flowmom | shifting from devastated to rebuilding

[flowmom]

thread #1

thread #2

sitch in a nutshell:

• 1991 - became friends
• 1992 - became non-monogamous long-distance lovers
• 1994 - started monogamous R
• 1995 - moved in together
• 2000 - married
• 2003 - had baby and started down the challenging road of dealing with a special needs son
• 2004 - H started withdrawing and became depressed to varying degrees
• 2006 - had second baby
• Dec 2008-May 2009 - MC, ended in "impasse" with H not shifting
• Jul 2009 - H turned 40
• Aug 2009 - last romance in M
• fall 2009 - multiple crises, H really withdrawn and dealing with rage
• Dec 22, 2009 - H revealed the depth of his hopelessness about our M, said 80% of his unhappiness was due to the conflict in our M, said that he had done a lot of research on how parental conflict affects children and had convinced himself that our level of conflict was damaging our children...repeatedly stated that he had no plans or solutions for the situation...H was dealing with extreme insomnia and a lot of anxiety symptoms (nervous breakdown?)
• Dec 28, 2009 - H was diagnosed with moderate to severe depression (but ended up discontinuing meds after 4 days), first mentioned trial separation but agreed to wait for a month for his state of mind to stabilize
• Jan 3, 2010 - SEPARATION: H moved out and rented 2 BR apartment
• Jan 9, 2010 - H said he had no motivation to work on our M (lots of fight-or-flight body language)
• Jan 11, 2010 - first DB coaching session

now:

H and I are coparenting peacefully, H is going out of his way to spend time with the kids and make it easy for them.

H has not mentioned D in weeks. He is obviously uncomfortable around me and in our home and tries to take the kids to his apartment whenever possible. Has made his intention to date very clear. Don't think there's an affair yet.

I am on an emotional roller coaster. Doing well with sticking to a code of behaviour around H (pleasant but only contact is about parenting). Not doing well with procrastination and obsessing about my sitch. I have made GAL babysteps and have plans to make more. Just starting to recognize the importance of detachment...have a long way to go. Had 2 sessions with a new IC who seems to be helpful.

[flowmom]

This is how I would know that my DBing is working:

1. H stops having the "deer in the headlights expression" when he greets me (H is not timid, quite the opposite, yet he looks freaked out and haunted when he sees me...I should be the one looking like that!)

2. H smiles at me

3. H makes a joke

4. H comments on any change that I've made

5. H mentions the future in a way that indicates uncertainty (not as if the D is a done deal)

6. H touches me in any way

7. H initiates any activity that would involve us being together as a family

[Kalni]

flo,
IMO, DBing becomes effective and successful when you STOP acting thinking how your H will react to you. Ironically, the minute you stop shaping your life around him and his reactions, is usually the minute he takes steps to you. I cant stress this enough and I wish you and others could take my word for it. We have this no R talks rule here and I agree. BUT, just an example, the minute I had an R talk I initiated with H, but it was very obvious I was confident, sure, strong and could handle whatever the outcome was, it was the first time he asked for time and said "ohh I never wanted a D, I dont know what I want" -DEEP at that time into his A, April 2008. You would think I had given him the perfect chance to bail out, he took a HUGE step towards me.

Unfortunately to realise the way this works you have to got thru different phases,it doesnt happen overnight.

The same goes for dating, if you do it "for" him, it wont work.
When I fell in love, not only I didnt tell my H, (although we had agreed we were divorcing for the first time), I made sure he wouldnt find out. I didnt end up embarassed or crying, I felt loved and happy, I didnt do it to hurt H, it DID complicate things, much pain was involved but I didnt regret it, I would do it all over again. In the end I had to make the decision to love my H which was hard after all the things I had lived because of him and it caused me months of frustration and misery.
If flirting, meeting someone, dating is in the same sentence with your H, that is a little "worrying".
K
_________________________

[Kalni]

Goal number 1 is actually broken down to goals 2-7. He WOULD be able to do all these things if he didnt have this deer in headligths expression and associated feelings, right?

My advice:
you end convos
you end phone calls
you leave early (during kids' exchanges etc)
you dont answer calls and reply via texts

All the above in an upbeat-friendly manner, not to punish him, not angry, just NOT needy. You are not looking for a chance to talk R to him, you are not looking for a chance to show him how you've changed. You just...are. If you do it a couple of times, it's a piece of cake.

[flowmom]

IMO, DBing becomes effective and successful when you STOP acting thinking how your H will react to you.

