Am I under-employed? Yes. In the sense that I could earn 10-15% more with my skillset in a different field. The court's offset, though, is that by moving to that field the children would have to be cared for every night by a sitter/nanny -- it is my "under-employment" that facilitates my picking them up, doing their projects, making their dinners, etc. The Mouthpiece's take is that the court won't sacrifice the kids' interests for a max 15% reduction in Herself's monthly check-writing. I could earn considerably more by leaving the area and surrendering custody, but of course that's not on from the court's POV. And then there's those dozens of e-mails from Herself over the years saying "whatever you do, don't take a better-paying job, because then the kids would be screwed."
Interesting Smiley. My W makes $12k more a year than me but has to work 60 hours a week to do it, including late nights, early mornings and Saturdays. My hope is that I'll get joint physical custody because my job is 37.5 hours a week, I can do it from home when the girls are sick or have days off and I can adjust my schedule to fit theirs.
My first mediation on the topic is coming up April 7.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Ah, bonuses. Big bone of contention. Ignoring it until The Mouthpiece has an answer.
Hey here's something funny. Not funny "ha-ha," but...funny.
She wigged out at me today, first on e-mail and then calling the house 7 times until I finally had to pick up rather than deal with the kids' asking why I was ignoring Mommy (caller i.d.).
I had the nerve. The audacity. The utter and complete lack of respect. The BALLS!
To what? To steal all her money? To spy on her with my surplus NSA Mega-Spy-Satellite system? To hire a P.I. to follow her?
No, friends -- worse. Far worse.
To plan something for myself on Mother's Day so the kids could spend it with........ their mother.
What an a**hole! What an unreliable inflexible piece of sh*t I am! Don't I know she has plans??!?? She bought a plane ticket?!? She's going Somewhere to meet Someone?!?
Who do I think I am thinking the kids will spend Mother's Day with their mother?!?!?
So I'd better change my plans or take them with me or she's just going to leave them with a babysitter for 3 days because there's NO WAY IN HELL she's taking her kids. On Mother's Day.
Which she missed nearly all of last year, because she was out of town and didn't get back until late.
And there was no Thanksgiving with her for them last year (out of town).
And she was on an overseas adventure for the Girl-Child's birthday this year.
And she didn't see them for Valentine's Day, because she was out of town.
And she's out of town for Easter.
And I'm the a**hole. Sheesh.
Oh and get this -- "this wouldn't have even happened, and I'd have my plans happy in my head, if it wasn't for your stupid demand that I put things in writing when I send custody calendars! You and your stupid e-mail! If it wasn't for e-mail we would probably have gotten back together last fall!"
I've never posted to you before and I'm not sure where you are in the process, but just an observation - be careful with all that righteous indignation. You don't want to end up like one of those sea-birds after the Exxon Valdez. Those reactions have a way of sticking with you and gumming up everything. And trust me, no new companion wants to get near you when you're covered in goo.
As hard as it is, especially in the face of batchit craziness, you have to find a way to move forward and concentrate on yourself and what you have control over. Learn how to shed it off your back. Otherwise you'll drown.
Good advice, lodo, thanks. Just to be clear, all that about nerve and audacity and being an inflexible a**hole and the like - that was all stuff SHE said - I mean, really, can you possibly wrap your head around this? She's gone apes*t at the idea of spending Mother's Day as a mother. Ho - lee - sh - it. Her mind has wandered off the map. She's gone and got herself a head full of bad wiring. I had to laugh a second ago because I suddenly remembered this thing she said - how dare I go and drop Mother's Day on her like this? Now I've been to one World's Fair, a picnic, and a rodeo, and this is about the karazeeeiest stuff I've ever seen.
SP, It's all her choice how she wants to spend Mother's Day. I understand it's not normal or what you want. Her choice, choices have costs let her own it. It's just a day on the calender, Mothers Day is celebrated on different days all around the world. Let your kids pick a alternative day if they want.
Cheers
ps Love the Major Kong quote.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Like my lawyer told me, "You have no control over how little time your spouse wants to spend with the children."
I am familiar with the wigging out. This guy is now more or less shunned by his children, a father in name only. Or a father of occasional 2 minute phone calls, holiday diner breakfasts with an occasional one thrown in.
Do not expect that what is important to you is important to her. Do not do her thinking for her.
Document her recreational travel time and how it coincidences with meaningful dates.
Keep track of everything.
She's nasty. The former spouse is nasty. And each feels justified by their behavior. Bullies, those who feel hidden shame, can be like that.
She and her lawyer respond to threats, being called into court. You are not a victim. Talk to your lawyer about strategies to deal with your adversary based on their experiences.
In the end, I receive 25% of his bonuses along with the basic alimony. Being underemployed, as you can show, is a reflection of how to parent your children as a family. The childcare would probably even out the increase in pay when all factors are taken into account. And the children lose, something in theory the courts have to see happen.
If venting as a funny guy helps you, keep doing it. But if it eats at your craw, learn to let it go. It's tough but eventually leads you on the road to health.
Only you can be the parent you want the children to have. No one else.
