I'm perfectly willing to take STBXMRSSP's word for it -- it was a mistake, right from the get-go. Okee-dokee. Checked that box. Lesson's been learned. Got me some Themselves who I wouldn't trade for the world out of it. So tie it off, cut it out, pack it with QuickClot, and drive on.
Why am I so arrogantly confident, oldtimer, that she holds no key to my heart and that I'm not Not-Done?
Because when I hear from her -- and, since she returned to Coastal City a whopping 24 hours ago, I can say with confidence that I haven't had more than, oh, a dozen e-mails and a half-dozen demands from her (and all of them in that irritating post-coital tone of hers) -- I hear a Stranger, and a Stranger I instinctively know is someone I wouldn't like.
A Not Good Person.
D7 is so agitated that she's started sleepwalking; S10 doesn't "know what the point of living is" in the wake of what his mother has done.
That is her gift to the family, for the sake of a couple nights' sweaty thrills with a man she no longer speaks to.
That is who she is. She is No Good At All. And frankly I'm starting to think she actually saved my life with this whole D thing.
Well given the latest update I would say you are definitely on the winning end, not that we didn't already know that! Better off, party of one....
However sounds like your kids are being traumatized by this, for lack of a better word being conjured by my brain at 1 a.m. ...
Action plan for son who doesn't know why he should live?? I know kids can be melodramatic but as a teacher I follow a lot of the news on kids who wind up taking their lives deliberately or accidentally (an 11 yr old in a town 90 miles from here accidentally died playing the 'choking game' on himself last week) because they feel there is no benefit to being alive...
D7 is so agitated that she's started sleepwalking; S10 doesn't "know what the point of living is" in the wake of what his mother has done.
I know you know this, SP; perhaps you're doing it already. But if not, counseling is called for here. Don't send them. Bring them. The three of you together for family counseling. I did this shortly after D#1 (sigh) with my two boys, 13 and 15 at the time. It was invaluable.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
You're the dad. You love your children beyond comprehension. Your kids know how to love through you. You are their heart, their anchor, their safe place. Their mom's actions reek of abandonment. And you're left holding the cards. And it's no longer time to "protect the mother image".
Actions bring their own consequences. Her actions dramatically affect your children. You're at the pulse point.
What is the best thing for your kids?
I struggled through my childhood because of the actions of my father. As a child I regularly choked myself with my jump rope, would leap off high places, pick fights with guys much bigger and stronger than me. As an adolescent I'd stretch out in the middle of the road, hoping to be run over. My mom saved me from climbing out a window (with a three story drop) when I was having a living dream. Apparently I'd been calling out, struggling to open the window and storm window. My mother got in just in time to pull me back from plummeting out. I don't remember a thing, but it traumatized her.
The difference is.. you're right there. You know the right thing to do for your children. How to keep them safe, the correct tools to use, when to bring in professionals, how to address it and support them through this process.
The safe, loving parent, the dad. And being a Dad is more than enough because you and your kids are blessed to have each other.
Here's a question for the assembled singletudes - what sort of GAL things are you doing, post-D?
I still pursue the ones I started after recovering from the initial post-Bomb shock, but they're of a somewhat solitary nature - tennis, for example, is 1 on 1 generally. I don't have the financial wherewithal to join a tennis or golf or country club; I sort of live in the 'burbs, so there's no corner tavern to be Regular at; and of course I have Themselves 6 days out of 10. So I'm open to suggestions. My goal is to be more embedded in the community and to have fun. What do you(se) do?
I became active in my church and attended Bible studies, church services, choir, prayer group, small groups. I was like a little mini-Jesus for a while, at church more than He was! I often took Yoga classes, dance classes (Latin Line Dance, no partner needed), cooking classes and stuff like that at the community centre. Part of my problem was I got way too active trying to build myself a new life and while adjusting to being newly single I may have burnt myself out! I was determined to re-build and was on a mission, now I've learned to mellow out a little and allow for down time...at least that's what I tell myself! Some people on the BB and in my non-BB life have tried Meetup.com, they have tons of groups for people who want to get together and they are based on an interest rather than just a bunch of people getting together trying to figure out what to say to each other. It might be worth a shot...and don't forget the ultimate male challenge, Ballroom dance lessons...remember what doesn't kill you will make you stronger!
Part of my problem was I got way too active trying to build myself a new life and while adjusting to being newly single I may have burnt myself out! I was determined to re-build and was on a mission, now I've learned to mellow out a little and allow for down time...at least that's what I tell myself!
I followed a similar path. I joined a very large evangelical church and then did their divorce rebuilding classes. I started a second job that took up a lot of the weekends. The money was good. I was out of town, busy, and not feeling sorry for myself. In the winter, though, without the weekend gig I kind of became Jim Carry in "The Yes Man" accepting every invitation, going out whenever there was something going on.
That really put me in a financial bind so I'm looking for more "less expensive" things to do. Today, I just went bikeriding and I'm going to a "game night" tonight through a Meetup.com group. I'm nervous about it. I'm an extrovert and outgoing, but just driving to a house where I won't know anyone is a little weird.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Okay, yeah, now we're gettin' somewherez -- that's what I'm talking 'bout. Good tip on the Meetup.com, thanks for that.
(Church 'n' bible study....mmmmmmmm, not so much, what with me being the Grand Poobah and Head Mo-Fo In Charge of the Fraternal Order of Heathen and all.)
Well, not to get preachy or anything, but I used to feel just as you do! Yet when my M went down the tube and at the same time my Dad came down with cancer, I had some hard thinking to do about life. Just like that I was about to lose two of the most important parts of my life. I realized that everything here today is just that here today, tomorrow it can all be taken away from us from an accident, a betrayal, an illness etc. I needed more than my intellectual arrogance to get me through life. I decided to actually check out church again, to put aside my little scorecard on Jesus and his followers and actually experience some spirituality. What I found was a place that talked about love and forgiveness, it wasn't the den of homo-haters and two faced hypocrites I thought I'd find. I used to believe that I nor anyone else needed some book written thousands of years ago to tell us what is right or wrong, we're beyond that. Uh uh, I've seen the damage that people do to each other and then twist it into somehow the "right thing" and now recognize we're just as naive and self serving as ever. The struggles people in the bible have are the same ones we struggle with today. And really look at them, Jesus was Lord of the Losers...that's my kind of crowd. So, if all I have to do is love my brother and try to lead a life that respects God and his goodness, then that's a jackpot to me...but that's my view, take it for what it's worth. How many Air Miles to Heaven did I just earn?
I often took Yoga classes, dance classes (Latin Line Dance, no partner needed), cooking classes and stuff like that at the community centre. Part of my problem was I got way too active trying to build myself a new life and while adjusting to being newly single I may have burnt myself out! I was determined to re-build and was on a mission, now I've learned to mellow out a little and allow for down time...at least that's what I tell myself! Some people on the BB and in my non-BB life have tried Meetup.com, they have tons of groups for people who want to get together and they are based on an interest rather than just a bunch of people getting together trying to figure out what to say to each other. It might be worth a shot...and don't forget the ultimate male challenge, Ballroom dance lessons...remember what doesn't kill you will make you stronger!