She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[tbart01]

We're not even going to do it at the house. We don't want to have the conversation in front of the kids. I have no idea where we're going to go. She's at the movies with D14, and when she gets back we're going somewhere.

We've been getting along really well when we're together. Today we went and looked at the condition of our rental today. At one point we were standing outside looking at the roof, and she stood there with her arm around me while we looked.

She sees us getting along every time we're together, we even laugh and joke. When we talk about things we don't fight, but she still won't come home yet.

Oh well, I'll know more after we talk this evening. I'll let you guys (Steady) know how it goes.

[tbart01]

Well we had our conversation. We wen't down to the river and sat in the car and talked.

It went very well with both of us just talking and no one losing there cool. It was a very open and honest conversation.

She said she part of her wants to come home and put this behind her, while the other part still holds resentment. She's afraid that if she comes home now she'll go back into her shell. She doesn't trust me enough yet that I would not let her go into her shell.

We still have more talking to do over time, but progress is made each time we speak. This isn't going to get fixed over night, and I just need to give her time.

I told her that when she's ready t come home I won't be ready to not see my daughters everyday. She completely understood, and has been thinking about that. Not quite sure what she meant by that.

With all that has gone on with her and I, my D14 and juvy, and some things with her mom, she doesn't feel she can come home and be a good mom. She just needs a little time to gather herself.

She's still pondering the idea of coming home and letting me stay in the spare room. Not sure if she'll give in to that one, but we'll see.

It was a good talk, and we'll see what future talks hold for us. Also, there's still MC in our future.

[steady]

Sounds positive. At least you guys have a line of communication open about the whole sitch.

My W and I had none. She only wanted to do what she wanted to do, beat on me in MC, and had no desire to work on anything. Your position appears to be good.

Don't drop your guard. Keep doing what you've been doing. Like you said, it's going to take time.

[robx]

[quote=tbart01]
She's still pondering the idea of coming home and letting me stay in the spare room. Not sure if she'll give in to that one, but we'll see.[quote]

what the heck?!
are you trying to bribe her to come back home by telling her that if she does, you'll move out of the master bedroom and stay in the guest room while she stays in the master bedroom?

Haven't you read anything on this forum?

You don't move out of the master bedroom, ever!
If she wants to come back, she can sleep on the couch, she can sleep in the guest room, in fact, it's you who should be telling her, you're not sure you want her sleeping in the master bedroom yet, it doesn't feel right for you considering all that's happened and you would like to maintain things the way they are and since you just got home, it's best for you to stay in the master bedroom which is normal and familiar for you and it's what you want after being away from home for so long.

You have been warned, do not move out of the master bedroom if she offers to come back home. It's your bed.
You aren't doing any favors to her by supplicating her WAW behavior. TB how long have you been on these forums and you still think like this?!

[robx]

"...and letting me stay in the spare room.

read that part over and over again and let me know when it actually makes sense to you that she "lets you stay" in the spare bedroom or the master bedroom. Why do you need her permission? Why are you seeking her approval? Acting like this kills attraction between men & women and you need to smarten up!

[tbart01]

I never really told her that I would be sleeping in the other room. I just said that we could stay in separate rooms.

We have a ways to go, but I feel that when we do end up in the house together it won't be in separate rooms. Right now she's afraid that MC will cause too much tension between us, so she's afraid to be in the house together after a session.

We both agreed that digging up the past won't help with MC, and we need solution oriented to help us move forward. She's still confused with all that's going on, not just R. However, things appear more positive than gloom like before.

[DaddyLongShanks]

tbart01,

Looks at OfficerInNeed post. He has a list of 20 bullet items to be handled. There is no focus on handling old arguments, but rather addressing the issues today:

Like:

1. Sleep in the same bed
2. Wife wears wedding ring
3. Regular sex life and intimacy
4. Cold attitude gone and working together on most issues
5. Delegated responsibilities
6. Better communication
7. Better management of anger
8. Rules on discussion of sensitive issues (IE: don't discuss in front of kids )
9. Attend Retrauville and sessions
10. Several dates per month
11. Wife also initiates intimacy and sex life

Something like that. I have about 30 issues that I could address in my sitch and I'd be a pretty happy camper.

[MrBond]

"We both agreed that digging up the past won't help with MC, and we need solution oriented to help us move forward."

I believe you're wrong here. You need to figure out what happened in the past that might have caused this current sitch. Look on these boards. Too many people are back here again because they swept their original problems under the rug. Too many.

Address your past issues now so they don't resurface. Not saying that a specific event in the past caused your current problems, but it's usually a culmination of many "little" resentments.

[steady]

MrBond I think what he means is to not keep going over the past in MC. That happened to me. My W kept talking about past issues over an over and each time she relived it in her mind. She also kept changing to make it worse and worst.

I agree they have to find out what went tangent and what each of their issues are. But I think that only needs to be done one time.

I think tbart has identified many of his issues as well has his wives. I think what they need to do is express those in MC, then come up with something similar to the bullets listed above.

The past is in the past. I think what happens a lot here is the WAS won't find it in their heart to forgive and move forward. Too much staring into the rear-view mirror causes a crash.

Just my two cents.

[tbart01]

Steady you know me too well now. That's exactly the thing, we know the issues there's just no need to dwell on them.

I have already corrected most of the flaws I know I needed to fix. I can't change whatever has been done nor can she. All we can do is make sure we don't fall into it again.

I'm further along in the repair phase than my W is. She's going to get back to me later this week on MC. She has also admitted to having problems forgiving which hinders her ability to trust. This isn't anything new, it just never applied to me before.

You all bring up good points, but Steady's explanation is spot on. We have positive steps being made here, and I hope we can keep going forward. The communication has been incredible, she just needs to sort her head out.

I'm being patient and giving her the time and space she requires. You also need to remember that I've been gone for six months and she was left with all the responsibilities. A military spouse is the hardest job there is, and she's held up very well until now. She's a bit overwhelmed, and I need to clear that up first.

Just enjoying being a dad right now.