Having been here for a year now, I have to say that the help, guidance and advice I received from everyone helped give me perspective.
I think that perspective is especially helpful when you find your life spun around by a spouse going through a major transition (MLC/WAS-whatever you want to call it) and you are in the thick of it. To understand that you are truly not insane as you might think because of your spouse's rewriting history...To be given guidance to put your energy and effort where it helps the most(in yourself).. all kinds of golden lessons were shared with me along the way!
I can see how frustrating it is to offer these lessons/perspectives and watch a newcomer flounder and really miss the lesson.
I think it is extremely helpful to hear others' stories, to find similarities (((DM, TF))), and watch our stories unfold in the directions they will. To support and care for strangers here(who become friends of sorts) helps keep us on track, becoming the people we were meant to be...
No story is exactly the same.
I truly admire the people here who have made it through this stage of their journey, with whatever outcome they had, and take the time to help others. I thank all of you.
It is absolutely critical to do some work on your own and not rely solely on this board to get you through.
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
Not that my opinion is needed or wanted on this thread but it just wouldn't be me if I kept quiet would it Jack????
I have been away for a while, plan on staying that way for the most part.
I wonder why it is that we try and focus people on getting a life and making changes that are permanent around here?
Then we wonder why they fly the nest and aren't around anymore. I used to wonder..... Then I realized that sometimes it is because they become healthy.
Not everyone disappears because they failed, most do so because they have succeeded. In fact sometimes I am amazed at how many folks find the ability to move on and then how many get stuck....
How much time this sight has the ability to take away from our lives is incredible. For a time we need it, then there comes a time when we shouldnt anymore....IMO
Not to scrutinize here Jack, but how much time do you spend still doing this? Between this and your gaming I don't know how the hell you get anything else done....
It's great to have experience around to support those beginning their journeys here, but there is a huge difference between being supportive and being addicted to the "high" of posting to people. Thats what God created a Psych degree for.
Personally I took a look at how much time I spent on here and came to a huge realization that it was time being taken away from my kids, my family, my schoolwork, my job, and my ability to work on new relationships. I finally asked myself the question that needed to be asked... If my boss, my kids, my girlfriend, or my friends knew how much time I spent on it would they approve.... Nope....
Even Divorce Busting has to fit into a realistic schedule at some point.
Don't get me wrong.. if someone said to me that a new poster could use my input I would make the time to try and offer some help, I just wouldnt be looking for it on my own....
So in my opinion Jack, sometimes it hurts for us to be around, but not just other posters, our families, our work, and ourselves.
This is NOT a flame, but only my thoughts; take it or leave it.
***note***The questions I ask within this post require NO answers, they are for thinking purposes only, and intended to make people think about what they say BEFORE they say it. I'm just as guilty as most for sometimes not thinking before I speak, I make NO excuses for what I say, I simply take responsibility for it when called on it, apologize and make amends if they can be made, going on. I am NOT responsible for any misunderstanding that comes about because people are either twisting up what I've said or deliberately ignoring the advice I give. That is NOT my problem, and I will NOT make it mine.
If the joke about diapers, baby bottles and baby food offended ANYONE; it was NOT meant to do so; and I do apologize. I was relating in a hilarious way to Jack's post about feeding and burping people on advice, and that is how I took the statement; and I do believe I am NOT the only one who did take it that way. And to say I might actually feel this way was WAY OUT OF LINE, as I DO NOT. That is twisted thinking presuming you know how I think, when you DON'T.
Take some healthy advice from one who knows: Don't ever say things and not expect the person it's said to not to say anything about it, and be prepared to hear something you do NOT like. Each person is entitled to their opinions, sure, and I can live with that, can you?
If you get mad at anything I've written here, well, sometimes you have to get mad in order to heal the problem within YOU. You gotta get glad in the same britches you got mad in, eventually, and that's a fact.
I make my own mistakes, and will admit to those mistakes, not anyone else's. That said, I have NO interest in the feuding that must have been going on since BEFORE I got here. But, somehow, I seem to have gotten dragged into it; I don't know what the intentions were/are...if it was meant to "railroad" me off this board; you will NOT get your wish.
