I am having some struggles some days and this weekend is no better unfortunately. I am still detached as much as I can be, still doing my own thing, still not putting any pressure on. But I see so, so much of my old H these days and he is doing so well with the kids, around so much, etc. that it is hard not to feel the pain of rejection all over again, something I had worked a lot through.
He still isn't making a whole lot of steps towards me it seems. He does seem pretty relaxed around me for the most part now, which is an improvement. I don't seem to have cooties anymore (i.e. he doesn't pull back if we accidentally brush by or something). We have had some conversations lately that lasted more than a couple of minutes and were about something other than a TV show or the kids.
I try to focus on each day and me and the kids still but I admit it is very hard. I have a lot to be thankful for, though.
You have done so well through all of this and you have grown so much.
That being said, I don’t need the answers to the questions I am about to as you although I am curious to hear them…
The answers are for you.
What if H is waking up…
What do you want to happen?
What if this is where he is stuck, being kind to you but nothing else, forever…
What do you want to do then?
What if H is NOT really waking up, and takes another dive back into the tunnel..
What will you do?
What if H is waking up but does not choose to return to the M…
What are YOU going to do TF?
What if the sky is blue and the grass is green but tomorrow you awake and everything is purple…
What are you gonna do?
I know these questions seem a little hard to know the answers to, but you are at a point where you have to know the answers to all of these.
To either continue this path or begin to make some changes. I know it is hard and painful to look at some if not all of these things, but if you don’t, you are going to remain right where you are, which for now is ok, but not somewhere you can stay for very long.
Take a step my friend, it’s time…
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I'm not sure it is time to make a step yet. I get the questions and have thought about them. I have prayed and prayed. The only answer I get right now is a "wait." I have had too many little "miracles" happen to give up yet, things that I do not believe are coincidental.
I believe he is waking up. I have seen him act in ways he hasn't for a couple of years now. I believe he is starting to see the damage he has done.
For now, I think I need to sit tight, hard as it is.
I guess that is my step for now, that being still.
It is odd because I seem to be being hit with so many, many really good memories of our marriage lately. I have no idea why that is but it makes me miss my H even more.
It is odd because I seem to be being hit with so many, many really good memories of our marriage lately. I have no idea why that is but it makes me miss my H even more.
TF, It is funny how different things will spark those memories. I am curious, when he does open up, has he admitted to remembering any of those shared good memories?
That was one of my baby steps that my W made a couple of months ago.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
MHL - My H hasn't said anything about past memories being good at all. His opening up through the MLC has just been about how awful life is, etc. I don't know. I have no idea what is going on in his head these days - he doesn't share much about it. Then again, he never was a man of many words.
Hope you are having a nice weekend