I get what you mean by "helping your case". Over time (in my case), I have found that what I thought would help bring us closer vs what actually did was not always what I expected.
I know, I already had many disappointments as well, but I keep at it. What else can we do accept to give up? I'm not ready for that.
Positive thinking....I can only do what I think is best at the time with the information I have at the time.
Right now I know that WH is being receptive to my friendsip is unhappy about how thinks are going with OW and that OW is undecided about what she wants. Just talked to her husband and he said that she is in a very bad state of mind. There is lot's of pressure on her from her large family, everyone is telling her that she is out of her mind to leave her husband of 20 years that she loves and her 2 children for a guy in MLC.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
For example he calls me and asks me if I would go shopping with him to Costco. He said,"It's hard to shop just for one, we could go together and then divide the big packages". I was hesitant and he said "You don't sound crazy about it, but It would be practical". It would be practical, we still operate from our joint bank account. So do I go or not???
Quote:
Pros: 1)According to DB being his friend is good.
2)I would enjoy shopping with him, he was never interested in going shopping (especially for food) while we were together.
3) He wants to do something with me
4) He actually called and asked me to go
Cons:
He might be just using me
I think that the benefits outweigh the risks. I think that I will go.
The choice is yours. But consider some things.
Your MLCer used the argument that shopping together would be practical. That is interesting since it is impractical to abandon your wife and child for someone who also believes the best thing is to abandon her husband and children. I am being serious here, not sarcastic. Adultery is not practical.
He wants you to help him out when it is in his favour, when it is practical to and for him.
Jack talked about the LBS having responsibility when there is cake-eating. That is true, but cake-eating is not always clear-cut. Be his friend, but there may come a time (and that may be now, or it may not) when that becomes cake-eating. It is a delicate balancing act. Due to the way he discussed it, I am concerned that his shopping request could be enabling.
True, MLCers often feel overwhelmed by life's burdens. But that does not mean it becomes your job to make everything easy for him.
Right now I know that WH is being receptive to my friendsip is unhappy about how thinks are going with OW and that OW is undecided about what she wants. Just talked to her husband and he said that she is in a very bad state of mind. There is lot's of pressure on her from her large family, everyone is telling her that she is out of her mind to leave her husband of 20 years that she loves and her 2 children for a guy in MLC.
This may do the trick of getting OW out of the picture; let things continue in that direction. I hope your husband doesn't know you're keeping tabs on the situation with OW. You'd be accused of "snooping" then, never mind you have a right to know what goes on in that area. Their thinking really boggles the mind, sometimes. Besides, OW is HIS problem, not yours..and he has to decide how he's going to handle it..or better yet, refer above..it may be decided FOR him.
Until she's gone, NO reconnections can be made; he will be unable to get her out of his head and heart.
Detach and distance from the situation the best you can, understanding he really didn't betray you, he's betrayed himself, and that's the worst kind of guilt anyone can face.
From what I'm reading, you're doing fine; taking each day as it comes, doing the best you can in such a bad situation. Keep reading the advice given, it's sound, and designed to help you.
I sent up a prayer for you and your family, Mila. Hold on the best way you can, everything will be all right no matter what happens.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Thank so much for your advice it sure makes me think about thinks more when I hear different opinions. I certainly see your point 1000ships. You are so right that when he asks me to go shopping with him, he asks because it would benefit HIM.
However I would do this for any of my other friends if they asked and since according to DB it's a good think to be his friend then I guess I could treat him as any other friend ???
I know that my other friends didn't betray me, if they did they would most likely stop being what I consider a friend.
Grrr this is so confusing, I just have to think of him as being ill.
I do have some boundries: for example
WH wanted to come and work on the garden (nice offer) and I already had plans to go out. So I said that to him and asked him if we can do it some another time. He said "It's OK I can go to the house and work while you are gone". I said NO, I want to be home when you are there. He got upset. I said that I'm sorry that he is upset but when he gives me the keys to his apartment to come and go as I please when he is not there then I will consider letting him come here like that. He actually said that he doesn't care that he would give me his key if I want. I did not respond.
I also refuse to speak with him (or text and email) when he leaves town to visit OW. I go totally dark. He is upset about it and I told him that I have no interest in communicating with him while he is in bed with her.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
