the sight of H today set me into a panic. I miss him and love him so much. The good part is that I did not show my panic, I stayed upbeat, happy and we generally had good conversations while he was at the house. He then sent me a text in the afternoon questioning the charge on our CC for DB sessions. This upset me since his biggest frustration right now is money, I was hoping he wouldn't see it since he does not get the bills but I guess he is checking them online now. I just told him it was something I needed and would pay it off with my money not our joint money, he left it but I was in a panic about how angry he was so I called him!!! I know the wrong thing but I did not bring this up at all, all I asked him was when he was going to be at the house the next day, he asked why and if I needed something which gave me an excuse for why I phoned him so he did not think I was worried about his text I told him that yes I needed a few groceries and since he is in the city (and I am not) it would great if he could pick them up and he said yes. That was the end of our contact for today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

[hockeymom12]

So today was a better day. H showed up 20 minutes earlier than he said he was going to, not trying to read into this but by doing this we saw each other. He brought the groceries so I thanked him nicely and we had very good 20 minutes together, just talking about nothing. When it was time for me to leave I said goodbye to him on the go and told him to have a nice time at his parent's as well I told him I would see him the next day at our daughter's sporting event. I took the time to say goodbye to the kids and left. H then called me at work as someone wanted to come see the house ASAP and he was not there, so I ran home quickly cleaned and went back to work. When H and the kids got back from his parent's they were locked out of the house (my fault) I thought he would be livid but he wasn't at all. He then called me at work again later on and said hi this is your husband (he has not said this since he left, he always uses his name), I did not react as I am not sure it means anything I just said hi, he then passed the phone to my son who was not happy to be with his father and wanted me to deal with their conflict. I did not get in the middle just told my son to go to bed if he wanted to be left alone.

[hockeymom12]

So after a few positive things happen I am back down into believing it is totally over. I walk into work and have an email from him asking who our RRSP's are through and he would only need to do this if he is starting legal action. I know he told me he was going to do this but then we talked and he said he would wait and we would work it out together, however he has not brought it up again and I will not as this is his issue to push. So is he going behind my back once again. I answered his question but asked him why he needed to know and all he said was I just wanted to know. So I guess I am in for some more bad news. I think I am better off just giving up. I try so hard to be nice to him and it does not matter to him. I do not know how long I can do this.

[hockeymom12]

Here I am again documenting my day and the things that have happened, now I realize it may seem like I am using this site as more of a journal but that is not the case, I am documenting the things that happen so I can go back and see the positives and negatives but I am also hoping for feedback from the Vets because I am not sure if I am just wanting to see improvement so much that I am imagining it. Anyways here was my day. After the above post H and I had some other email contact in regards to the house and kids, no phone contact at all. Our D15 had a ringette game so we were going to see each other there but no matter what I was not going to approach him, so I made sure I was sitting in the stands with the other parents before he even got there. I saw him come in and stand across the arena from us and I figured that was where he was going to stay. However much to my suprise he came over to where we were sitting and actually sat beside me! I was shocked, we had been at our son's hockey games in the last few weeks and he would not even stand anywhere near me. I did not react to him sitting beside me, I just said hi and we had some nice conversation about our house, he told me about this fight with our S10 the previous night, as well we talked about his work. When the game ended he left first and when I walked into the lobby I sat away from him, within a couple of minutes he was standing across from me and a mutual friend stood beside him, the 3 of us talked a bit, and I was also talking to a mother beside me, but one time when I looked over at him I caught him watching me, he quickly looked away. So while I do not want to read into this too much, it could just be that we will have a good "divorced" relationship I am hopeful that in time he will remember the good parts of our marriage.