Help me out with something folks. I am getting the gospel over here in MLC about detaching and how to do that. I guess may question relates to communication with W while she is still in A. I have been I guess what they call dim (I don't know is this right?) by limiting my communication with W. It has been a week now since I initiated any contact. And when I do it is innocuous stuff like how are you? Hope you are having a good day. IOW stuff that doesn't cost me anything emotionally as I attach no expectation or meaning to it. Just here working on me.
I read these other posts and people are going DARK and no contact and it seems to me that you should do that only if you need the boundary. If W was manipulating me and trying to draw me back in and it was upsetting my growth goals or making me get my hopes up etc. Then BAM! you gotta shut the door until you can handle it better. So NC is a boundary and a step in your recovery and healing.
On the surface it seems to do this is communicating weakness and anger. It's like oh your ignoring me because I kicked you in the nuts. And she'd be right. It's like it's meant to be punishment. Or it's you can't handle not pursuing, no R talk, or detaching without it. Either way I see it as a weak stance to take.
Or the worst one is you are using it as a strategy and you attach some expectation to it like if I do this she'll come back and you focus on that rather than your growth.
I was over on another thread (in Newcomers or Infidelity) and was sharing my creed and got slammed. Now the sitch in question the person probably needs the boundary.
So it's a question dim or dark? What are your thoughts?
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Grit- I would go dark..you haven't done that yet. The dim hasn't appeared to be working. I know she has PTSD and abandonment issues...but I think you have been her crutch. You are like spare change to her..always there. See if she will call your bluff.
You don't have any children, so there is no absolute need to be in contact. Each time you send what you think is an inane text; it transmits to her that you are still waiting and available so she can take her time to do whatever she wants to do. She knows that you are on the backburner waiting for her. You're allowing her to cake-eat.
You want her to experience life without Grit and each time you send a text; she's knows that Grit is waiting. Where's her incentive to come back? She can take her time right now...cause you're still there waiting...
Now that's your prerogative, obviously. You can still wait; I just don't think that you have to make it obvious by continuing to contact her. Even with PTSD and, possibly, a PD; she still knows right from wrong.
I am not wearing my wedding ring and haven't since I left. I think I feel that my old M is dead and unless we start a new one then there is no hurry to put it back on. I hadn't really thought about it. Thoughts?
Lola and MC I have to contact her this week I need to go over and get some stuff in the garage related to my business. I texted Happy Easter yesterday and got a response back and forth with a little convo. But it had been a week and she did initiate contact. I think it might be time for pulling completely away. I know she is still crisis so she's not thinking clearly anyway but she can do that without Grit.
My question now is what's the right way to say I don't want contact. I think soemtimes its done wrong and communicates vindictiveness and weakness.
Maybe I say we have been living in limbo for almost two months, I have been patient as I said I would be. You know I am committed to putting our M back together and have been working toward that goal. I think you have continued to choose a life away from our M and I have come to understand that is what I can expect from you right now. The time for me to stand by and wait for you to make better choices is over. I want to be married. I want to have a family. I desire to be with someone who wants these things and makes them a priority in their life.
I will initiate no further communication with you. I want no communcation from you unless you have decided to give up this A, all contact with this man and commit to our marriage.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
You know I am committed to putting our M back together and have been working toward that goal.
Saving the marriage is YOUR goal.....is it hers?
Quote:
I think you have continued to choose a life away from our M and I have come to understand that is what I can expect from you right now.
Do you really believe that you understand her?
Quote:
The time for me to stand by and wait for you to make better choices is over. I want to be married. I want to have a family. I desire to be with someone who wants these things and makes them a priority in their life.
A lot of "I" talk and while not overly controlling or vindictive....you are projecting your "wants" onto your wife.
That all said.....I like that you are going dark and ceasing communication. I do agree that she is using both you and her mom as her crutches....and that needs to end. Since you are only in control of yourself...ending communication with her is a good step.
So just stop talking with her....no need to inform her of that. Just stop....and if in a week or two she tries to contact you...then give your reasons for the end of the communication.
Think about it from both sides....The way you detailed above says "I want, I want, I want before we communicate".....if you just go dark and stop communicating and she contacts you, well than you can deliver the same boundaries differently. This time it can be delivered "If you want to communicate with me, then x, y, and Z must happen."
The differences are subtle....but different none the less. You aren't projecting your wants onto her...you are making the solutions to her wants her decision.
Grit- I would not even communicate to her that you are going dark. I would just go dark. It will make her wonder what is going on and perhaps start pursuing a bit. I think you should hold your cards close to your chest. She knows that you have been waiting and knows that you want your M. By stating this again isn't going to spark a different reaction. IMO
..also..I am not wearing my wedding ring unless at work or out with work people. I have been calling it my decoy ring..it no longer symbolizes anything. I have seen H wearing it and not wearing it..more oftenly not...but he was never a person to wear it all the time to begin with.
Man I had a long day! just got home a half hour ago. Lost your questions as always are thought provoking. I do not know for sure that her goal is to save our M. It would seem it is way down the list if she continues this A. I think her goals are so basic right now-whatever takes the pain away. OM is easy. No work there just fun and she doesn't have to let him know about all the stuff I know ...fantasy land.
Soooo.... no I don't think I understand her. Her choices.
I think all this is just a little bit of realizing that with all my patience I feel I can't abide by the continued A. I feel that- yes -there is cake eating going on.
Lost I like that you pointed out the subtly in this. I didn't think of that way. I always want to control the situation and therefore wanted to communicate my new control. But as you pointed out that is projecting (to a degree) my own wants and forcing behavior. Everything that needs to be said to her about me standing for M, my patience, my integrity, my courage, my stance about A...
HAS BEEN SAID.
You're right nothing more needs to be communicated I need to live my goals. Live my promises to myself.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