I will leave when I'm good and ready to do so; I've done NOTHING to anyone that I can see that would even be remotely wrong. I may have stuck my foot in my mouth a few times, committed a "tongue in cheek"..but nothing that would warrant the type of behavior I've seen out of a few of you. I'm just here, and an unwelcome guest, is that it? Do you feel "threatened" by me? Am I getting warm, or even hot with that question? You shouldn't be, as my intentions are pure, always have been. I'm here for my own reasons, not to upset the status quo here, or even to "take over" and steal the show from anyone.
You actually ought to be GLAD someone is willing to come back to help for awhile instead of being jealous of the attention they get. I didn't ask for people to start "grabbing" onto me when I arrived, they just did...and they shouldn't be afraid to ask any one of us for help if they need it. But they are, because of people's "jealousy" for the spotlight, and I think that's downright disgusting.
In case any of YOU don't "get it", you represent certain things to the newbies and others who come in search of help...you represent "help" "hope" "love" and a sense they are NOT alone in their struggle with this. It's time all of you remembered this and many other things instead of sniping about who is asked for help....this is STUPID!
What follows is a generalized post, not directed at any one person; but if it hits you wrong or otherwise, you know who you are.
You can say whatever you want about me, you cannot hurt me personally. I don't have to live with you, associate with you, nor do I have to do anything I don't want to do.
Whatever you say from here on out, though, is a reflection on YOU, not me.
I've read every post here on this thread. I don't anger so easily any more..that was a change I welcomed when I finished my own growing process.
I am what I am and have become over the years. What's been said to me and about me, on this thread is nothing in the scope of a bigger picture. In ten years, or less, it won't matter, anyway..most of you will have gone on to better things, and better lives.
It is all too easy to attack someone you cannot see, that cannot get to you, if that poster was of a mind to, and all too easy to forget there is a PERSON behind the keyboard of each computer at ALL times with feelings, etc.
IF I reconsider my time here, it will be because of the ATTITUDE that is prevalent here; this doesn't seem like a good place to be right now; and I felt it when I came back this time. It's a totally DIFFERENT atmosphere than what it was since I was here before; and I DID almost leave not long after I got back here. I'm still here, though, and will stay on for awhile, regardless of what anyone here thinks.
Regarding the disagreement about "leading" and what I meant by that; OP was correct in his interpretation, FWIW.....
I MEANT what I said, when I spoke of someone always needing to be here to lead...but I didn't mean ONE person; I meant people whether's it ONE or MORE who've been there, done that, knew how to begin to assist/help new people begin to make their way.
Do you really think people can ALWAYS make it alone? Some need help finding a direction to start in. You may say you probaly didn't need help in the beginning, but I don't believe that for a minute.
I'm NOT a callous, unfeeling person, never was and never will be, and all I care about are the people here that are hurting; not those of you who have problems with ego, and really do need to grow up some more. And you know who you are.
One other thing that seems to be lacking is COMPASSION for others, especially the MLC'er. One piece of evidence I saw lay in a post about the MLC'er's appearance that has since been buried for lack of interest. And I can see why.
No matter how my husband looked during his MLC, it was NOT a subject for jokes, and to me that particular thread was in VERY bad taste. In my opinion, it was also VERY disrespectful, and the poster who objected to it had a right to. And that person got insulted and ridiculed, and belittled. What kind of example is that to set? We are judged by the kind of example we set for others, and I do bear that mind each day as I go through my life. You may think it's funny, but unless you've walked that path, you've NO idea what your spouse went through, and since perceptions are skewed during MLC, they had NO idea of how they looked; only that they looked "cool". Afterwards, it is a source of shame for them, something they would rather forget. What if the shoe was on the other foot? It's something to think about. I started to post this opinion on that thread, and changed my mind because the thread did NOT deserve any time to be seen again to intensify someone's hurt, wasn't helpful, and people, no matter what they do, do NOT deserve to be made fun of.
There is enough misery here without creating any more through unfeeling threads.
It seemed to be all right to put something like that up, as I did read who was laughing within the thread; but my response to Jack about "spoon feeding and burping people on advice" wasn't? I've apologized for that mistake at the beginning of this post, as insult to anyone was NOT my intention, but laughing at the MLC'er doesn't fall under the same heading? Why? Because they're different you think, because someone else posted that, and you agreed with it, but not with me and this entirely different situation? It could be looked at as the SAME thing, if you think about it.
