I know you are extremely upset. You need to gain your composure. You know now the mind set of your H.
Quote:
, from our conversation on Saturday I realized certain things will never happen for me if I do not start in this direction
He is saying he needs to do this for him.
I think you need to agree with H. Tell him you think it is a great idea to have time apart from each other so you could both work on yourselves.
Hang in there and keep posting
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
The one key helpful tip I received on here which really resonated with me came from Bridgestone who suggested I look at the work of Dr. Steven Stosny.
Hi HM, I want to echo the words above because Stonsy is fantastic. He wrote a book with Dr. Pat Love (yes, that is her real name) called, How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. It has some significant insights into what make both men and women tick which might be helpful in your situation.
Another thought that came to mind as I was reading through your sitch is that it important to take your mind off the "why" of your situation to the "action" challenge. Meaning, why your husband is behaving as though an alien has landed in his body is less relevant than what you can do do save the marriage. Hopefully, you will get insight on the "why" on down the road, but this might take years. Spinning your wheels on that matter right now takes away valuable time and energy from your true desire: getting him back.
If you haven't already picked up Michele's book, Divorce Remedy, I highly recommend that you do. Furthermore, skip right to page 124, the Last Resort Technique. (it is in chapter 6). This section will give you numerous HELPFUL actions that you can be taking, right now, to give your marriage a chance.
My heart goes out to you and I would love to hear more!
So is it to late for signing up for Divorce busters, should I just let him go.
If you ahve the means to call a coach would suggest doing so.
Until you can honestly let him go you will not be able to handle this process. You we hear this again and again: validate his feelings. Agree to the separation. Give him what he wants right now as long as it does cross our boundaries. Be pleasent around him and when you talk. Act as If this is the best thing for you two.
I know this is easier said then done.
Breathe and mentally prepare yourself for the interaction with H.
Last edited by gr8 day 2B alive; 05/21/1005:26 PM.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
So is it to late for signing up for Divorce busters, should I just let him go.
Here's what took me a while to 'get':
If you love him unconditionally you have to let him go.
That doesn't mean it's too late to 'divorce bust' ... it just means that this is what HE needs and any attempt to control or manipulate the situation is just that, control and manipulation. By not agreeing you are also not validating his feeling that he needs to do this for himself.
Girlfriend, it is time to turn it inwards and GAL! You can not control him or his decisions or his feelings. You can, however, control you and your life and your choices. Divorce Busting is about personal growth and reflection, becoming the best person you can, for YOURSELF! It may, or may not, save your marriage ... but right now you need to save yourself.
I've discovered that my H is on a journey and I can't speed it up or help him out - but I can slow it down! I need to take care of ME ... and so do you! You need for you to be strong and so do your children! Read through my sitch if you haven't already, and I think you'll see the progression ... pay particular attention to the advice I'm getting from the vets ... like everyone says, it's counter-intuitive but it works!
This is hard! No one said it would be easy, but it sounds to me like you have some reading to do, you've got a ways to go yet before you 'get it', and the fastest way there is through reading and introspection. You are in the right place ... keep reading ...
Breathe .... (((hm12)))
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
SEE YOUR LAWYER BEFORE YOU AGREE TO ANYTHING, Hockeymom. I don't trust your husband (the note is all about him, and what HE needs), and the "back-dating the date of separation" thing sends of a huge red flag to me.
I'm very sorry, I know this is like a blow to your gut. But this thing is FAR from over (unless YOU want it to be). Still lots of cards to play.
I echo Puppy. You are in the first stage which is SHOCK. During this phase you do not make any important decisions without getting 3rd party help. Find a good attorney and start protecting yourself. These threats are empty. Your WAH has no clue what he is getting into. His attorney on the other hand does this for a living and deals w this everyday. They make money dragging this process out.
If you don't agree to anything then it will take at least 2 years depending on where you live. The first thing a judge will do is have you both figure out a custody/co-parenting agreement. The court is really only concerned about the kids for the first part.
So talk to an attorney you like and trust. Dont move out. DOnt believe anything your WAH says and only half of what he does.
Just tell him that you are sorry this is happening and that he feels that way, BUT you dont believe in tearing apart your family and will do what you have to do to protect it. Then tell him to do what he NEEDS to do.
Use this time to figure out what you need to work on. If you feel you have an anger problem then get help. Use this time to work on you.
As mentioned above, no matter what you can't stop your H from doing what he wants but you can protect yourself and not rollover.
This is a long process and it can go as fast or as slow as you want.
And I absolutely agree ... if he's got a lawyer then you NEED one too! Protect yourself and your children ... let him go emotionally, but do not agree to anything without counsel ...
(((hugs)))
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
