I hear what you are saying. It is difficult not being able to guage if what you are doing is helping or hurting. Meaning hurting myself or the R or my H. I will not go out without a fight. Having said that, I of course need to take a real hard look at myself and where I am and where I want to go. I know that is what my H is doing. This is marriage 2 for him as well and I know that he feels most of his life has been in a R with someone and he is quite unsure of who he is.
He says that I really changed about 6-7 years ago when my 1st H died. This is the father of my D17. Last year after marriage counseling I began the journey of looking at who I really am. I never thougth of myself as a co-dependent person until that time. Yes, that was a difficult period for me because the person I always thought I was never existed. Now I had to work to find out who I really am. I have always tried to control so many aspects of my life, often I have realized that this is impossible but still I would try.
Also, I have surly been the fixer in the M. Often taking on the majority of the responsibilities. Another thing that really sticks in my mind is how my H cannot let go of the past. Never really forgiving or forgetting and my reactions to this when he would bring things up. I had already started working on these things before the bomb. And in coversations my H already mentioned that he did notice. It is difficult to just move along in life, standing where you are confused and surrounded by others while it feels like your life is at a stand still.
Sorry that you find yourself here but as everyone has told you, this is a great forum to discuss your sitch with people that are in similar situations. A few things to consider...as Jack pointed out you will get a lot different opinions here. Some will apply some will not. You will need to sift through and determine what is applicable in your sitch. DB'ing is really counter intuative so sometime you may recieve advise that is contrary to what you may "feel" like doing but may actually work in your sitch.
True has really pointed out that this journey is ultimately about YOU.
I would suggest that you take some time and write down some things you've always wanted to do for YOU but did not do due to circumstances. Post this list. Remember, the things you do going forward are really for YOU. You cannot control another person but YOU can control how you react to your H.
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I have never had lots of friends especially female.
Why is this?
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I hate that H goes out and comes home and I am always there.
If you hate it then why do it?
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I feel a real need to just go somewhere and not come home so that at least I do not feel that he thinks I am just waiting around for him.
Sounds to me like you would be going out, with the expectation that he will notice. Remember DO THINGS FOR YOU - not to illicit a response from him.
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I am so torn as to the fact of weither I should still try connecting with him or if I should just stop trying.
IF you want an opportunity to save your M then you really will need to take some time to figure YOU out first. Don't let these feelings of despair rule you. This is going to be tough road - no doubt BUT you will be fine and you just may find out things about you and H that may make your future R much much better.
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I just feel it would be easier to just throw in the towel and move on but deep in my heart that is not what I really want.
Yep - you'll feel like this sometimes. So what do you really want?
IMO - right now you should sit back and give your H some space. Take this time as a gift...a time for you to REALLY figure out what you want. Don't rush it - do push it - just go with the flow for now.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
You mentioned co dependency and fixer. Two very difficult words. I was both as well and you get there without even knowing it but you do lose yourself.
Your H was lost in this unhealthy relationship too. As much as we see what we do as helpful it gives them an even greater sense of failure or lack of achievement.
It is even harder to detach from this type of R. Your self esteem is tied to your ability to help them and your fear is that they will some day be able to do it without you and then?...Not need you.
Detachment should be your goal right now for you and for H. If this dynamic is at work and allowed to continue your M will be over.
There is a book I read called codependent no more or something like that. I will find it and post the name. You can google the topic too and find some stuff.
Take care
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Okay H just called me to tell me he is buy a jeep. This has been something he has wanted to do for a while now. I am happy for him. You can tell how excited he is right now.
Quote: I feel a real need to just go somewhere and not come home so that at least I do not feel that he thinks I am just waiting around for him.
Sounds to me like you would be going out, with the expectation that he will notice. Remember DO THINGS FOR YOU - not to illicit a response from him.
Quote: I am so torn as to the fact of weither I should still try connecting with him or if I should just stop trying.
IF you want an opportunity to save your M then you really will need to take some time to figure YOU out first. Don't let these feelings of despair rule you. This is going to be tough road - no doubt BUT you will be fine and you just may find out things about you and H that may make your future R much much better.
Quote: I just feel it would be easier to just throw in the towel and move on but deep in my heart that is not what I really want.
Yep - you'll feel like this sometimes. So what do you really want?
First, let me say that I am a homebody especially through the week. I don't want to go out and come home at midnight. I have to work and that part of my life is over as far as I am concerned. An occasional late night is fine but I can't do what he is doing right now. It just won't work for me.
Second, I really would have no way of knowing what his response would be if I didn't come home. I just feel as if he knows I will always be there, as if I am waiting for him to come home and I am not.
Finally, what I really want to do is be strong and see this through no matter what the outcome because I really do not want to start over again and I truly believe that the both of this can come out on the other side of this crisis with a better relationship. I hope that it is a marriage R but I recognize it might not be.
Second, I really would have no way of knowing what his response would be if I didn't come home. I just feel as if he knows I will always be there, as if I am waiting for him to come home and I am not.
You're not doing it for him you're doing it for you. But the point is if you are sitting home and as you have said you feel a bit left behind when he is out and you're just there waiting. Then you should do something to change that.
You don't have to go out to bars etc. Go over to a friends house. Go see a movie. Go to a coffee shop and read a book. Or be in bed when he gets home. But if he feels like you're "waiting" that can produce feelings of pressure and guilt on him which is what he is trying to get away from (insert new jeep and drive off)
You will feel much better about all this when you start to take control of you and Your life. And forget about what H is doing
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I have been working on detachment for about a year now and this is a difficult proccess, I never knew what it was called before coming to this forum. I was really angry and hurt when he first said the words to me. But being the fixer, I immediatly wanted to take action and that is when I found the DBing books. The have been really helpful to me and so I started out by asking for what I wanted. That was for him to consider a seperation instead of just calling it quits right away.
He was open to this so here we are. However, it is difficult to seperate from each other when you are living in the same house. A small house at that. I still am unclear if I should keep trying to connect when possible.
I will not stop living my life because of this situation. I have never been the kind of person to just roll up in a ball and not get out of bed. There is way to little time and too many laughs and beauty to be missed.
BTW when yiou want to quote just hit the quote button in the lower right of the post you want to quote. It will pull in the entire text then you can pick and delete what you want.
Multiple quotes within a text you do by starting what you want to quote with
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to finish the quote.
You'll get it's easy once you do it a couple of times.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