I KNEW I would get flamed for it, and waited on the flame to appear, and it did.
Did it even occur to any of you that that very statement itself could have been or could be, construed as offensive, even if I hadn't posted ANY answer to it?
People do not want to be regarded this way; as being compared to children/babies in the giving of advice; there is such a thing as dignity and respect; and I could have posted a total objection the other way, and actually started to, but didn't. I already know if I had, someone would have disagreed, as it always seems to be a fight to prove me wrong; what's the problem with this picture?
I'm being blunt, straight and to the absolute point. This is ridiculous that it has to come to this.
For your information, it was ALWAYS my habit before NOT to read other people's answers before I posted my own. Not that I think mine are better, but it was for good reason. I learned this a long time ago..it is all a part of being an INDIVIDUAL. Reading another's answers before answering with your own view, can have the tendency to "color" your perception, instead of really looking within for your OWN INDIVIDUAL answer; which may something different, but no less important than another's. The differing viewpoints, are actually GOOD things, and can be sorted by the recipient for what one would need to deal with whatever aspect is being dealt with in MLC or whatever the problem.
Besides, I even said I DID read other people's answers AFTER I posted mine; just to see what others were saying.
I have NEVER expected ANYONE to "back me up", nor do I expect anyone to read my answers before posting their own...each person is DIFFERENT, get it? DIFFERENT, each situation is DIFFERENT, and no one's answer is TOTALLY EVER RIGHT..one may see something that another doesn't see. COLLABORATION is always a good thing...that's why I invited all of you onto the Q&A thread that I set up; I wasn't trying to shut ANY of you out.
You really don't know me; and I could care less what you think of me. Neither have any of you even BOTHERED to get to know me..some of you have harrassed me, presuming to tell me what to do and how to do it.....I've ignored it and taken the high road until now.
I seem to have stumbled onto someone's territory, people think they are being "threatened"; that's ALSO the feeling I've gotten.... but the last time I checked Michelle owns this board, not any of you.
I also remember seeing people come back in that were where I am now, when I was here before, and people flocked to ask them questions..I was a mentor by then, and didn't feel in the least threatened, I even had questions to ask, as these people were far beyond where I was. I wanted to know what it was like down the road from THEIR point of view.
I was grateful for any time I got from them, because I knew they did NOT have to even come back and stay for any length of time, they were done with this. This was a place I wanted to reach myself, and so I drew upon their wisdom.
I, like you "old timers" had done quite a bit of work, but there was SO much more to learn..or maybe my attitude was and is a lot different, and this is NOT an arrogant statement, it is who I am.
We can always stand to always learn from others who have been this way before, and went on to greater and better things.
And you know, it's a shame if you can't feel the way I did about people like me that have progressed beyond this time in their lives, and are willing to come back for a season to help. There were people as I remember, who reacted in the past the SAME way some of you have present-day toward these "Wise Ones".
And that was a shame in itself, because we could have learned a great deal, if minds and hearts would have stayed open. But they didn't..and these people left again after a very short period of time. That, to me, was the closeminded people's LOSS, and I see this in hindsight.
I have never minded being asked to look in upon a poster, I don't have ANY ego, or illusions about ME. I don't feel any "pressure" of any sort. It's a privilege to be able to use my experience to help others; I cannot help anyone until I have walked that same road, taken that same path. It was NEVER a burden or a "duty" it's something I just DO. No one has ANY reason to be "threatened" by me or anyone else who has experience to share.
I never said I had "all the answers" NO ONE DOES. I simply do the best I can to answer, and that I have always done. It has actually surprised me to have people even ask for my opinion, I'm not someone they know personally.
It is within me to help people..why is that such a bad thing here? Why is it that because I'm asked for help it seems to be "offensive" to you? I'm NOT like THAT. I've always welcomed ALL the help I could get, and never had a problem sharing things with others...I don't understand this attitude at all, and probably never will.