Isn't part of DBing based on making changes and carefully monitoring the spouse's behaviour to see if the changes are working? That's what I'm understanding from the book and from the DB coach's advice.

Ironically, the minute you stop shaping your life around him and his reactions, is usually the minute he takes steps to you. I cant stress this enough and I wish you and others could take my word for it.

I am not shaping my life around H, except for working around his schedule to facilitate sharing child care. It's more my thoughts that I'm struggling with. And I know that I need to GAL and control my thoughts...I totally get that. I think I'm actually doing OK with GAL...that's the feedback that I'm getting from my IRL support network.

The same goes for dating, if you do it "for" him, it wont work.

I wouldn't do that. I think I'm actually unintentionally reverting back to the first stage of our R, where we spent 2 years in a long-distance non-monogamous R before committing. At that time, dating and having flings was part of how I protected myself and maintained my dignity while H dealt with grieving and needing to get his yayas out. It wasn't about revenge or "tit for tat", but more about deciding to make lemonade about the lemon that life had handed me. And I guess I'm in the mood to make lemonade again. But there's a lot more at stake now, and I realize that I just can't afford any messiness in my sitch. Making lemonade might not be a good choice for me right now.

Thanks for taking the time to help me. Believe me when I say that I take everyone's input to heart, whether or not it's obvious.

[flowmom]

My advice:
you end convos
you end phone calls
you leave early (during kids' exchanges etc)
you dont answer calls and reply via texts

I am doing all of that except that I answer calls because his calls are usually about childcare scheduling (ie calling me to let me know that he's going to be late, etc., which I need to know). We don't text, but he often gets my emails on his iPhone. Our exchanges are very brief and to the point and I usually end the conversation with "is that all?" in a pleasant but "I've got other stuff to do" tone of voice. I'm a bit concerned about that because I'm not sure if it's a 180. When H initiated talking in the few months before the S, I didn't make myself that available for it.

[Vulcanized]

I wouldn't do that. I think I'm actually unintentionally reverting back to the first stage of our R, where we spent 2 years in a long-distance non-monogamous R before committing. At that time, dating and having flings was part of how I protected myself and maintained my dignity while H dealt with grieving and needing to get his yayas out. It wasn't about revenge or "tit for tat", but more about deciding to make lemonade about the lemon that life had handed me. And I guess I'm in the mood to make lemonade again. But there's a lot more at stake now, and I realize that I just can't afford any messiness in my sitch. Making lemonade might not be a good choice for me right now.

Thanks for taking the time to help me. Believe me when I say that I take everyone's input to heart, whether or not it's obvious.

Hi Flow,

There is absolutely nothing wrong w/dating [coffee, movies, dinner, etc] if that is what you want to do. If you decide to take it to the next level [physical], that is your choice to make as you see fit.

I know that in your sitch, and mine as well, the stakes are way higher than before M. But for me, I'm extremely tired of H's enforced [for me, anyway] celibacy. We have no M, and he is certainly not celibate. So, hell, I'm tired of toeing his double standard line. Not to mention, perhaps a little 'lemonade' might make me a little less cranky!

My biggest concern w/that is needlessly hurting a 3rd party. So I am still faithful to a H who really doesn't deserve my fidelity.

[flowmom]

But for me, I'm extremely tired of H's enforced [for me, anyway] celibacy.

Me too. I guess I've been in a sex-starved M for years. H complained about it right before we separated as if it was my fault, but he was the one who kept the door to intimacy mostly closed. Every once in a while I would initiate once or twice, we'd have a great time, but the door would close again.

[Vulcanized]

But for me, I'm extremely tired of H's enforced [for me, anyway] celibacy.

Me too. I guess I've been in a sex-starved M for years. H complained about it right before we separated as if it was my fault, but he was the one who kept the door to intimacy mostly closed. Every once in a while I would initiate once or twice, we'd have a great time, but the door would close again.

Yup. Yup. Yup.

H. had me on an almost no sex diet for the last year & a half. [2x for the whole year 2009] Granted, I didn't do as much to address that as I should have. Did practically nothing.

H. claims that due to my crabbiness [DIRECT RESULT of being sex-starved], he didn't want to ML. And I did tell him this numerous times. Which is why I'm now thinking about sampling some other lemonade stands ...

[Number 8]

flowmom, how do you feel about your DB coaching session? I've been considering it. What can you share about it? If anyone else has experienced it, I'd love to hear from you, too.