W has PTSD and in MLC

[crushednstuck]

The squirrel keeps shi**ing in my hand. It's interesting to read someone so insightful on other relationships can ignore and devastate her own.
I realize I am new to this detachment thing because I want to say I have something to land in OM's soft spot.

[Truegritter]

Hey buddy! Glad your here.

MLC'ers do that as you will learn. They have moments of clarity then boop! back in the tunnel. Squirrel or Prairie Dog!

Lola wants to hit her H in the head with one of the nuts!

[Truegritter]

[quote]
TG- I am not suggesting you ask your W if she has given up the A or if the A is over. I don't know what the right approach is. But at some point it appears to become cake eating..and you the enabler by just letting her eat her cake. I know A's typically fizzle out..and I know that you are working on yourself through this process..but does she know that you don't approve of her A and that you will not accept it?

I know it's a fine line. What they call the razor's edge on the MLC board. I don't think it's cake eating if you're not attached. I don't get caught up in the drama. I am not trying to fix or enable. I can force this but like Lost said to me It's like a dog they stop listen and then ...there off. Until she decides on her own, there's nothing really to talk about.

She definitely knows I don't approve.

[Lostforwords]

She definitely knows I don't approve.

That is really all that needs to be conversed about the affair. She knows he doesn't approve....nothing more. Let's face the reality....if a spouse is already having an affair, what are the chances they will give a rats a$$ about a boundary enforcement to stop it?

Let's look at it from stage that the affair has just ended. I think there is one of three probably developments from that.

1-The spouse moves on to the next affair. Obviously still in MLC and their personal issues haven't been addressed. Causes of this may include LBS intervention, another spouse intervention, or just the relationship went south. In any case....the MLC person has not gotten to the point for self review. Until that happens it could move to affairs 2,3, 4, or whatever or worse yet...a divorce, quick remarriage, and a reenactment of the process again.

2-The spouse withdrawals, goes through their own pain cycle, and completes self review. This will eventually happen.....the deal for the LBS is to wait until it happens which is all in the hands of the LBS. This is USUALLY seen with a relationship ending on it's own...sometimes boundaries speed it along, but more than likely not. Issues are addressed and not buried.

3-The spouse just comes home....sounds sweet doesn't it? The LBS made a stand that forces the WAS to return...Oh my, what power the LBS has. The problem that makes this one actually the worst option.....no one has addressed their issues. Problems in the marriage prior to the affair are rarely addressed. So here returns the WAS spouse.....how do we see that happening a majority of the time? Go to newcomers and read some of the longer boundary enforcement posters......it is amazing that they keep reliving the same scenario over and over.

What we need to do is detach, accept the marriage of OLD is dead, and deal with our part of it's demise. If the marriage is really meant to be, the WAS will return. If not, then we have dealt with our issues and don't carry them forward. In either option.....what is happening with the WAS's affair should have no impact on our development. So in that light....it doesn't matter what is going on. If the affair ends....what matters is how the MLC'er moves through their tunnel.

[Truegritter]

Lost, as always...thanks for the clarity.

[Cadet]

Go to newcomers and read some of the longer boundary enforcement posters......it is amazing that they keep reliving the same scenario over and over.

So the major difference between newcomers and MLC

So in that light....it doesn't matter what is going on. If the affair ends....what matters is how the MLC'er moves through their tunnel.

I like this explanation.

[lolawar]

Grit- any contact with W? good or bad? How are you doing with the NC?

[Truegritter]

I had to send some information over that came to my email re her website expiring. I was strictly business. She responded and asked how I was doing. Said fine one word answer. She emailed me yesterday a.m. blab blah took care of the website then about some shooting that happened near our house, she had a dream with our dog in it...may go home with her mom when she leaves (moms been living there since Jan)

I didn't respond. I am just going to keep pushing this out. Not to play games but I am not going to act like her best friend either. I wasn't really ready for that when I first started. I looked back at my communication history with her. I met her on Jan. 31 to deliver my side of the divorce papers.

I registered here Feb 27. So I've been trying to DB for a month. At first I didn't want to communicate abandonment but as this thing goes on I am not going to remain in that mode. Even though I have little emotion tied to our communications i also believe that if it's easy for her she will not feel the sting. It also feels natural for my healing process to continue to move toward full detachment.

I read something interesting: people attract mirrors of their own emotional health. The OM in my case fits the bill.

I went to IC yesterday and she said I have made a great amount of progress in a short period of time! I know I feel better. I still get overwelmed with stressful thoughts. She said that my W is down the scale of a 3 or 4 on growth and I am rising so if I were with her now it likely would be difficult for us. She's got to come up to my growth level. I think that's an interesting perspective and also what we talk about here.

I have begun the very difficult task of looking in the mirror. There are some things I have to change. I am going to journal them here when I am ready...

[lolawar]

So what is the status of the divorce papers? Where does W's mother live? in state?

I am glad to hear that IC is going so well for you and that you are making progress in a short period of time. Have you tried the tough love/dark route with her for an extended period of time? I agree with you about not being her best friend. I wish I had better advice to give you Grit..being lost myself..I can only be here to listen. You and I started DBing around the same time so I have no idea what works or doesn't work..but I do know that I have gotten better results with keeping as distant as possible..which hasn't been easy but it makes ME feel better. I am listening when you are ready to journal.

[Truegritter]

Her mom lives in another state. I was proposing an uncontested divorce(no lawyers) so was going to file myself and she had to fill out papers too. so that's what I presented to her 2 months ago. Then I found DB.

It's delicate in her state I think. I can't be perceived as angry or resentful with my detachment. I promised to be patient and give her space. I think that tapering off the frequency is the best way to go for ME. I have said before she is not manipulative and she hasn't really tried to deflect the A. When I have asked she told me straight up. I have not been manipulative either becauseI don't believe that will get me anywhere if I'm not living what I'm doing i.e. doing it as a means to an end. So if I'm going completely dark it's because I can't take the pain (which right now I would say the communication costs me little where it is) or I am moving on...