Going straight forward...antlers 6th thread.

[antlers]

Antlers,
I can hear you are really sad & frustrated with the fact that your marriage is over & the ending of it appears to be an all out war.

"YEAH, I AM SAD ABOUT IT. YEP, IT HAS BECOME A WAR...A WAR OF ATTRITION."

War has casualties, it also has survivors.

"I KNOW. WE'LL SURVIVE THIS. I JUST HATE IT THAT I DIDN'T MAKE MY CHANGES IN TIME."

Try reframing this

My children are innocent victims, casualities. I will be a casualty also.

to this

My children are innocent of causing this war. I own my part in causing it and trying to prevent it. Regardless, we will all be survivors.

"I DO OWN MY PART IN CAUSING IT AND TRYING TO PREVENT IT."

I copied this off another DB'er's thread yesterday because it spoke to me at a time I was looking for hope.
I share it with you to hopefully pass some along to you

Roses
Its madness to hate all roses because you got scratched with one thorn..
To give up on your dreams because one didn’t come true...
To lose faith in prayers because one was not answered...
To give up on your efforts because one of them failed…
To condemn all of your friends because one betrayed you…
To not believe in love because someone was unfaithful or didn’t love you back…

To throw away all of your chances to be happy because you did not succeed on the first attempt.

A new friend, a new love, a new life… never give up because life is indeed beautiful.

"I KNOW. I CAN'T DENY THE FACT THAT I STILL FEEL THE WAY I DO ABOUT HER THOUGH. I FEEL BAD FOR HAVING MESSED UP LIKE I DID. I FEEL GREAT FOR MAKING THE CHANGES THAT I DID. WISH I HAD MADE THEM SOONER."
=====
You can handle it.
Peace
Bridge

[antlers]

I need some help.

My neice communicates some with my kids mom. She's a young 24 y/o. She feels like I get mad at her for doing so. She has communicated this to my kids mom. I get a nastygram after midnight tonight from my kids mom telling me that my neice told her this, and then she throws it up in my face, word for word, the texts that I've been sending her recently (with help from you all) telling her that I still care for her...and finishes it by saying "you love me, huh? Is that why neice is not "allowed" to talk to me since you will get pissed at her if she does? If that's how you love then I'd hate to see how you dislike. Wait...I already have."

I've felt good about the texts that I've sent her recently...she's referred to them several times during subsequent communication with me. I'd like to negate the negativity communicated to her from my neice without going into detail, and still reiterate my feelings for her in a way that would be compassionate and honest, but without seeming weak and pursuing.

Could you folks please help?

[Coach]

Stop involving your niece, DB her.

Throw truth darts. What did you really say to your niece? What could be construed as controlling? Your wife is projecting some, she is controlling you. Your STBX is still filling in the blanks (mindreading.) She's playing the victim here, remind her she has a choice that she can talk to whoever she wants.

[Bridgestone]

I would say the text messages must be a 180 if she is commenting on them that much & has them memorized... they have caught her attention.

She's testing you.. she's watching you...looking for 'old antlers'..

She's pushing your buttons...seeing what you will do... what will be your choice?

I agree with Coach on the niece.. what could be possibly remotely be construed as 'controlling' from your end?

Clear it up with the niece ASAP, validate her feelings of "she feels I get mad at her if she talks to my kids mom..."

.. show your empathy & changes to bothbecuase obviously what is shared with the niece makes it back to the StBXW

You can handle this.
Bridge

[Bridgestone]

I will add something here
I fully admit, when I started seeing some of my StBXH changes over a year ago when he got some serious counseling..

I had very very mixed feelings.. relief, fustration, fear, but a LOT of anger.

Logically I wanted him to make those changes and for himself, not just out of compliance and I tried really hard to be supportive of his efforts, encouraging of his changes, empathetic to the emotional carnage IC does in it's first few sessions.

But emotionally, watching him making those changes after YEARS of me asking in direct & not so direct ways to stop the destructive actions and pleading for changes... the resentment I felt was overwhelming at times & I know at times, it came out as anger...

In statements like "oh wait.. I know what's that's like", lots of sarcasm

in tests of his changes.. by baiting him & pushing his buttons

in stonewalling his requests for communication because of my fear of his not being able to handle hearing what I had to say

I'm not excusing my behaviour, it was not pretty at times.. I tried my best to work through my anger in other ways, but it would come through in a ways I stated above. Even when he didn't deserve it and really was 'different' I know I was testing.

Just something to think about.

[antlers]

To Coach and Bridge. First, thank you both! Second, How can I respond to my kids mom? It has to be by text because that is the only avenue of communication between us.

What can I say to her?

[Bridgestone]

How about you try it out what you've been learning about communicating with her, here first.. type something up..

we'll (or at least me- I won't speak for Coach or others) take a whack at it.

[iwantittowork]

Hey Ant, just passing through and wishing you luck, I can't offer any advice on what to do, but you are doing well, and Bridge and Coach are giving you some outstanding advice.

I am hoping you make progress, and also learn from what they are telling you (I know I am, in just following along) and incorporate that learning into the new Ant.

Kudo's to you both Bridge and Coach for looking in on Ant, he is worth it!

[antlers]

How about you try it out what you've been learning about communicating with her, here first.. type something up..

we'll (or at least me- I won't speak for Coach or others) take a whack at it.

"Making assumptions can lead to a lot of misunderstandings and a lot of difficulties. I'm sorry about doing that at times. Don't make the assumption that you know what I think. You can talk to whoever you want. And I'll do my best to not make assumptions about you. I understand why you'd be upset since so many assumptions have been made along the way."


Well?

I'd like to also mention again to her that I care for her and my family deeply but I don't know what to say (or even if I should)!

[Bridgestone]

Antlers..
I THINK

she's asking you (in a woman's way) to address

"you love me, huh? If that's how you love then I'd hate to see how you dislike. Wait...I already have."

not

Is that why neice is not "allowed" to talk to me since you will get pissed at her if she does?