W has PTSD and in MLC

[Truegritter]

Yes Jack I know. That's why I'm here and so now I recognize the behavior.

I am not living with W and don'y pay her anything. I have stopped my divorce proceedings since I decided to come here and work on myself. She is not threatening to file either. If she did with our sitch she could get some $ from the court most likely. Pretty much damn likely.

Also she was trying to wean herself off the meds and the therapy because she can't afford it. If we have a snowball's chance in hell she has to stay in therapy which she has been. I don't want money to be the issue she stops. So I did say I would pay her premium. I thought it was the right thing to do.

Is that enabling? Is that not detaching? Help me out here. If she's not taking the medicine her dr prescribes and not going to see her therapist but wants to but doesn't have the money and I am legally responsible to her for some kind of monetary settlement doesn't this just make sense in this sitch?

I appreciate all the guidance I get here and I try to dissect every move and conversation I have with her to make sure I'm following what I said I would do FOR ME.

[marriedCrazy]

Grit...that's a choice that you make for yourself.

In my sitch, since my W has always been on my health insurance and there's no additional cost to have her on it; I've never dropped her.

But I think was Jack was trying to tell you is that there is the rescuer mentality coming out in you. What happens next when she can't make her car payment? her rent? buy groceries? Will you buy all that for her as well? while she's with another man?

Besides the health insurance; the only other thing I pay for is car insurance. Other than that...the W has been on her own for 18 months.

[Lostforwords]

TG-

Usually I would agree with Jack.....but in your case the mental issues may be a little bit more severe than depression. The childhood issues she does have may in the end only be treatable by a professional....and not something she will be able to deal with on her own.

What you do need to look at is the "why" you are paying the premium. Which I feel you have done......but I would beware the rescuer.

[Truegritter]

Yes I get it. I need you guys to challenge me and I appreciate it. MC I agree I am not going to pay for anything else. I know OM is paying for her phone. Another rescuer! Hah!

BTW I didn't call her like she asked me to yesterday. And I got no communication from her.

God this sucks...everyday is a struggle to stop myself from thinking about her. I wake up in the middle of the night and stay awake for a couple of hours until finally falling back to sleep. Had a dream last night I was talking to her about OM woke up and almost threw up.

Thank you guys for being here.

[marriedCrazy]

Oh...and if you DO pay for her health insurance, how can you be sure that she is even going to therapy and taking her meds?

When my W left out in 2008...she said that she was the happiest that she had ever been and didn't need therapy or meds anymore..

If you're paying for it...get the EOBs.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Oh, he already said he would pay for it. So...that is a done deal.

I was just poitning out the 'enabler' isn't limited to the mom.
It is also a part of the 'fixer' mentality.

[Truegritter]

I haven't really shared the details of what I am doing here with my parents (I'm living with them right now) And the past few days have been especially hard trying to be detached. I see now how that is the only way to be healthy. Getting caught up in the emotions of being involved and all the hoping and wishing does drive you crazy. Anyway my Dad expressed concern tonight.

Told him what I was doing and that I am still committed to my marriage but the focus is me. He of course asked the million dollar question. "How long are you going do this?" I said until I know I don't need to any more. I know that this is a tremendous opportunity. I have been through one marriage and I don't want to leave another one and lick my wounds for years. I want to push through this thing to the other side where ever that leads me. W may be there too. But may be not. On the other side is a healthy, happy man.

It felt good to tell my father that with conviction- that I was commited to this process. He didn't understand it fully. Questioned if she loved me why the A. Why would I want someone who did that to me. I said it wasn't about me. It was about her dealing with her pain. Not sure he understood that either but he did understand that he was not going to change my mind about it.

Have been really challenged lately, being able to articulate this in words has pulled me out of a little ditch I was in.

Jack, wanted to say if I am honest with myself I was doing a little rescuing, I couldn't help it. I see it now.

I will do better.

[lolawar]

Grit..you cannot expect people to understand your sitch until they walk a mile in your shoes. Just have confidence in what you believe. You ultimately have to live with your decisions..not your parents or your friends. If things do not work out with your W...you will know when you have had enough. The important thing is to make sure that tomorrow YOU are in a better place than today...and the following day YOU are in a better place than the day before.
"When you have decided what you believe, what you feel must be done, have the courage to stand alone and be counted." (not sure who said this but I always liked it)

[Truegritter]

Thanks Lola. That hits it right on the head. My Dad again last night voiced concern and I looked him in the eye and said "I know that you love me and that you don't want to see me hurt. But you have to trust me on this. You have to trust this process, this journey I have decided to take and know that in the end I will make the best decision for myself and I will be a better man in the end."

I think the biggest virtues we have to carry with us through this process is courage, patience, and grace.

Today is a big day! I will report later ...

[Truegritter]

This is going to be long. I had a big day yesterday. I mentioned up thread my MIL is living with my W and has been for several months. I found out through W she has met OM and that really upset me and so after reading some other threads and borrowing some of the great wisdom I found there I decided to reach out to MIL and tell her how I felt. I met her yesterday in person. We talked for 1 1/2 hours. This is what we discussed.

Told her I was fighting for my marriage. W had told her nothing of this even though I've been doing this for a month not surprised.

Read her the letter W wrote me that I posted upthread. Said this is my W this is who she wants to be. But she isn't. Said she has not committed to our marriage one bit. Told her about drinking, drugs, carrying on relationships not friendly to our marriage, lifeboating (had to explain that)and now full blown affair. We dickered as to when affair started I assured I had evidence it began before I left and had been going on for some time. Clarified that EA is an infidelity too. She agreed finally.

She ranted a little about me leaving W twice. I explained that was the only consequence I could show W for her bad behvior. Silent agreement.

She ranted about me leaving W without $ for bills which MIL had to pay. Presented me with a list of bills totaling $1600. Told her I had given W money before and since I had left. W didn't tell her. Also said affair was going on at the time so my marriage was over and I didn't even know. I don't feel responsible for the bills. Told her as soon as W starts being responsible in the M I will resume my responsiblities in the M but not until. Told her I'm not interested in buying my marriage back.

I said it comes down to this. What makes a married person after hanging up with her husband who is on a business trip, hang up the phone and proceed to a club and drink until 5 a.m. and subsequently gets arrested? What goes through your head in that moment when you disregard everything you promised? No response.

I told her what was in th letter that I gave her that was sealed. In letter: Said I know you have met OM and shared his company. Said that it hurt me deeply to learn that. She said I don't blame you. She said it is not my house. I said you still have control over your presence with him. When you participate in this you enable it. You can leave the room. She said yes that's true. I said this man is a predator, not a romantic interest. He is attacking my marriage. He is taking advantage of a vulnerable marriage and a very emotionally unstable woman. I said any man that goes after another man's wife is lower than whale sh*t. She said I agree you should never interfere in a marriage. I said you can help me by not supporting this affair. I said I am your son in law and you are my MIL, don't disrespect me and don't disrespect my marrriage by interacting with this man. Silent agreement.

I don't think she had thought about it this way partly because W had been silent on the $ and my commitment to marriage post leaving.

Finally said you know where my heart is and you know my integrity. She said yes I do.

This was amazing for me to do. It helped me to get out some emotions, assert my integrity, and realize with great clarity that I will not live with bad behavior and non-commitment. I deserve better. I am worth so much more than what I have endured and until W comes to that conclusion then we do not have a marriage.

Told MIL that I will fight with all my courage for this M until she tells me she doesn't want it but I do not want my old marriage-that is dead. A new one, if any, will be a whole lot better for me.

Grit