Going straight forward...antlers 6th thread.

[Gardener]

ant,
You'll be nervous, scared, sad and hurt.
And you'll be fine.

[antlers]

I hate this. Mountains of legal paperwork. Intimidating and scary legal proceedings. Financial burdens never known before. Children that are in turmoil. Children being used as weapons against the other parent. A family torn apart. Hopes and dreams for the future shattered. And utter rejection and hatred from someone whom you thought you would spend the rest of your life with.

That's my life right now.

I feel a lot of stress. I'm doing the best I can. It hurts.

I wish things weren't this way...but they are. I wish the past wasn't what it was...but it is.

It still bothers me to no end that I was the way that I was. And it has cost me dearly. Given that, what else could I have done, after the fact? I've had true remorse, I repented, I shouldered what I had done, I apologized profusely, I tried to make amends and atone, I asked for forgiveness...and I changed.

What else could I have done, other than what I have?

[Coach]

What else could I have done, other than what I have?

Nothing. You can't change the past. When you can look in the mirror and say I tried my best then you are a success.

Knowing what you know now, what kind of man are you going to be? This is how you survive and thrive in this turmoil. You are a changed man for the better Antlers. I can't imagine the pain you are feeling. Just know it won't last forever and that you are loved and appreciated in this world.

Strength and Honor
Coach

[cat03]

I see now where you are coming from... I'm sorry that you are int he worst/thick of it, hope you got good legal advice and that negotiations didn't screw up your finances...too much.

It still bothers me to no end that I was the way that I was. And it has cost me dearly. Given that, what else could I have done, after the fact? I've had true remorse, I repented, I shouldered what I had done, I apologized profusely, I tried to make amends and atone, I asked for forgiveness...and I changed.

hmmm... i think I was on blame mode for about a year and a half... then I had to make myself remember that it wasnt' just me, there were too many factors why things went they way they were, that no matter how many times I'd torture myself trying to pin-point what happened/where/why it was just not going to make sense and fit in a neat box. What I did end up telling myself is that I did fight for my M, I did change, I asked for forgiveness, I gave us a fresh start and we had a great chance at working things out...but he wasn't interested.

So, even though the blame game will continue to play in your head try to cut it short telling yourself that you gave it your all, as someone put it here 'it might be too late but damn if it's going to be too little'... you came around and did your damnest, and that's what counts in the end. IT is easy to look back and see what we should've done, but you did the best with the knowledge you had then.

It will get better, I promise. Such a shame the kids are getting hurt in the process, jeez, that woman is selfish!... I took my kids to counseling when things were going bad, is that a posibility? it did them a world of good. My teacher told us one day that if your kids don't say you are mean then you are not doing a good job...so when when my son calls me mean when I dont
let him do something I dont' think is right I just say 'that's ok, it's my job' and don't get hurt about it anymore.

Best of luck with the paperwork!

[ImprovedRomeo]

antlers, you posted such wise words in my thread that I wanted to come and read your sitch. I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch. I know what you're going through with the legal paperwork and the uneasiness about the laws etc. I'm in the same boat, I have a child-custody mediation date of May 12th and then a court hearing date on May 24th. I absolutely have no idea what's going to happen on those dates but I know I'll survive. Whatever life throws at me I'll stand up and take it and some day I'll be able to look back and tell my grand kids about my own 'war' stories.

As for what else you could've done? really nothing! it's a two way street, one single person can't fix it alone. She has to be willing to work on it with you but she has no desire or the strength. She'd rather take the cowardly approach of cut-and-run. Just know that one day she'll realize what she did, just not right now. So stand tall for all that you did for your M and her and the kids and be proud! those of us that know what it takes to do that understand that it takes utmost determination and will...so the heck with those that won't appreciate it.

While it's not a good idea to hope that after D is final she'll come back but that's always a possibility. D doesn't mean an end of you two forever, it just means the end for now. So for now just focus on getting it done and getting it off your plate.

Just do your best and forget the rest.

[Bridgestone]

Hi Antlers,
I'm sorry you're in a rough spot right now in life.
The craziness of the legal side of things, the intensity of the emotions... fear, anxiety, disappointment... all colouring the thought process.

I hope you can find some way to get some relief from the stress of it, support from your friends & family, and peace from self-forgiveness.

I was happy to read that you & your son are having more positive interactions.

Something to think about that has helped me reframe events of loss in my life in the past few years.

