W has PTSD and in MLC

[Truegritter]

I have been over in the NEWBIE section anf Lost For Words Suggested I bring my story over here.

I will repeat the backgound here:

The background for me is we have been married for 2.5 years together 4.5. This is the second marriage for both of us with no kids in either marriage. I am 44 she is 38. I left back in December after finding out she was having what I knew to be at least EA. Now is a PA and still going on. I am living 2 hours away with my parents. She is in the house.

I met W when she was about half done with her divorce. I had been divorced for about 6 years. There was a lot of baggage from her old marriage financially and emotionally.I Guess we had all the major stressors going on loss of job, divorce, money, and she went through a life threatening illness.

She didn't handle it well. She began drinking more ended up getting a DUI. While I was on a business trip she had gone out with a friend and got arrested for battery at a night club. I saw no improvement from her despite pleading with her to pull out of this nose dive. She was losing any sense of her identity. I was losing the woman I married and I responded with trying to control the sitch. Amidst all this chaos W informs me (not asks me) that her model friend is on the skids and losing her apt in LA and is coming to live with us. This girl is an alcoholic and abusing other substances but my W is the only place she can turn. It felt like this girl was her only connection to her former life which she was not willing to give up-the limelight, the attantion, the vanity. I was going nuts! My wife already had a problem with abusing alcohol and now I had an alcoholic living my house!

I was so angry at not being able to control all this crap. We had frequent and increasingly verbally abusive arguements then found all these texts on her phone from some guy and left about two weeks later. Dec. 09.

Since then I have been trying to heal. I don't want to be a party to another failed marriage and so I tried to do the hard work. She has a lot of anger still toward me and also is continuing the relationship with the OM.

I finally told her that I love her and I want to work on our marriage.

I am here to work on myself and wait.

Gritter

[Truegritter]

I forgot to mention. The PTSD is from childhood sexual abuse and she is under the care of Psychiatrist for this.

I am trying to manage this by following the advice of the posters that came up to help me from MLC. Very gratefull for the help. I sent this email to my W on 3/3/10.

I decided to take a different tact. A step toward no expectations for either of us. I wrote her this:

"This is all new territory for me and I am learning as I go so I hope you will be patient with me. I am trying to truly listen to you. Not only what you say but how you say it. We are both hurting I know. You sounded really purposeful today. I know I said I wasn't going to wait forever for you. I want to take that back. It's just that I miss you. I know you have to find YOU again.

I want you to know a few things that you can count on from me until then.

I love you.
I will wait for you.
I will listen
I will be happy
I will talk about anything you want to talk about
I will see you anytime you want to see me
I will bring [dog] to see you any time
I will excercise
I will work hard on my business
I will pray for me
I will pray for you
I will pray for us
I will fill my life with joy
I will miss not sharing my life with you
I will spend time with [dog]
I will heal my heart
I will be patient
I will have grace
I will have dignity
I will give you space
I will be ok
I will believe in you
I will trust you
I will commit to you
I will be peaceful

I WILL wait

for you.


This I promise you.

This is on your timing. All of it. I'll be the man loving you from a safe distance.

Let me know if you need anything. I'll be here."

She responded that it was an amazing note and that she is going through the toughest time in her life but that she needs to work on her.

I realize it was as much for me as for her because these are my marching orders. This is all stuff I will do. I felt a great release in saying it. I am not waiting for her to make a decision. She can engage me when SHE wants. No pressure. No expectation. I may need to set some boundaries but I will know when that needs to happen I think. Wheneverr I find myself focusing on some action or expectation from her.

[Lostforwords]

Welcome to the board TG.....Take your time and get to know the folks here. The each offer something special if you let them and listen.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

That's a big promise list Grit.

I realize it was as much for me as for her because these are my marching orders. This is all stuff I will do. I felt a great release in saying it. I am not waiting for her to make a decision. She can engage me when SHE wants. No pressure. No expectation. I may need to set some boundaries but I will know when that needs to happen I think. Wheneverr I find myself focusing on some action or expectation from her.

Man, I hope that is true. Cause that is an amazing attitude to have for just getting here. Yeah I know its been a month...you're just getting here.

[marriedCrazy]

found ya...

[Truegritter]

She sent me and email out of the blue over the weekend saying she was thinking about me and our dog. That hasn't happened in a long time.

I am trying to live the word. It is hard.

I came up with a response to people when they ask my situation. Now that I have begun GALing I am getting asked about my sitch. People want to set me up or introduce women etc. Are we divorcing? This is what I say:

"My wife was abducted by aliens, they aren't the good aliens like in Cacoon or Close Encounters of the Third Kind. These are bad aliens. I am just waiting for them to drop her back off."

It breaks the tension and it makes feel better to describe it that way. It is pretty much the truth. People don't understand my decision to do what I wrote up top anyway. People don't get it.

So I am very happy to have this place and you people.

Grit

[Truegritter]

Today should be interesting. I might see her. After the email over the weekend I told her I had to come to town for business (we are living about 100 miles apart)and I needed to come by the house and pick up some things. All true and legit. Told her to call me if that was ok. She called last night we didn't talk very long. She wants me to call her today.

I am going to tell her she doesn't need to be there when I come get the stuff but dog will be with me if she wants to visit with him. MIL is living with her (since Jan) and I think is still pissed at me. I know also that she has met OM and is condoning that R I think.

I like what I read in a thread if I have to ASK her to do something it's pursuing if I just do it. It's not. So I asked her if it was alright to come to the house to get my stuff. Just to let her know I was going to do that and so I didn't get shot while there (JK)

Will keep you posted ....

[marriedCrazy]

MIL is living with her (since Jan) and I think is still pissed at me. I know also that she has met OM and is condoning that R I think.

so what's MIL's track record in relationships?

[Truegritter]

Been married to W's F for over 45 years. So pretty good. Not quite sure why she is appearing not to raise hell about the A. A little puzzling to me. She is somewhat of an enabler doesn't get tough with bad behavior.

I didn't see W today she asked if she could see me and dog another day. I told she didn't have to be there but she said she would like to see us. I had a long and pleasant talk with her. She asked what I did over the weekend which was great cause I got to share my GALing and told her I went to a party.

She lost her job and so is on cobra and is having trouble making ends meet and keeping the sessions with dr. and meds so I told her I would pay the health insurance premium. She was VERY grateful. Trying to be more of a friend and I don't ask about OM but she knows there will be no moving foward on anything until that is over.

I feel like this detaching no pressure stuff is working for me and I see her reaching out more to me too. She asked me to call her later after we hung up today.

I don't think I'll do that.

Grit

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Mom's isn't the only enabler...

No offense.

I told her I would pay the health insurance premium.

There's nice.

And there is nice at cost to youself.