Trust, Cat. Do you mean in ourselves or our MLCer?
TF,
Trust. Period. Be really honest with yourself. Do you trust your own judgement right now? In regards to other people? At least as far as your H is concerned?
You say you don’t believe him. Is that because he has lied so much, or because you are scared that if you do put any trust in him, you will be proven wrong, thus questioning your own judgement?
Yes we need to relearn how to trust them, but they have to earn that trust. Slowly. And they have to want to earn that trust.
But we also have to learn how to trust in ourselves as well. That it is ok to put your faith in people and know that if they let you down, it doesn’t mean that you were wrong.
It is how the walls we build get broken down and how we keep them from reforming in all of our relationships.
It is a necessary step in our healing. Otherwise, we remain as stuck as they are.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I do question my own judgment right now at times, to be honest, mostly in regards to H. I do struggle with that. It is that whole trying to figure out how to be right now.
As regards to not believing him, it is both. Yes, he has not been honest with me about much for the past year and a half and yes I am scared to put any trust in him because I am scared of being proven wrong.
Example - he has taken some actions it seems to start rectifying his financial mess and take some of that pressure of off me (his words about the pressure) - YET I don't trust him to do the things that need to be done completely, at least not yet. BUT his actions have shown good faith effort.
And I am just not sure he is trying to earn my trust back yet, at least not intentionally, if that makes any sense. But for the most part in the past few weeks the things he has said he would do he has followed through on.
My confusion is in that the more he acts like the old H, the easier it is to FEEL like I can trust him (I never had to question my trust in him before this MLC) but then I think back over the past year and a half and how completely my trust has been broken and just don't know what to think.
Just kind of venting. I have to feel my way through all of this.
Things get to going in the direction you want them but our spouses actions have not sync'd up with their words for so long that you want them to say and act the same way.
Time and Space, Time and Space, Time and Space.....I keep telling myself to give her Time and Space.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
TF, just dropping by, but I was very excited when I glanced through your sitch. Especially at the invitation to the work event. I'm going through major trust issues too, WH says he wants to reconcile, but I really don't trust him anymore and keep questioning everything. Big difference though -- when WH is with me and talking to work people on his cell, he makes a big deal out of pointing out to them that he's with a great girl (me!) -- but he NEVER says it's his wife, wants them to believe I am some sort of new hot date! Your H wants to bring you guys -- in person -- to his work event. I think that's wonderful! Good luck
MHL - Time and space - maybe I need to get that tattooed on the back of my hand so I can be reminded constantly. Things seem to progress forward yet without those words . . .
SC - I think their words and actions have to match up for us to believe them. I think the work thing was a pretty huge step for mh H since he had been shutting us out so deliberately like he didn't want to admit we existed even though so many people there know we exist and know who the kids and I are. So strange. Of course, a year ago he was trying to be "single" so I guess it makes sense.
