The tough one is that I struggled making a living and was "stuck" myself.
She was a in a worse place and so all the attention went on her and I didn't see what was happening to me. I got lost. I gost depressed. I got angry. I reacted badly to all the crap she was pulling. I regret it.
I have been struggling to get myself back to earning a decent living. A living that can support me and my family which is W. I felt inadequate and she brought it up yesterday-the fact that I have been struggling with my business since we've been together. I told her that it is different now, I am making money-
She pointed out I still live with my parents. This is true.
THAT is the crap I've been glossing over. It hurts to hear that from her because she's right. THAT is MY part in this. That is the old wound she opened up yesterday.
As long as I carry this around...I will be stuck.
I have to forgive myself first then I can truly be the stronger one of us.
Right now all she has to do is hit me with how I acted when this was going on and I'm a gonner. I am seeking validation through her.
I have to do this for ME. This is where my self doubt still lies. Lies to myself. That is the "nut up" question. That is my achilles heel.
Thank you for asking.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
She was a in a worse place and so all the attention went on her and I didn't see what was happening to me.
We never see what is happening to us cause we are looking at them. We are looking at how to fix them, how to be heros, we NEED to do this because we need the validation. I'm just as guilt so don't feel alone in this.
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I felt inadequate and she brought it up yesterday
Notice the "I"...you felt it. Did she say you were "inadequate"? No but you felt it. Feelings dude, as you know go and come. They change over time. WE CONTROL these feelings.
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I have to forgive myself first then I can truly be the stronger one of us.
This my friend is HARD. You probably still spend some time thinkging about your role in this. You feel guilt. You feel remorse. Take these feelings and apply the energy to how you can fix it. Forgivness comes from GOd and it comes free of charge. Question for you is can you just accept it. Can you accept his grace and forgivness. Don't look for everyone to forgive you - that is up to them. As you have said focus on forgiving yourself. I think this takes time...a lot of time...another reason why the work we do goes on forever.
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This is where my self doubt still lies. Lies to myself
. That fu*king doubt... I hate it! It is in us though...can we carve it out.. can we kill it...or should we accepta it and learn how to deal with it. Is it lies or is it FEAR?
You can do this...you can reach deeper - I know you can.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
The tough one is that I struggled making a living and was "stuck" myself.
She was a in a worse place and so all the attention went on her and I didn't see what was happening to me. I got lost. I gost depressed. I got angry. I reacted badly to all the crap she was pulling. I regret it.
Grit,
This is what you did. This is something you are changing.
Originally Posted By: TrueGritter
She pointed out I still live with my parents. This is true.
So do you plan on living there forever?
Somehow I doubt that.
So is this really what the wound is?
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
Right now all she has to do is hit me with how I acted when this was going on and I'm a gonner. I am seeking validation through her.
Stop living in the past.
Or you will be stuck.
Grit,
As a female, I don’t know if I can completely relate with the whole “supporter of the family” thing that men go through.
How it relates to their self esteem…
However, I can tell you, you could have a million dollars…
And that does NOT make you a better person than the garbage collector…
Dig deep Grit, it is hard, but you can do it…
We all have tons and tons of layers…
Don’t quit now..
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
God I know when I am getting ready to move through another big growth spurt. I feel it coming intuitively. That's what I was posting last week. This sh!t was lying there just under the surface.
I have been very successful in business and I was in a new business that I started about 5 years ago and it was struggling. She couldn't work and we were in survival mode. It was Lazlo's heirarchy of needs we were really just trying to survive.
I have been self employed for 15 years so it was difficult for me to just -go get a job.
That's where she is right now survival- no money, can't even barely keep the electricity on. So she looks at me and knows I am finally turning it around largley due to work I've done here. So....
...she is resentful and angry now...and it's coming out of both barrels at me.
I didn't really know until today that this is my sticking point.
I'm digging, digging, digging...I hope I'm not digging a hole.
Cat thanks for coming by I hope you'll hang around... could use the perpective from the other gender.
As you can see we have all the testosterone we need around here.
I am not quitting! I want this for ME. I CAN be a better man. I know I am a BETTER man already.
Thank you for the insight and encouragement.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
You know T, I used to wish I had a magic pill to give to everyone to get to where they need to be without having to go through all the steps. And then I realized, you gotta go through the steps. No short cuts, no way around it.
The key to this is this. You've got to figure out what it is about you that you want to change and that includes things that you would have done differently in your marriage.
Once you have that figured out - each day, wake up and be that person. The one you would feel good to be. The man you would be proud of.
Try to live each day with dignity and honor and strength. Make your decisions with those characteristics in mind.
I promise you, that eventually, you will become that person.
Here's the other key. Do it all without thinking about who you think your wife wants you to be. That doesnt matter. It's who you want to be.
When dealing with your wife, remember the characteristics and be the person YOU want to be.
We have to live our lives everyday liking who we see in the mirror.
So, you can't change what you did or didn't say to your wife in that conversation. It's over and done with. But, you can learn from it.
And if you don't, then you can be angry with yourself. Right now, you did the best you could with the tools you had at the time. Next time, you'll do better because you know better.
This is tough stuff. Looking at oneself honestly and digging in and making the changes aint for the faint of heart.
But, oh boy, when you get there, it's life changing. It's invigorating. I promise.
So, think about you. What kind of person do you want to be?
She couldn't work and we were in survival mode. It was Lazlo's heirarchy of needs we were really just trying to survive.
I have been self employed for 15 years so it was difficult for me to just -go get a job.
That's where she is right now survival- no money, can't even barely keep the electricity on. So she looks at me and knows I am finally turning it around largley due to work I've done here. So....
...she is resentful and angry now...and it's coming out of both barrels at me.
So how do envision moving past this ?
For YOU ? F her for now man.....for YOU ?
A little quote that gets used around here often...
Actions.....not words.
You are never gonna talk your way out of something you acted your way into.
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
I didn't really know until today that this is my sticking point.
I'm digging, digging, digging...I hope I'm not digging a hole.
One usually has to , so that they can find deep answers....
Now that you know....
There are no excuses for that part of you again....
