I talked to W last week and forgot to mention she has reached out to my sis who is also in MLC and living away from H and kids and in an A. They had a falling out a year or so ago so I think this is a good development.
After last weeks "Control" convo from my part I sent W this:
Quote:
I just wanted to say that as you move through this difficult time and try to find your way, that I will be here for whatever you need. If you need an ear I will listen. I will just LISTEN. I do have hopes that we can someday come back together and sometimes I let that desire get the better of me. Please understand that it is not meant to upset you when I try to make this happen. I don’t mean to push but sometimes I do. I am learning more patience every day. Every day I get a little stronger… and a little better.
I know it may be difficult for you to ask me to help but I want to say that if you need ANYTHING you can ask and it will come with NO strings. I am still your husband and still want to be. I know that for us to make it you have to make it on your own first. And when you look in the mirror and like who you see I hope you see me STANDING next to you. And that you want me there…
Your husband,
W sent this back:
Quote:
I received you message, thank you very much. I truly appreciate your honesty and hope you know that no matter what happens between us that I do care very deeply for you. Please know that I am still very fearful and cautious about EVERYTHING in my life at this point. More than anything I am happy to know that we are forgiving each other for the past. It is very hard to ask for help, especially when there is fear of being refused or rejected. Let catch up next week. xo
I don't know how I missed it but I never read the stages of MLCer by HB. My sitch is little confusing because I think I met W as she was entering denial and when we were apart when she lived in LA she told me she was in deep depression and couldn't leave her condo. Not sure and not sure it matters I know she is in replay now but I am seeing her coming to more self realizing POV. After reading the stages I was surprised at my own journey tracking the LBS's mentioned there as well. In some cases describing my own awakening in very similar terms as HB.
I really think I am in the right place now. I can definitely recognize rescuing and control when I feel and/or act on it. I feel completely detached now, I have no desire to contact her like I use to and now just wait for her to come out to me. She always seems to end her contact with me with "i'll talk to you later or let's catch up ..." Which is a change.
Anyway just catching up on my journaling and updating things for ya'll.
I'll be here patiently standing by...
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Gritt, you commented on my thread and I have been reading your thread, and was wondering what you thought I should do. You contacted your W, should I contact my H and tell him that I didn't mean what I said on the text about only wanting M to work for our D13?
I think he knew I was waiting for him until I did stop contact for a couple of weeks and that's when he asked D13 if she liked my boyfriend and she said Mommy doesn't have a boyfriend. So I think he was guessing I had someone because I wasn't contacting him.
But now like you said I (we) messed up with what we do sometimes should I make it right? Do I contact him like you did your W above? I don't know what to do.
True - I am learning a great deal from your thread. Thank you Man. Thank you.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I had a long talk with my best friend's W with whom I have a very good relationship. I have talked with her about W and our sitch in the past. Going back to when I was still with W.
She expressed concern for me and I explained what I was doing standing for my M. Told her W was having a very difficult time with transition at this point in her life basically describing her MLC. Finished by saying that these are not excuses for her behavior but they are reasons.
First response was you can't fix her.
I know that I already tried that...she has to fix herself.
Ok I'm going to challenge you on this and I don't want you to get offended. You are one of the best men I have ever met and you deserve to be happy. I am concerned that she has a problems that can't be fixed like maybe mental/emotional problems I don't know I'm not a doctor. I think she is extremely narcissistic. I don't think she is capable of being the kind of woman that you can be happy with. I'm sorry I am just being honest.
Where I am in this journey I am on is about me and my healing. Do I want my M. Yes. And I am not going to be unfaithful to my vows or disrespect my W or M. I don't know how long I will decide to do this. But that is my choice. I am going to ask you to trust that I am doing the best thing for me and that I will make choices that are the best for me. If W decides she wants the M then we begin a very difficult task of repairing our M. That would include me seeing very significant changes in her.
I see that you are very confident and you sound very sure and healthy about this.
