W has PTSD and in MLC

[Truegritter]

Crazy weekend! I am doing great. Nothing new on the R front still in NC but it definitely is much easier now.

I was able to control taking the emotional ride after seeing W last week.

[lolawar]

I am so glad to hear that. Crazy weekend here as well. Keep it up!!!

[ericmsant2]

Way to go True. So how Crazy of a weekend?

[Truegritter]

I just hung out with friends all weekend. Actually met a woman she hung out with us most of the weekend. I feel kind of weird about it.

I am trying to sort out my feelings about it. I don't really want to invest in any romantic type relationship right now. It felt like it was goiing there quick. Weird.

It is difficult because I haven't had any connection with someone since separation with W in early Dec. What is the LBS supposed to do? Question for myself I guess.

You've been at this longer. Have you had to deal with this issue?

I think I know the answer for me right now is not to get involved with anyone in any way. But I think that will change over time. But how long? I don't know.

[Truegritter]

Back to documenting my existential journey...

Some observations/problems I have been reconciling:

NIMF- (Not In My Family)This is the double standard applied by family members in the name of love and caring. They blame spouse for all your pain, think you do no wrong, say your M was a mistake, problems with spouse are too insurmountable, why would you want to be with someone who has done this to you?

I am getting this from both my parents and did get it from my sis until she entered MLC recently. I find my parents to be very compassionate towards a couple where the W has severe Bipolar disorder. Doing things for W saying H is so caring and understanding. My M speculated that my W was bipolar shortly after we were M but got no such caring and understanding from her as I see with this couple that are their friends.

I know that it is their fear that does this. They can stand detached from this couple and admire and support their struggle but they do not have to live it. Their friend is so admirable for how he stood by his wife during her illness.

More to come ...

[Truegritter]

I don't need my family to accept this decision I have made. I use to need that.

I have said to my mother now and in a very loving tone:

I don't need to you to like W or be friends with W anymore. I use to need that but I don't anymore. It is your choice to do that or not do that but she is my W and she is part of my family until I decide she is no longer.

[Truegritter]

I have learned and accepted that my W did not make decisions to hurt me. If I believed that I would not be here telling you this.

Her pain and self loathing is more powerful than her capacity to love herself and me. More powerful than her words of commitment. More powerful than her desire for a healthy and happy M. She is committed right now to the "worse" in for better or worse. I lived the worse with her and committed to it as well and that was our undoing...

What I have committed to now is the better. The better for me which may bring the better for our M and the better for her if she chooses it.

We enter a M with the highest expectations and hopes that everything will eventually be perfect and happy. So we pursue PERFECT.

We move down the road...and then things of course don't turn out perfect...

I believe my salvation is in what I do with my imperfect M and my imperfect life..

[ericmsant2]

True

Your posts sound good IMO.

I don't really want to invest in any romantic type relationship right now.

What is the LBS supposed to do?

I guess the only way that I can answer this question is...Are you still really standing for your W? A couple of questions that you may want to ask yourself..1)How will this impact your current R? 2) What DO YOU really want in your life right now? 3)Will this help or hurt you? Only you can answer these questions. I would say it is normal to flirt and boost the ego - I know I have. Having said this, when will True really find TRUE...when will True know that it is time. Look inside buddy I think you know the answer. It may be something that you do not want to face right now and that is okay but you do know the answer.

Regarding your family....their emotions are to be expected. You cannot change them but YOU can control how you deal and interact with them. At the end of the day I believe everyone should be respectful towards each other. My in laws adore me and I them. Will this change in the future? Who knows. Take it day by day. Allow your family to vent just do not add fuel to the fire. Just listen.

I have learned and accepted that my W did not make decisions to hurt me.

A very good place to be. Very good. Sound like forgiveness. I have to assume that these feeling may change in the future i.e. you may feel differently one day and then go back to understanding. I think this is a process but I have to tell you I like where you are right now.

What I have committed to now is the better.

Fu**ing A man! You are committed to the better. A better you..a better life.

if she chooses it

Spot on - If she chooses...you cannot choose for her but you can choose to live the better life for YOU.

I believe my salvation is in what I do with my imperfect M and my imperfect life

Well said my friend...well said...

God Bless,
Eric

[Truegritter]

Eric
I cannot express how grateful I am to be here and to have the wise people here steer me through this journey. But most of all I am grateful to have people like you who are on this journey with me...and are living it as I live it...

I identify so much with what you're going through and posting right now. Thank you for listening and being there.

I am gaining clarity and strength every day. I feel more hope than I have ever felt since my M began to fail.

I will be in a much better place however this plays out.

I know that in my heart.

[Truegritter]

OK

W has been reaching out to me. Email yesterday. The phone call today.

Her mother left to go home this a.m. after 4 months. She has stopped taking meds cause she can't afford it. She has no money and is telling me this and starts to cry. I tell her I'm sorry she having diificulty and say if you need anything call me and end the convo. I wasn't expecting that and I had someone in the car with me so couldn't talk anyway.

I was concerned about it all day and I called her back to tell her I didn't mean to end our conversation so abruptly that I had someone with me.

We start talking she gets into how she doesn't want to fall into deep depression we talk about my sis etc. I start to feel like I'm getting dragged into the drama...so I stop her...

Say I can't talk about this with you it is very emotional and I get upset about your sitch and our relationship isn't in a place where I feel comfortable with this...BOUNDARY

Mad-I shouldn't talk to you then about this- I don't understand why did you call me?

I didn't you called me and you started crying this a.m. and I was just calling you back cause I couldn't talk....

I say I don't know what you want from me. What am I supposed to do for you what can I do as your husband?

W:I don't know I have to get on my own two feet and take care of myself...

TG:Well if we were in a different place...

W:Where?

TG:Well I mean if we were working on our M. If you were committed to working on our M...

W:I can't commit to our M right now

OUCH! I felt like I was trying to get her to move in some direction get something out of her and BAM I got what I asked for. I knew I f#cked up as soon as it was coming out of my mouth but I couldn't stop it. I try to recover and say I have been working real hard on this stuff and that my anger is going away.

W: I'm still angry. I don't know if I can trust you and I'm sure you can't trrust me.

TG: Well that's a start if you didn't feel anything I'd be worried

We talk for a while longer and she calms down I validated when I could and tell her again that I am committed to our M and if she wants to talk just call. If she needs anything just call.

I think we're hanging up and she says I love you just as I hang up the phone.

I was not prepared for this convo as you can tell. I have been in my detachment and just fine.

Now I am all f#cked up. Lesson learned DON'T TALK JUST LISTEN.

Listening isn't cake eating, but I felt like I was losing my detachment I was getting involved again...

I know I'm not through with the feelings about this but wanted to get the initial crap out ...