I'm not against an MLCer having guilt, I am however against guilt that is caused directly by the LBS.
Mach, while I totally agree with you maybe you could explain what happens when the LBS does this. Does it prolong the time in the tunnel? Or is it just cruel?
In a nutshell....
Throughout their time in this, we are taught that most of what they say, we are not supposed to believe.
Exception being, the things that sting, those are the things that have some truth to them.
Those are the things we work on. The MLCer, on the other hand, is LOOKING for a reason to make us the bad guy.
WE are the reason they have to get out.
When direct guilt is applied to them, we are actually validating the reasons they want to get away.
We come across as the martyr to them, or the person that can do no wrong.
We have done the work ( or most of us have )
That , in itself, pi$$es them off.
Not only are we a better person for what we have gone through. They notice that as well, and are not happy with their choice.............. ( Most know that it is wrong , but can do nothing to stop it, Hence their own guilt)
US......rubbing that in to their faces....
Well, you can imagine how YOU would feel....
So essentially, if we can step back, and just remain still, and let nature take its course, we are in a much better position to actually be better instead of spouting off that we are.
Nothing we can say will bring them out of the tunnel any faster than they are moving naturally....
But we sure as hell can keep them there by what we say...
We HAVE to remember that this is THEIR crisis, and act accordingly.
I know my response was a bit guilt laden. That was the only part of the convo I regreted- saying that.
For the most part it was a pleasant exchange and I did just listen. It seems the theme was her resentment of me for how much easier she feels it has been for me through this process.
She sent a text this a.m. that is going to call me this evening.
Mach I know I just hit another ball in the water...I have to be really careful of reacting to wht she is saying to me becasue she is just spewing at me sometimes and she doesn't see her part in it. Her anger is emotion and that IS progress.
I too am still angry I think. That's why I react. I have to process this or I won't be able to talk to her without f#cking up.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Yes everything is falling apart. Why? Cause she is running!
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She did get the job but not real happy with it.
Is she going to be happy about anything? Really - the only way SHE will find her happiness is by finally dealing with the issues at hand and than my friend you CANNOT help with. Oh..I'm sure you do think you help. Hell I still do but the reality is the only way for us to help is for US to become WHOLE again.
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we both started laughing
This is good...you had a chance to show her that YOU are happy.
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Was mad about everybody in town knowing becasue of me when I left.
That is why we are not suppose to tell everyone what is going on. It make it that much difficult to reconcile later. She now is probably worried about what everyone is going to say if she decides to reverse course. You know what though...this is also her issue not yours. She owns it dude. IMO - if she really wants this to work then it really will not matter what anyone says. For mer personally, I want someone in my life that can stand on her own convictions.
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I tried to just listen.
Good.
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I don't know what all this means I think she is really starting to think about everything and is now trying to reconcile the damage she has caused.
Yes it could be. Sounds like you are being sucked back in. Sounds like the old True can come in an save the day. Sounds like the True sees some hope and now is going full steam ahead.
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i know you have doubts and that things seem hopeless for us but I have really come so far. Please trust me when I say I am not the man I was. Don't give up on us. I haven't... even after everthing.
Damn dude...why not just be open and honest and say..honey I am affraid..the chld in me is not readty to let go yet. So sweetie all you need to do is give me a crumb or two. Just know that I am here waiting for it.
True - your words to her may have been warranted...but honestly dude, why would you have text this? Seriously, why would you text something so deep and personal? Ask yourself this question..Sit still for a second..f-that make it an hour. Look inside you and ask why did you do this.
True - what is hope?
You are better than this man...
Look man.. I know you love this women..I know you want your R to work. Hell I do as well…but seriously we do not need to remind them of the work that we are doing. We do not need to remind them of the men that we have become. We do not. Do you know why?
Do you??? BECAUSE it does not matter. We become the MEN we are because WE wanted to. We do not need another person to acknowledge this. Does it make us feel good? Yes, should we expect it from our other half – NO.
By reminding her of the changes you have made you pretty told her that she could not see it…so YOU decided to help her. She does not need your help – she will see it or she will not.
Dude sorry for being hard on you man…that is not my intent but you need to examine why you need her validation.
Keep becoming the man that you are. Keep it up. I believe it but even I do not matter. YOU my friend…only YOU matter. YOU need to like who you have become.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Thanks for the lumber. Yesterday was just inevitable as I read back over my posts. It is something I could have avoided if i was in a better place but i wasn't and am not- YET.
Originally Posted By: eric
..honey I am affraid..the chld in me is not readty to let go yet. So sweetie all you need to do is give me a crumb or two. Just know that I am here waiting for it.
Totally right. When she started in on me and what I had done I got defensive. This is EXACTLY how I feel.
I haven't had much experience with this kind of convo with her yet becasue she has slowly started to contact me and the content is more angry and accusatory.
When she said she was thinking of moving out of state that just crushed me. That was the one that stung. That's what made me send the text....
I have some reflection to do and thinking to get myself through this and to a better place.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
