BUNS, ABS, AND HEART OF STEEL #3

[forward]

And to continue musing...I guess I wonder about these aspects of dark.....

Is it healthy to simply eliminate contact with people? And is it a good message to send to our kids.

I think in the case of X's, yes, it is, although after the hot emotions have died down, perhaps a low-contact relationship, the sort of "neighbor over the fence" R makes sense, assuming children are involved. Otherwise I see no reason to have R w/X.

As far as R w/X's family...I would not want to get dragged into their dramas and familial stuff, but I would send a card at Christmas.

I admit, though, that my contact w/X's family has grown increasingly scant. After all, it is not as if I have received a thank you or card in return. I have also encouraged D to call X's family on holidays.

[TRUSTING]

Initially I chose to go dark because my in-laws (who are deeply religious people) welcomed OW with open arms. They still wanted a close relationship with me though, but I am not sure how much of that had to do with the children. My MIL's words to me when she found out about the affair was, "things like this happen all the time, you just have to put up with it or move on". My FIL asked me what I did to "make him cheat on me". He is by the way the youth minister in a very large and prosperous church in town. Ex and I had been married for 20 year and dated for 5. I thought I new my in laws and needless to say was devastated by their reaction or rather lack of reaction regarding what ex had done. What even surprised me more was their lack of concern for their grandchildren on how this would effect them.

[forward]

Trusting, Here are some random thoughts for you:

-Your X probably lied about you to them.
-He's still their kid. Chances are that they were ashamed and embarrassed but he's still their kid, you know?
-OW may have put on a glowy face to ensure that they were sucked in. But her glow has likely worn off. Given what you shared about your X and OW, that's a safe bet.
-Your X's lies may be more transparent now.
-Your X's MLC may be more transparent now. He's obviously not happy and you are out of the picture--so what's up with that?
-They may be wondering what they missed with all this, since X is STILL not happy and you clearly have nothing to do with it.
-You may be looking golden at this time.

I suggest a generic response!

[ottocat]

Trusting --

I was just reading about your in-laws --and the fact that they are supposedly strong Christians --even ministry staff with their church is crazy! Their reactions are horrible. NO REAL CHRISTIAN has that kind of response. Divorce is NOT acceptable to a serious Christian --and your in-laws should be doing everything possible to support you and your children and to be correcting their prodigal son. No ---there is something very wrong here. These folks are as fake as they can be ---and it sounds like the parental behaviors when your H was a child were far from what was needed or required for an emotionally healthy, mature man.

I am so sorry about all of this. But this is NOT too big for God. Sadly MLC will expose a lot of hypocrisy --not just within the prodigal spouse --but with other family members too. You and your family are in my prayers.

Blessings,

Ottocat

[TRUSTING]

While the ironic part of all of this is that MIL died last July in a motorcycle accident in Missouri. FIL was driving and was not paying attention and veared in the median. He was seriously injured but survived minus a spleen and 3/4 of his colon. The doctors did not expect him to live but he did. I will never know what MIL thinks of her step son now.

3 months after her death, FIL had a new girlfriend from church who moved in.

This is an example of very superficial christians and my ex now leads a very superficial life, going to church with OW and acting like a very religious couple

[forward]

Trusting,

Maybe X will actually learn something at church.

I guess I look at it this way: X was weak and I try to think of him that way as I work towards forgiveness. However, I would be dishonest and not fair to my own healing if I didn't admit that I do not wish them well.

As far as FIL w/new girlfriend....it seems that there are some real weak people you are dealing with here, with some dependency issues.

[faithisbelieving]

Blood is thicker than water. My ILs totally blamed her throughout..gave me papers to read re: her on adult ADD, bipolar, etc...complained that our kids never got a hot cooked meal...yada yada yada.

Now, I am public enemy number 1. Forget it. Move on. FIB

[ottocat]

Trusting --

Then this is what I thought to begin with. I am sorry about the death of you MIL --but for your FIL to "move in" with someone from church three months after her death --is something out of a crazy novel. Like one of the other posters commented --this is NOTHING but superficiality and in my opinion "values" other than Christianity. It is very, very sad.

It gives a clearer picture as to why your H is in MLC. A lot of family dysfunction going on here. And now your H is going down another "dead end street"!

So very sorry about all of this but still nothing that God can't deal with--

Ottocat

[cagzmom]

t- i envy one thing about your stitch.. YOUR STRENGTH

You have done so often what is best for you. And I just have watched you grow and get through this.

the label "Christian" is just that a label. I am from the midwest but live in teh south now and man oh man EVERYONE uses that term.. i believe even a Pastor can be pretty screwed up and not really deeply in RELATIONSHIP with Jesus.. AND THAT IS SAD.

I believe in the promises for hope for our future.
I believe in the promise that GOD has a plan for EACH ONE of us and that He will take what Satan would love to use to destroy us - to turn it into something GOOD for our lives.

I believe in reconciliation - and wow those that get it what a blessing.

I believe in BUILDING your OWN life no matter what happens - and in that we win.

It is so hard when we have suffered and hurt and cried so much .. and we think the ML'r hasn't suffered. At least not in the ways we wanted to "SEE".

We loved - and those who get that love are very lucky people.
We deserve to be loved - unconditionally and forever.

love you my friend
cagzmom

[TRUSTING]

Thanks everyone. The dysfunction did not really come out until the MLC hit. My inlaws did everything they could to cover up ex's shenanigans. They were more concerned about appearance then helping their son. It was actually quite sad to watch.

MIL would come over to the house and pick up my daughters and try to explain to them that "daddy is still a great guy". I was so concerned at all the mixed messages the whole situation was giving the children.

In laws could never look me in the eye after they knew what I was thinking. I had called them up shortly after ex moved out and told them I thought they lived very hypocrital lives. There only answer to that accusation was that "god forgives anything they do". It was such an eye opener for me. I realized then and there that I had to do my best to protect the children from their behaviors.

Now that MIL is gone, I don't have too much to worry about in that area anymore. FIL is in his own little world and more concerned about who his companion is rather than how the family is doing. The kids have maybe seen him 3 times since MIL's death. He like ex is full of the "poor me" attitude.