No W never wanted D.I was pushing after A then found my way here. She still doesn't the last time I asked(about a month ago) But she is still in A as far as I know but I don't ask anymore.
I'm wondering how long I can wait this out if she continues this A it has been going on for 6 months or more.
It's showing me how really selfish this MLC stuff is.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
TG - MLCer's are super selfish. It's all about them.
How long you wait is up to you. You have to have the patience of a saint to wait out a MLC. True your W will not move forward in the tunnel until the A has ended, but she will still have a long way to go to complete her journey when OM is out of the picture.
Last time I mentioned it was after hopeful email I posted upthread p.3. She said she wanted to talk and we did a bit. I said I would love to talk more when you're ready to talk and you know what that means. Then it was nothing ...I have already told her that I am willing to work on our M whenever she is ready but OM has to be gone.
Not happened yet. So I can set deadlines and go crazy. Or I can work on myself and not attach emotion or expectation to anything. I have hope but I am not going to stay attached to try to force this sitch. It's too painful. I have made it a goal this week to go a week since I last texted with her which was Friday. Nothing special just have a good weekend and told her if she wanted to take dog for a visit she could.
I don't know. I am getting good at detaching but should I be doing more here? Good question Lola.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Because she doesn't initiate contact my gut tells me any efforts to push this along will be just another heartache for me. They say on here believe none of what you hear (i.e. email)and only 50% of what you see (action). I've seen no action. Just a few hopeful words.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
It's only been a month or so of DBing. She is still in crisis- no job, no income, losing her house, ... na na not my f&cking problem anymore...
Her mom just says "she got a lot on her plate" I felt like saying yeah she eats hers and mine too!
I am in a much better place right now. As I said I'm going on my own terms if I go and I think I'll know when that is.
Lola asked when last time I asked if A was over. Should I ask that question? I am afaid of the answer if she says no then what do I say? I want to say-have a nice life then!
I almost don't want to ask because it keeps me insulated from the drama. If she draws me back in with reconciliation talk before she's ready to deal with her sh#t...she knows not do that now ...she knows the answer.
As soon as you start being responsible to our marriage then I will too. Until then...
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I almost don't want to ask because it keeps me insulated from the drama.
And that's our key to survival and detachment. Ya know that they say A's are addictive and that NO CONTACT with the OP is the key to the withdrawal of the WAS from the A. If the WAS and the OP make contact; the clock starts over at 0:00 for withdrawal.
That's exactly how I view any contact with my W. It's like I'm addicted to her. Every time that we have contact it's like my detachment starts over. Unfortunately, I have to stay in contact because we have children; so my battle looms large for detachment. But each time, it gets easier as I spend time away from her; my fog lifts and I can see her for who she is.
We were at the ballpark where the kids were having practice on Saturday. She took a call from her sister, who is also divorcing her husband; and my W was talking so loud everyone in the ballpark was looking at her. Initially I was embarrassed and in our M I would have been. But then I heard her say,"Yeah, I ain't gettin' married again. next time, I'll just stay single and then I can up and leave without worrying about hurting someone's feelings." I mean, WTF???? So that's what I'm playing with. One of my IC's told me once that her emotional growth was stunted somewhere in her teenage years.
But then I heard her say,"Yeah, I ain't gettin' married again. next time, I'll just stay single and then I can up and leave without worrying about hurting someone's feelings."
How can someone downgrade their M to a high school relationship? Get over yourself!!!
My H asked me something awhile back that disturbed me..which was along the same line. He asked "Didn't you ever love an old high school boyfriend?"..I said of course. He said "do you love them now?" I said no. He responded "Sometimes relationships just end". My response was "Our M was not a high school relationship. Part of the commitment of M is to work on issues and keep the love alive and try to fall in love multiple times. It is not just giving back a varsity jacket and moving on." It is just such an immature way of thinking. Definitely a stunt in emotional growth.
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That's exactly how I view any contact with my W. It's like I'm addicted to her. Every time that we have contact it's like my detachment starts over.
I guess that is what makes it unhealthy right now. Is real, stable, non A love an addiction too?
TG- I am not suggesting you ask your W if she has given up the A or if the A is over. I don't know what the right approach is. But at some point it appears to become cake eating..and you the enabler by just letting her eat her cake. I know A's typically fizzle out..and I know that you are working on yourself through this process..but does she know that you don't approve of her A and that you will not accept it?
