@Coach and @Gypsy - I know I can't make her do anything. I just find it mystifying - honestly, I just don't get it. Plus I know how it's going to impact the 2 kids. They already complain about being 2nd-class citizens to her (not that they use that term, but they have the concept down). And yes - her choice and choices have consequences. I just hate that there's so much collateral damage.
A colleague asked me if STBX has a substance-abuse problem today. I'd never thought of thinking that. But a fella he knew with a Wayward Walkaway Wife who cycled the same way STBX does later discovered that his Former was a raging, but closeted, alcoholic. Hmmm.
I mean, it gets bad around these travel times of hers.
I had to kick her a** a couple times in the past 48. First, even in the wake of the 7 insane phone calls, she launched her usual e-mail fleet -- complaining this time, if you can credit it, for my "total unwillingness to communicate."
Button, consider yourself pushed. So I wrote:
You complain that I'm "non-communicative" and that "all of this" could be "taken care of so easily just by talking" instead of my "stupid" insistence on using e-mail. You might be correct -- at some future date.
I can assure you, however, that will not happen, ever, until the personal attacks stop -- and stop completely. Not some of them -- all of them.
You try to dismiss this as just "letting off steam" -- "haven't you ever said things when you're angry?" you asked. Yes; yes, indeed I have, but I work -- and work hard -- at getting the upper hand on that every single day. Forgive my saying so, but from my POV you don't appear to work on it at all.
You have contempt for me -- I get it. You've said so on a number of occasions, and I've heard you. But keep your contempt to yourself.
What the constant jabs and insults and attacks accomplish is to so completely poison the interaction that the likelihood I will ever want to interact with you on any level in the future is approaching zero.
But if you actually do want to interact with me on some level in the physical, as opposed to the electronic, world then you should be absolutely clear on this point:
That will not happen, and it will not happen on your terms, as long as your terms are that you continue to lash out at me at will.
A psychologist named Schnarch wrote something I've taken as a little Life Rule: You don't have to believe anything until you experience it.
Those are my terms. When and if I have experienced your sincere desire to interact in a more human -- and more humane -- way, I'll believe it. Until then I will continue to believe what I have experienced -- that you regard me as little more than an enemy -- and I will communicate accordingly.
She whined in reply, "I don't see how you can ask me not to attack you when you're attacking me. I just think you can't get over the fact that I'm with lots of other men now and that I just love slutting around. Well no one tells me what to do -- I do what I want."
So after I did the Tex Avery spit-take again -- and re-read my note to be sure I hadn't accidentally written "I can't get over the fact that you're with lots of other men now and just love slutting around" -- I kicked a little more a** and a little harder. I really ought to get a tattoo that reads, "Born for Schadenfreude." I know I shouldn't have done, but f*ck it -- what's she going to do, divorce me?
Well I'm happy to apologize for creating the impression you were being attacked. I have nothing to attack you for.
Really, all I feel for you is pity. You're a cheater and a liar, and as you said so often, once a cheater, always a cheater. All of the men who you slut around with are going to know you're a cheater and a liar and so none of them will ever fully trust you.
At some point you'll want a relationship, and because you're a cheater and liar, you know better than anyone how easy it is to deceive someone who cares about you -- and so you will never be able to trust any man you're involved with, because you'll never be able to say with confidence that he isn't deceiving you. You've demonstrated just how easy it is to get away with it. So every relationship you ever have for the rest of your life is going to be under a cloud of distrust and uncertainty.
And I just find that pitiable. It really does suck to be you.
And how did she respond? She cycled right back into the manic, "polite," "positive" STBXMRSSP.
Well.. at least you know what she responds to: Rap her knuckles, she behaves... for a little bit.
And she really has boundary issues on personal information. I guess it's easier to focus on HER than the family, i.e., her children.
Y'all do love to fight. The former spouse sends me incredibly rude stuff. I'll either ignore it, discredit it using the divorce decree or address it if it's valid. It's a hard thing to do, because it does get me angry and my goat at times.
What stops me? Well one thing is knowing you only get dirty when fighting with someone who's slinging sh!t. And that being cruel and vindicative only makes me feel worse. That little rush isn't worth the spew that comes back or the acid in my stomach.
Next time try not responding to buttons being pushed. Because she's getting what she wants. A reaction from you. That she can still tweak you... hurt you... control you.
Yeah, I swear, Gypsy -- she's a 46-year-old adolescent. Apparently she also starts to behave when the Mouthpiece tells her lawyer "get your client on a leash or I'll go to court for a restraining order."
I was talking to the Mouthpiece yesterday, and I said how it mystified me that the person who WANTED OUT would be the one to go so far off the map. And the Mouthpiece smiled and said there's not a dam thing about D that makes sense -- and he's got plenty of Walkaway clients who do the same, whacked-out, nutty things as STBX.
Which floored me -- you mean, I'm out there, driving on the freeways every day surrounded by these people??? Talk about scary!
And yeah -- she can't keep her personal information to herself. But the best part is, if I make any reference to it ("don't forget to get the Girl Child a souvenir from Whereverville [when she's leaving on one of her frequent flier sexfests]") she'll get huffy: That's none of your business!
A colleague asked me if STBX has a substance-abuse problem today. I'd never thought of thinking that. But a fella he knew with a Wayward Walkaway Wife who cycled the same way STBX does later discovered that his Former was a raging, but closeted, alcoholic. Hmmm.
I've always felt, from reading all of your well-documented interactions with her, SP, that it's either substance abuse or some sort of mental health issue.
I've always felt, from reading all of your well-documented interactions with her, SP, that it's either substance abuse or some sort of mental health issue.
She just ain't right.
When the former spouse dropped the bomb, I was concerned he was in a pre-manic state, which he's experienced in the past. I asked if he considered it. He said no he was fine.
I later asked my lawyer if based on the former spouse's mental history if he could be evaluated before the process went any farther. Nope!
Doesn't matter if you're stable or unstable... divorce is a free for all... well, except emotionally and financially for the parties and families involved.
