Going straight forward...antlers 6th thread.

[Dudess]

It did hurt my feelings that my neice still was 'friendly' with my W, especially since now she is trying to take the kids away from me. I communicated this to my neice.

I want my W to know that I still care, regardless of her projection that I didn't and don't!

Maybe what your W is saying, (in a sarcastic way) is that whatever you may feel for her, that your actions, which could be construed as not wanting niece to be in contact with her, are not loving actions. If you 'love' her, how could you try to drive a wedge between her and people important to her?

[antlers]

I agree with Bridge.

she's asking you (in a woman's way) to address


Originally Posted By: mrs. antlers
"you love me, huh? If that's how you love then I'd hate to see how you dislike. Wait...I already have."

Woman's way: Questions are statements, statements are questions.

She's testing you. "You love me, huh?" (statement- she knows it) "Wait I already have." (Question????? this is what she wants you to address. She wants to see/hear/feel you validate this love.)

How can you bridge the gap from her perception to your reality? Look at your sitch like you are watching from outside a fish bowl looking in on it.

I'll remember "questions are statements, statements are questions." Thanks.

Is she testing me, or just being sarcastic?

By communicating like I'm trying to do.

[antlers]

I think you need to address the neice issue in some say.

Do you know why your niece might say that you get mad at her for talking with your ex? Any truth to that?

I've been talking with my niece.

Yeah, I posted it earlier.

[antlers]

I adjusted some wording, but this is more for me to learn as well, so don't necessarily change what you have, based on what I put. You know your stbxw, family, and yourself..

"I can see and understand how you would think I never loved you. I hate it that you feel that way. Making assumptions can lead to a lot of misunderstandings and a lot of difficulties. I am sorry that I did that at times. I will do my best to not make assumptions about you. I know in my heart that I do love you and my family."

However, I do like what you have written, it is compassionate, validates how she feels or felt, doesn't offer to 'fix' anything of hers, nor blames yourself for everything that is wrong.

I feel communicating in this way may take some of her anger out by simply agreeing with what she is saying.

On the issue with your Niece, I still believe that you need to address that as well with her, but feel that could be separate, if you reply to your stbxw with what your doing with niece to 'fix' it, it could just be seen as an excuse, or you defending yourself, etc.

Again, take my advice with a grain of salt, as I am clearly not good at this, given the sitch I am in right now...

Thanks man. Bridge liked how you changed some words around. I do too. I also agree with what you said about keeping it separate.

[antlers]

True..

It's like taking care of things in their order. It's nice that the niece thing may have provided an opening.

The separation process is emotionally chaotic. Communication skills that were weak usually don't get better.

I guess it's like jumping from the smoke to the fire. Take care of the smoke first.. the niece. She's doing yeoman service trying to maintain contact with everyone. Your wife's text was in reaction to the conflict the niece felt.

The calmer your niece is, the manner in which you allay her concerns will directly impact how she communicates with your wife. And you. And the kids. Actions.

Your wife is the fire. She can go any direction. Know yours. Any text to her should take ten words or less.

Otherwise you're reacting to your wife. Not addressing concerns. And in emotional triangles, who ever tries to save the other gets bitten in the ass.

Straight lines of communication.
Actions speak louder than words.

Become the best you're meant to be.

*hugs*

Your insight is so helpful...thanks. I feel like my communication skills have improved a lot over the last year. I don't want to 'react'.

I know that actions speak louder than words. But under our circumstances, words can be important too.

[antlers]

I like the 2nd version with IWITW's pieces. I think the "the you are everythin to me" .. is too over the top for her to hear now.

I think the niece & the 'love me???" texts need to be 2 different ones.. with the initial text telling her that.

EX: "I will be sending 2 more texts to address the two issues I hear you having concerns about."

Keep them separate.. accept responsibility.. show her the difference you have made.

I like how you did most of the writing yourself.. it sounds like "you"

I do too. Thank you for your help so far. I hope I can be helpful to you too at times. Really, I do appreciate your 'special' insight...knowing what you have shared with me so far about your own situation.

[antlers]

It did hurt my feelings that my neice still was 'friendly' with my W, especially since now she is trying to take the kids away from me. I communicated this to my neice.

I want my W to know that I still care, regardless of her projection that I didn't and don't!

Maybe what your W is saying, (in a sarcastic way) is that whatever you may feel for her, that your actions, which could be construed as not wanting niece to be in contact with her, are not loving actions. If you 'love' her, how could you try to drive a wedge between her and people important to her?

I agree. I feel like she's doing just that. My niece isn't important to her though, and hasn't been for years! There are so many emotions on both sides in a deal like this...W doesn't want to feel like the 'bad guy' at all for doing what she's done, and she'll reach out to anyone to justify her feelings, even if it's to someone who mattered little to her before. Anyway, my feelings were hurt for the reasons I posted earlier to Coach. My W put her foot down and got her parents to stop communicating with me after she filed for divorce. Before that, they communicated with me regularly during the separation. Things like this happen in situations such as these. It's not good, but they do. But she should know that I still care for her even though my feelings were hurt by their communication (niece and hers).

[iwantittowork]

Hey Ant, it's been a couple days, just wondering how things are going lately with you.

[antlers]

Hi IWITW.

Things are going OK. Had the kids for the weekend and now I'm back to work today. I'm trying to keep the legal side of this divorce separate from the other aspects of it; smart people here have mentioned on this board that they really are separate...so I'm trying to keep them separate. The lagal side is a real b!tch though, and it hurts...bad. Anyway, she knows how I feel and I know how she feels.
Met with the GAL week before last...haven't heard anything else yet.
I'm gonna get my a$$ kicked financially in this thing. Not much I can do about it but take it on the chin. Gotta go on though. I built our retirement account up singlehandedly over the years to over 6 figures, got a lot of equity in the house, got a lot of belongings that she left behind in the house (furniture, etc.) and said she didn't want any of it...now she wants "half" of everything, even my firearms!
I paid for her college aducation.
Spilt milk now.
It hurts though, that it's come to this.

You asked! :-)


ps - thanks for checking on me. How are you man?

[Gypsy]

Hey Ant..

When you're a couple sharing is the norm. Paying for college, saving for retirement are just normal things you do reflect responsibility and an eye to the future. It's being a couple, pulling together.

I became a stay at home mom, leaving my career to tend to a sick toddler and the former spouse's episodic mental breakdowns. We talked it over. I viewed it as a long term commitment to marriage. That the risk I was taking in not building a career was nullified by our belief in always being at each other's side, working together. Ooops.

Now he is an angry man who's upset at the 'salary' he has to pay me and I'm all wobbly in entering the job force, at potentially minimum wage earnings.

Entitlement raises it's greedy head during divorce where what was done lovingly is wrenched into purely monetary value.

What I learned is stuff is stuff. You negotiate, keeping what is 'yours', giving her more more of other things. But in the end emotional drama is more expensive and taxing than what is demanded. Although it may hurt, things can be replaced. But peace of mind is priceless.

Go Zen, baby. That will pull the wick out of her candle.

*hugs*