Anyone here on this thread who has a problem with me, will need to look within to see what the REAL problem might be..it's not with me, doesn't have anything to do with me; I'm just an easy target, because I'm HERE at the moment, and not elsewhere.
If it wasn't me, it would have been someone else. You may deny this, but you may also find with a little honest soul-searching, it's the TRUTH.
And I'm tired of continuing to overlook the problems here, and watching them get bigger by the day. Also, I see/feel the fear here, and there shouldn't be any at all. People are scared enough in their very lives; this place should be a "safe haven" for the hurting, and it's NOT.
Things need to CHANGE.
Jack,from the bottom of my heart, you actually did ME a favor by posting this opening thread, and though again, I made a mistake, sticking my foot in my mouth, LOL,....it helped to bring some things to a head, and I thank you for this opportunity.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
I wonder, if us ‘old wise’ ones aren’t hurting you guys. By doing just that.
Birds won’t fly unless they are pushed out of the nest.
Jack, this is something that I have been wondering and thinking about a lot lately as well.
This may be my last post having nothing to do with this thread but for personal reasons but I felt a need to respond.
If the mother bird pushes an egg out of the nest. What happens? The mother needs to hatch the egg, feed the baby take care of it and yes eventually push it out of the nest. You guys logic is not complete. Wise people, dumb people they all need to make their comments. Cat I did reread the post and I find nothing wrong with what HB wrote. Maybe I am at a different place in my life. I truly appreciate all the advice that everyone on this board has given me. You are all much younger than I am but that does not mean that I have not valued your advice. You have been through the battles of MLC and you all have unique perspectives.
I understand your need to try to pay back the advice you have been given. I respect that and agree that it is necessary.
Cat, Jack, BND, and all the people mentoring, You are wise and you need to rethink why you are here and what you need from this site. I disagree with HB that there was a problem here before and frankly I am surprised that there is a problem now.
You guys (collectively) saved someones life(really) in the last few days. That should make you feel really good. It makes me feel good. If you had not taken the steps you did, what do you think would have happened. You could have pushed her out of the nest but she wouldn't have flown.
I truly do think that everyone here will sort out this discussion. I hope I can sort out me and return to payback all you have given me.
I wrote the thread about the MLC'er and their appearance because there is some humor to be found in everything.
You say you have read every single post on this board, if so then you will remember the hell I went through with my Husband and our children.
Do not ever tell me that I haven't walked in your shoes or that I lack compassion. Please don't ever play the holier than thou card with me.
The God I worship and love held my hand tightly as I struggled to get through every single day of my Husband's MLC.
You did not raise 8 children by yourself while your Husband was 3000 miles away with his High School Sweetheart. You have no idea of the hell I endured and what I lived through.
You have made it clear that you have no idea as to any advice about young children and what they go through during their parent's crisis. I saw it first hand and had to learn how to get through every single day with 8 children grieving for their Daddy.
I am well aware of what goes through the MLC'ers head. I have seen and lived through all of the stages. I understand the torment and the agony of what they endure.
I also received the calls in the middle of the night with the suicide threats and the spew, which left me feeling totally helpless and scared for him.
I posted here several times a day seeking answers and finding a place of refuge. As the years went on I also found the ability to come along side some of the posters and offer what little advice I could give.
HB I do not need to live in the past and re-live every MLC moment. My life is full now and I am happier.My life is far from perfect but I have this totally amazing family and look forward now not backwards.
Never once have I had the feeling as if I had "arrived" just because my Husband came home again. I am no better then anyone else here, and it would be wrong of me to act as if I had all of the answers.
I do not find you a threat at all. I do however get curious when someone who has been away for so long suddenly comes back and starts posting long posts. To me it seems as though you need some type of affirmation and attention in your life that you aren't getting at home.
I prefer to stay in the background and have no desire to carry the responsibility of Queen Bee. If someone wants to get a hold of me they find me on Facebook.
As I posted, my Husband is well aware of this DB board and has read the archives and has seen what he and other MLC'ers have done to their family.
AND if he can laugh about himself and be thankful that he is no longer a part of that world, then I have no shame at all in starting that thread.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Could it just be that Jack, Bworl, HB, Mach, and I are just selfish?
In that by helping others we are helping ourselves?
