W has PTSD and in MLC

[Truegritter]

Lola did you you major in Western Religion History?

LOL!

I might not be using the right term in the classical (or religious) sense but what I meant was when someone takes on someone else's pain...


...and make exuses for their behavior

Not really a true martyr more like a camel I guess, packing your own emotional baggage and someone else's across the desert.

Putting yourself in harm's way for someone.

Continuing to endure emotional pain for someone.

Make sense?

Derivatives might be fixer, enabler, rescuer etc.

The W of an alcholic who stay in the M for the kids would be another example.

But your point is well made, and it is the one I was making is that you are not a martyr if you love as I described above.

We have control over the suffering, and letting it go.

Only we can allow ourselves to suffer.

[lolawar]

LOL- furthest from Western Religion History...bio-chem major!!! not even close. ; )

But I do understand what you are saying. Have you heard from your W? When is enough enough?

I am having a panic attack tonight navigating my way thru refinance papers. It is so scary to take on such a huge financial responsibility alone. UGH!! My lifestyle is going to take a huge hit. I just need to figure out ways to cut corners and make the situation work.

H called tonight. I didn't even answer the phone. I am so not in the mood to discuss any of this although I know we need to. I am living in my house right now like nothing has changed. Eventually my H is going to come and raid half of what we built together. All of this is very very scary. Are we going to be bickering over screw drivers and wine glasses? I just don't know what to expect. Sorry to raid your post...just having a moment.

Hope you are still doing well?

[Truegritter]

But I do understand what you are saying. Have you heard from your W? When is enough enough?

Can't say when. I'll know when I think but it will be up to me.

Haven't heard from W.

I was telling my IC today cause she asked whether I thought W was assertive and whether I thought she wanted to save the M.

Honestly I don't see my W continuing with OM. She doesn't blame me for her unhappiness. Doesn't blame for M failing. She is just running. I don't think she knows how to unwind what she has done here. She has said that SHE has made a mess of things.

I know that I cannot put my faith in any of this but it is what I think. I don't let it rule my daily thoughts but I do have hope.

I am just living my life the strongest and best way I can for me.

[Truegritter]

W contacted me yesterday. As I have reported I have initiated no contact with her and have had very little from her for 15 days.

Also as reported earlier she contacted me on FB after seeing activity on my FB, GALing stuff and asked if we could talk this week.

She said she was going to be near my office and wanted to come over. Of course my mind starts going every direction and I think she wants to just come get the rest of her stuff that is at my office that she has mentioned in the past that she wanted to come get. Says she would be over sometime about 3

I am thrown into chaos. After detaching I have been able to handle all the crap and now with her finally breaking the limbo good or bad I find myself trying to hang on to the new truegritter. So that is what I focus on during my day until she comes over.

We sit and talk at my office. Her body language and her demeaner seems contrite to me. Small talk. Said she hope I had brought the dog so she could see him. I said I told you that you can take him for a visit any time. She said I know but that would be difficult that she misses him so much.

This launches into R talk from her. We talk about her FB message to me. I say:

I am trying to live what I told you in that email I sent (see up thread)

TG:I am trying to be joyful. I am trying to work hard and live my life. That is what I promised you. I shouldn't have to say this but you know that I am not being unfaithful to you or disrespecting our M

W: I know that

TG: I am here but you have to figure out what is going to make you happy. What path you want your life to take. If you tell me you want to go on some adventure and that you don't want to be married anymore then I will be sad but if that's what you want then just tell me.

W: I realize that I have been living in other people's shadows. That I need to stand on my own. It has been very difficult. I am trying to find work. I am in financial hardship. I have stopped taking my meds because I can't afford it.

TG: How's that going?

W: Sometimes ok sometimes not. I find I am very angry sometimes.

TG: Is it directed at me?

W: No just about everything.

TG: Well for what it's worth I am not angry anymore. My IC shared with me that they studied when this happens in a M people liken the pain to be worse than losing both your parents at the same time. I can understand someone describing it that way.

W: Yes.

She talks about when her alcoholic friend was living with us says that was crazy. Neighbor is a weirdo she realizes now and not stable. Says she doesn't drink really anymore. Basically a talking about things that were real problems in our M and letting me know she understands and agrees.

TG: I know this seems like there is so much that has happened and that it seems so difficult. All the crazy stuff that happened but it doesn't have to be that difficult. You just have to decide to find happiness.

Basically a very good convo and I was surpised I could keep my path of basically living my promise to myself and her that I made in my email to her.

Gave her some CD's I had since she mentioned she didn't have any entertainment. No TV, no Ipod, etc. Walked her to her car.

Gave her a hug that lasted for a while until I broke it off. During hug I say "are you ok?" W: Yes.

I said it takes 2 words.

W: What?

TG: I'm ready.

She smiles and I close the door to her car and walk back into my office.

W texts a few minutes later "Thank you for being so kind."

I text: You do not have to thank me. You know where I stand so you should know it is who I am.

I don't know what comes next but I am going to stay on my path. I am not going to initiate contact. I don't have any expectations. I am not going to mindread.

I feel good. And today is Friday!!!

[ericmsant2]

True -

It is very nice to see your growth...very inspiring. As I read your thread I could not help but notice the class and diginity that you have demonstrated thru this process. You my friend are a class act!

BTW - Are you still horse riding?

God Bless,
Eric

[lolawar]

Grit- I am soooooo proud of you. You really are a class act. I will write more later. xo

[Truegritter]

Eric and Lola thank you both!

It has been a very difficult time but I am in a much better place.

I have been enriched with the wisdom of the folks on here and the courage of the people who are walking this path with me.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Wow,

A very good job on your part.

You like this new guy you have in your head to become right?

And if that is so, then you'll know why many here say they do not regret what happened...they became the new person they wanted to be.

Like a cake you're still not done yet, and...sadly if she came back right now...today, you would never really get there.

You need more time on your own to become your own person.


You did an amazing job, with style and grace that many oldtimers would envy.

And your attitude reminds me of me, when I first got here. : )

Before I got thrown for a dozen loops or so. : )

Take care of yourself, and keep your goal sharp in your mind's eye.

[Truegritter]

Thanks Jack.

There was a moment that I had to catch myself. I wanted to reconnect and text her ...

But I know this is a long road and I don't want to be with her right now...

It would not be the best for either of us. She is not done with her journey and I am not done with mine.

But I did pass a HUGE growth milestone for ME. I am stronger and better but not the strongest and not the best I can be.

I am going to stay the course.

[lolawar]

hey Grit- how is it going?