"That's what learning is, after all; not whether we lose the game, but how we lose and how we've changed because of it and what we take away from it that we never had before, to apply to other games. Losing, in a curious way, is winning.”=== R. Bach

Take care
Peace
Bridge

[antlers]

Coach, cat03, StupidRomeo, and Bridgestone...Thank You all for your kind words of support. I really took to heart the things you all posted.
Today is the Final Resolution Conference between the Judge, my attorney, and her attorney. I'm working today, and I don't believe she is there either. They're gonna try to come to some agreement on things, and I have to be available by phone.
Otherwise, there's gonna be a trial.
It's been mean and nasty going so far...leading up to this point.
My son and I have been spending some good time together. Thank God for that.

Thanks again folks for your support. The things you wrote really mean a lot to me.

[poet]

"I wish things weren't this way...but they are. I wish the past wasn't what it was...but it is."

Antlers,

I can't remember if I've ever posted to you before, but I will say some things now.

First, I just learned, from reading your thread, that you and I are on the legal side of a divorce together, at almost the same time. I'm going to court today for temporary support, and you are having some legal issues today too. That makes us akin to a parallel path.

As for your quote above: I use to wish things weren't what they were too, but I don't anymore. I see my H as a monster now, knowing what I know now has changed the way I feel about him. I see you as blaming yourself for most of this; someone told me to look at the way he treated me. And I did. Now I see that it wasn't all my fault, that he had at least half the blame. Maybe if your wife didn't treat you the way she did, you would have treated her differently.

"I hate this. Mountains of legal paperwork. Intimidating and scary legal proceedings. Financial burdens never known before."

Think of the paperwork as a bothersome detail. I did. Money is a matter too. I have $1.05 in my checking account. I'm going to this court hearing today with little emotional support from family, friends and others. I'm completely alone, except for my attorney. You have children. Always, be thankful for your children. If you didn't have children, you'd have less support from others.

"And utter rejection and hatred from someone whom you thought you would spend the rest of your life with."

(I'm just throwing this out there. I don't even know if you believe in God). But, this is what I do, every day. I pray for God to forgive him. I've been doing it for two years. The tears don't come as often. And I'm able to see him for the monster that he is. God doesn't always give us what we want, but he always gives us a vision. Your case is different than mine. Don't you want to see the vision that will set you free? I did.

"Given that, what else could I have done, after the fact? I've had true remorse, I repented, I shouldered what I had done, I apologized profusely, I tried to make amends and atone, I asked for forgiveness...and I changed."

And, I believe you. Now, you have to believe yourself. That's the key. Turn all of what you just said into, "I'm better than than now. And, I deserve better."

just my .02.

poet

[Gypsy]

Hey antlers,

Whatever you feel about marital possessions and assets, they're still considered joint property. Stuff is stuff. Only your children and the intangible, what makes you a good person, what you are grateful for, are important.

Being on the receiving end of the blame game is draining. I believed and/or felt guilty for everything he accused me of. Then I realized I gave him that power. I thought back to what he said and viewed his words from a different light.

Something broke. It wasn't fixed. It ended.

And I started chuckling when I thought back to some of my actions in the relationship. I might not want to be married to me, either.

Your divorcing spouse is a walking wound, spewing pus and anger. She needs that to justify her actions. She doesn't trust you, she's enraged and lashes out at you. My divorcing/former spouse continues to do that to me, even though he married the woman of his dreams (2.0) The saying, "Thou doth protest too much.", comes to mind.

When your kids get stuck in the middle, think of what you'd say to a good friend's child going through the same thing. "This not your responsibility. This is something for your mom and me to work out." Don't take the message. Write/call/text her back and set a firm boundary. Otherwise it will become the norm.

Validate your departing spouse's words when she spews, "I can see why you feel that way." "Absolutely." It takes two to fight.

So Antlers, I'm sorry to hear how miserable this is for you. It can be viewed as an unending crucifixion with self flagellation thrown in or a pain in the ass project. Your choice. Put your energy where it counts most.

And congratulations on becoming the person you're meant to be, an intangible no one can take away from you.

*hugs*

[antlers]

Gypsy and poet...Thank You for your supportive words. All of what you wrote resonates with me, especially...

"Given that, what else could I have done, after the fact? I've had true remorse, I repented, I shouldered what I had done, I apologized profusely, I tried to make amends and atone, I asked for forgiveness...and I changed." - antlers

"And, I believe you. Now, you have to believe yourself. That's the key. Turn all of what you just said into, "I'm better than that now. And, I deserve better." - poet


and...

"Your divorcing spouse is a walking wound, spewing pus and anger. She needs that to justify her actions. She doesn't trust you, she's enraged and lashes out at you." - Gypsy


It's about 1:30 in the afternoon here and I haven't heard anything yet.

Thank You again for your kind words of support.