BND- I thought your post was awesome and true....so if we can't laugh at our situation sometimes....what is the point? People are hurting....but the truth is the truth. No matter how funny it may be.....Now I need to go get my earring cleaned, maybe a new tattoo, and I am off to get my head shaved...oh god....I just realized. I am in MLC.....please help me JACK, BWORL, HB....LOL.
there are reasons why people come back and help and why they stay away and why they do both
now I remembered why i stay away
there are some great people on here and there are ones with screws loose
and
if everybody worried about getting their own damn life instead of everybody else's damn life
there might be a lot less people here and lot more happy families at home
and ian i have to agree
i used to be on here all the time it was my life line then I GOT my life you know the old GAL thing we talk about and i had less time
i pop back in to see what is shaking i check out the posts that people email me about
but dayum
some people I think get their validation from here their GAL good feelings
I guess whatever floats their boats
I try not to care about what everyone thinks about me and honestly I have my family My friends My faith
it's all good
the cat fights here are ridiculous the backstabbing cliques the gossip it is worse than the teachers lounge up in here
was it always this way and i didn't notice
who know
all i know is we all need to "get busy living or get busy dying"
some stuff, i believe, just me...little old humble me...could be better tackled on blogs or facebook or emails between friends...make a thread here I guess, but what is the point? Will anyone else relate?
keep files on people use private information you have on your "friends" to hurt them gossip diss other people so you feel big and important
it is up to you
once again a thread meant to help gets dragged down by a bunch of nonsense
remember...in the end, there is only one person you need to be accountable for your actions to...He knows the nature of your heart (even when you try to hide it from yourself)
and
NO I wasn't flaming anyone you all need to get that you aren't as important as all that
if you want to call someone out do it loud and proud say what you want to them not in some veiled off-handed remarks that you can claim innocence for later with your boinked out eyes and your "I didn't say that" attitude
I could care less if BND has a hate shrine to me in her house (if you do...I hope you have some good pictures ) or that Jack wants to kick my assets (froma ll the way in Alaska) or that some shmoe doesn't know my whole story whoopidity do da not that people don't matter but if I get my self worth based off of what a bunch of people who are hurting think of me then I better seek some intensive therapy like me don't like me I don't care I don't live my life for anyone else I LIKE ME My Family Likes Me that is what counts
people say shitte about people that isn't true all the time people say shitte about me that isn't true on here I cared once then I realized how deluded that was who the H*ll cares?
if people on here's opninions matter more than the person sleeping next to you or affect the person who looks back at you from the mirror then you have a lot more issues than a Divorce Busting website can fix if you read yourself in someone's words THEN LOOK AT YOURSELF
jayzus, mary, joseph and all the saints
what is this? Middle school?
(and now I caused myself to get all flustered because of what some ninnies in cyberspace up and did again)
I am taking my own advice the drama here is mental the ones who get the accolades are too busy getting accolades to live as an example the ones that come back to give an example get shat on the ones that are quietly giving examples without the hero worship get dragged through stuff
eye yi yi hasn't everyone gone through enough?
if you want to help...HELP if you are using other people's misery to feel better about your life...STOP if the only way you feel good is to spout off here...GET A HOBBY
Dayum... I am going to buy some shoes make some food kiss my family I am going to get busy living
(plus I am most likely banned...again...after that schpeel)
and...the names of BND and Jack and whoever else I used, I only used as examples...I really don't think BND thinks about me enough to hate me, much less build me a shrine, although I am flattered if you do and jack and I have a history...let the gaggles choke on that one, huh???...gossip is damaging to everyone involved...to anyone who has emailed me about a poster...I don't consider that gossip...that email to help and since only my real life honest to goodness friends email me...you know what is what fer sher...and Ian...ummmmmmmm where the hell are you anyway??? I call and call (well I have that phone phobia) but I do email...) Anyway...no one should care what the samhill I think of anyone but once again...if you read yourself in my words maybe you take a long hard look at yourself...or curse me out and go one an on about how I know diddly squat...whatever floats your boat )
I tried to add this as an edit but apparently I am long winded who knew :eyeroll:
) or that Jack wants to kick my assets (froma ll the way in Alaska) or that some shmoe doesn't know my whole story