End of convo
It did start a little self doubt in me. Everyone around me sees the problems W has and are very worried and concerned that I would choose to remain with her. She has been acting like an alien since before we got married.
Am I just blinded by love for this woman? When she is not acting out, when we are together alone or at home she is a very loving caring and stable person but am I just trying to make excuses or convince myself of somehting that I am afraid to admit?
Is this MLC or is she going to be this way forever?
The only thing I can say to myself is that I truly believe that there is so much more inside her than she is currently showing. She has shown me that in the past but it is less and less now that she is full blown MLC. Problem is most of the interaction with friends and family she has had incidents of alien behavior.
Her career and self image was based on her looks so she can appear narcissistic and self absorbed because quite frankly right now she is.
I don't know what I am asking here I guess just journaling and I think the answer is I will know if and when I get there whether I see a person I think is capable of being happy and leading an emotionally healthy life with me.
Right now that person isn't there. But who knows where her journey will take her....
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
After a week of nothing from W she texted me this morning to say she was going over to a fried of our house for M Day. Said she misses Dog and on day like today cause he's like our kid. Said she's trying to hang in there.
I texted her back that Dog said happy mother's day WOOF! Corny but she liked it. And that was it...
I just have this feeling she is trying to break through the fog. I might be just wishful thinking but I don't really attach anything to it. It's more just a feeling than I painful emotion.
That's all for now...
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
W texted again this evening to tell me she and my MLC sis have been trading phone calls and that sis was going to dinner with LBS BIL and she hoped they would have a good time.
I texted back That was good and I knew sis and H were having dinner tonight and said I was praying for them.
Then followed: and for us too... I probably shouldn't have sent the last part I know. I just thought of it and I blurted it out if you can do that on a text????
Got no response but thought it was good she texted twice in one day and I hadn't talked to her in over a week. The last time she called me. I am still not initiating contact. Also not sure what her reaching out to my sis means. I guess I'll know when I'm supposed to know.
Just being the happy old Truegritter...
Thanks for listening.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Woke up early this morning after a dream...not sure of details of the dream which is how dreams go I guess.
I just remember I was looking for W and it was dark, late at night, at a place like a club or hotel on the water, no one has seen W keep asking everyone, she hasn't called I look at my phone.
Then somehow I am in the water swimming toward a channel which goes toward the end of the hotel. The water gets more swift as I approach it and I'm a little frightened and then I start to feel the bottom under my feet...
The water runs into a dock-like structure and I begin to walk on the dock which leads back to the hotel but as I walk the dock gets narrower and then the planks become fatrher apart, smaller still and I can't keep my balance. Then I realize they stop alltogether and I have to get in the water again to make it over to the hotel, where I think W is. Where is W? I don't know I am worried and why hasn't she tried to contact me?
I wake up...
The dream reminds me of the feelings I have with W. She is caught up somewhere and doesn't care or can't see that I am trying to find her. She is so consumed with herself she doesn't undertsand or have the presence to care about my feelings. She is self absorbed. Our relationship is all me and has been for some time. I put the energy in she just takes it. Only responding to me but rarely initiating an unselfish or caring act.
She is like a child before it learns to share or sharing only because it has been told it's right. Her circumstance is all- consuming she has no room for another person.
I realize now that where she is I cannot be with her. Only if and only when she can see outside herself and see me as part of herself, as part of a whole relationship can I come back into this and engage in repairing our M.
This understanding brings more peace to my journey. I realize this has to take it's own course. It has its own time.
I just need to stand patiently and wait on the shore...where it is safe. Where I am not caught in the current.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Gritt, you've got all of the above correct. They are so selfish. I wrote on my thread about Mother's Day. My D13 was upset because of course she didn't have any money and was with H the night before until 10:00 in the morning on Mother's Day and didn't even ask her if she wanted to get me a card from her.
I'm glad that you are more at peace with your journey. And you are right we can't do anything but sit and wait and not get caught up in their stuff.
