W has PTSD and in MLC

[Truegritter]

Update. W texted me about passing my real estate exam. She knew I was taking the test from earlier communications. Nice exchange said I could handle any buyers for house if she wanted and since we are still M I would pass through the commission.

I playfully said we are still M?

She said we are deliberately not divorced.

I said I like that! She had said for a while she wanted to get her real estate license and so brought that up. I had offered way back when to pay for her to get the license she asked if I would still.

I said yes. I figured it was something I offered so not following through would not be consistent.

I also said that we need to talk about things don't you think?

She said yes we need to talk. She said I am not healthy right now and that is not good for our M. I said I understand but that I married for better or worse, sickness and health.I don't need to hear anything other than we are both working toward the same goal. We both got off track on that but it was important to start fresh.

Told her I would send over stuff on real estate which I did last evening and haven't heard from her since.

I feel like I am getting dragged in again. I stay detached with no contact and then she breaks in and we talk a little bit. I don't have any expectations but I feel like everytime I talk to her I get f*cked up. I get impatient all over again. It is just a big pile of WTF?

She resists anything I say with regards to trying to understand where we are headed. Honestly if she just said I want our M but we need time apart that would be all I need right now. I don't think we need to be together right now. I am not ready and she is not either. I just can't handle the limbo.

Or the limbo of her pulling me in when she wants to. It is beginning to get to me. I notice way more now what it does to me.

I think when she contacts me again I need to tell her

You have been trying to tell me in your own way that you are not ready to say you want our M. You have said this to me directly and indirectly over the past 3 months. I did not want to hear that so I have been trying to be patient in hopes of hearing something different from you.

I want you to know I hear you. I will pay for your real estate school as I said I would.

I will respect your decision about us and I will not contact you unless it is something we need to talk about to manage our affairs. I would ask that you do the same.

I am sad about this but I understand.

Your H

I think this is a boundary I need to set and I am comfortable with either outcome. Either way I will be fine.

I am much better when I am totally detached and if we are going to talk then I have to know that our M is the goal.

No more putting energy into LIMBO for me it saps me emotionally and pulls me back on MY journey.

I know I have been here before and I am back here again and it always is a result of W little by little pulling me back in with no commitment from her.

Thoughts from my wise audience?

[Truegritter]

What makes me so lucky?

Just having a bout of doubt...

[Cadet]

I think when she contacts me again I need to tell her

You have been trying to tell me in your own way that you are not ready to say you want our M. You have said this to me directly and indirectly over the past 3 months. I did not want to hear that so I have been trying to be patient in hopes of hearing something different from you.

I want you to know I hear you. I will pay for your real estate school as I said I would.

I will respect your decision about us and I will not contact you unless it is something we need to talk about to manage our affairs. I would ask that you do the same.

I am sad about this but I understand.

Your H

I read your post this morning and I was hoping someone else would answer but IMHO do not send this letter.
I know it is what you would like to say but I do not think it is a good idea.

NC is better left unsaid. It is its own form of communication.
Your actions can do everything that was said in the letter without actually transmitting it.

Thats my .02

[Truegritter]

I either say what I said up there or I cannot have contact with her.

I am not trying to control her I am trying to control me.

Does that make sense?

I feel like I'm stuck.

[Cadet]

I say to stay NC, just do it, don't tell her.

[Truegritter]

OP thanks

My post got cut off.

The first part was I was not going to send a letter. It just when she contacts me I get pulled in. I 'm detached and then I get attached after these brief interludes of communication.

What do i do when she contacts me? and she will, it happens-and i allow it.

The rest is ^^^

[Mach1]

Grit,

So you are saying that there is no middle ground for you there.


There is nothing between Gilligan's Island and the Brady Bunch for you....

I'm still tryin to figure out exactly how real estate ties into a relationship talk.

THAT is what is keeping you stuck my friend.

You either allow, or initiate them at almost every opportunity.

Between light and dark is the balance.

She is coming to you some, yet you push things when she does.

What would happen if she could talk to you about anything, and you wouldn't mention the fact that you are married ?

Be her friend for now, and quit taking her temperature...

Capiche ?????



Grit, you get this , right ?

This monster called MLC ?

It is evident from your posts to others......


Now implement that knowledge that you have.....


Ever see the movie "Tin Cup " ?

When he hits the ball in the water 11 times ?

And Cheech tells him that this is the last ball in the bag ?

Cup says " I can make that shot.."

And Cheech says.." then stop F-ing around a do it !!! "



Grit, stop F-ing around and do it......











( I was kinda hopin that you would get this on your own...SMACK )

[Cadet]

What do i do when she contacts me? and she will, it happens-and i allow it.

Validate, what she says, cut the conversation short and don't get swallowed up by the vacum cleaner. Until you are detached enough to have the conversation, or she acts differently.

[Truegritter]

You either allow, or initiate them at almost every opportunity.

Yes I do. I start out great and she says something that makes me want to draw a line in the sand. It is her cake eating I have a problem with. I am trying to be her friend but I am still not scabbed over enough to get myself through it. It is still hitting a nerve...

...and like I said I'm fine when I'm not in contact with her. And I guess it's not that bad it only happens every 7 days or so. Not bad at all when you consider ....like root canal or something.

Grit, you get this , right ?

Yes I get it in my head. I just forget in the moment usually because I don't know when it's coming.

Grit, stop F-ing around and do it......

That is what I needed to hear...

OP thanks. That is how I have to handle it.

[Truegritter]

I do like what she said to me:

"We are deliberately NOT divorced."

It is kind of like that not dark/ not light paradox

Right in the F*cking middle.

Truegritter are you married?

No.

I am deliberately not divorced.