Getting Ready For Divorce

[crushed_v95]

Hey Bond:

I think an MLC might be part of it. She's always had impulse control problems. She had a very bad reputation in the town she grew up in (where we live now) and has been in trouble since childhood. Spending sprees, casual sex with strangers, etc.

She's not particularly attractive and I think she looks for validation.

The difference is mainly in the fact that she used to respect the home. She came home late, etc. in years past but she never crossed the boundaries of bringing home wine coolers, she hid her lingerie (which, again, she never wore for me) in boxes in the garage, etc. Now she brings it home.

We have kids, and I hate that they are forced to see their mother in this state. This is why I'm leaving. My kids are learning a very warped version of motherhood and womanhood. I get questions from my teenage daughter ("is mom cheating on you?" she asked...)

I confronted her about this on Sunday (Valentine's Day). She woke me up in the master bedroom at 2 AM, rummaging around. She spent several hours cleaning things out and hiding stuff she didn't want me to find.

Maybe I'm in an MLC too. I just found it all too depressing and on my birthday I snapped. At this point I just don't care about this marriage or this woman at all. I'm not mad at her, I don't hate her. I wish her well. I just can't be bothered to give a damn any longer. I miss the touching and affection. I miss the idea that I have a wife, but at some point I realized that it was only an idea. She has never been a wife to me.

Hopefully that makes sense.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Spending sprees, casual sex with strangers, etc.

She's not particularly attractive and I think she looks for validation.

The difference is mainly in the fact that she used to respect the home. She came home late, etc. in years past but she never crossed the boundaries of bringing home wine coolers, she hid her lingerie (which, again, she never wore for me) in boxes in the garage, etc. Now she brings it home.

We have kids, and I hate that they are forced to see their mother in this state. This is why I'm leaving. My kids are learning a very warped version of motherhood and womanhood. I get questions from my teenage daughter ("is mom cheating on you?" she asked...)

I think THAT, right there, is your #1 priority right now -- not the marriage. Teen and pre-teen girls are making HUGE decisions now about their own character, and their own sexuality. What they see modeled in their own family and being held up as if APPROPRIATE will form their relational and sexual identity for the rest of their lives.

No pressure, huh. Sorry.

Puppy

[crushed_v95]

Hey Puppy:

This is a generational cycle in this woman's family that I feared I would experience.

My wife has always followed the pattern of her own mother. Both had wild sexual behavior as children and teens. Both got pregnant multiple times, abortions, adoptions. Wife has an elder sibling who was not the bio child of her father. It's like history repeating itself.

Wife's bio dad, who adopted her brother, has been literally broken by the woman he did the favor for, in the same way my wife is attempting with me. She divorced him. He's now dejected and mentally unbalanced on the other side of town, with little contact from his own kids (wife included).

My mother-in-law went bar hopping from her late 30s onward. She was a gold-digger who broke up two different marriages, stealing the husband's inheritance. She has a large farm from the first marriage. Her victim's biological children complain about her still. Her second victim was a fellow who she met in a bar. I considered him my father-in-law until he died a couple of years ago. She got his pension and his savings and is quite wealthy now.

It's a sick situation, and I'm most frantic now to save D15 from taking the dysfunction to a third generation. Whether I'll be able to get through to her is an open question, but she seems to sympathize with me.

Our son, 13, sympathizes with me totally. Wife treats him the way she treats me. He begs me not to leave, to take him with if I go, etc.

I appreciate this board. This is such a strange scenario I'd almost be hard-pressed to believe it if it weren't happening to me.

[Quart9]

Crushed - you posted in my post saying you wish you had the $$ to move out. This does not sound like a good idea man. You need to stick aroud for your kids - esp your daughter. If you take off, what if she repeats the same cycle as her mom and grandmother. I have to believe you don't want that/don't want to add to the posibility of that.

I have also read, and this depends on the state, that WAH hurt their chances of custody and visitation due to the courts seeing their walking away as abandonment - something to consider?!

I am sorry to hear about your sitch BTW. I think you did good by coming here to look for help.

[crushed_v95]

Hey Quart:

You're exactly right, and that's why I'm suffering through being here, under the same roof as this woman. I can't leave until I have enough money to file, because I don't want it to look like I just split.

I can't file until I get the money, because this creature has spent all our money chasing dudes down at the casino over the course of the last 18 months. We have no money at all, literally. She wasted our entire savings and all the equity in our home, and screams about how it's my fault (I was out of work, so apparently I made her take out secret credit cards, and she spent all the money on me, but she won't let me see the statements... yez yez).

This is just so nutty. I'm going absolutely bonkers and I appreciate finding a place where so many others are dealing with similar boatloads of nonsense.

[crushed_v95]

Crushed - Don't move out unless you absolutely have to. You think its tense now? Wait until your in your tiny solitary peaceful 'lil room and your lying awake at night wondering what she is doing, who she is doing, why did/didn't you do this or that, etc. That's hell man.

A bit of background...

In 1997 (I was 27, she was 28, our son was 1 year old) I was cleaning out the garage and found a ton of lingerie in a box. I asked her about it. She denied it was hers, then admitted it was hers but claimed it was from a previous relationship. She never wore lingerie for me and it looked quite new. There was a lot of it.

She has always protested a bit *too much* and it was an open secret after that point that she was dating. She was discreet about it and I somehow came to accept the fact that I couldn't control her. I only insisted that she be a good mother in the home, keep her extramarital stuff outside the marriage (the definition) and keep up appearances for the kids' sakes.

Around 2002 she came home late one night. Sex has a certain smell and it was all over her. She stunk up our bed and from that point on I slept on the couch. It was a few months after this that she had a pregnancy scare. We hadn't been intimate for six months prior, but she pretended to get very offended when I reminded her of the fact.

I have already made peace with the fact that she'll "do anything with anyone at any time..." (her favorite phrase which she has used many times, including just a couple of weeks ago). I don't care. I'm simply sick of the relationship.

Seriously, I don't know now whether to envy you guys or envy myself. I remember those days when I knew it was happening and couldn't do anything about it. I was so hurt and helpless. "Why does she love everyone but me?" I used to ask. For the past several years I've simply yawned and gone to bed in the guest room. Her impulse control problems are not mine, and while I'll miss the idea that maybe I have a wife who has her good moments (and she did have many) I'll be done loving someone who will not love me back and I'll be glad to be rid of her.

Yes I love her. Yes it still hurts a bit. What hurts most is the time I've wasted trying to get through to this woman. I'm so burned out it's a relief to dare envision a future in which I can fulfill my own needs on my own terms.

[Quart9]

Wow! You can trace her A's with OM back to 1997? I do not see how you were able to put up with this for so long. I'm supposing you did it because you thought she would change or you wanted to stay together for your kids?

Props to you man. I could not have done that (of course I always said to myself if my W ever cheated on me once we would be done, that happened, and look I'm here wanting to DB).

It sounds like you are getting over her and you are ready to move forward. I envy you for that!

[crushed_v95]

Hey Quart:

My own personal plan was to wait until our kids were all grown before leaving her. I just can't do it. I always envisioned them out of college with families and then I'd have a few years left to have some peace. In the better times I hoped that she'd settle down as she got older, come to appreciate me. It's not going to happen. I certainly know that now. The realization was heart-wrenching for a couple of weeks, but now I'm just so tired I want to let go.

I'm here on your board, with all you ladies and gents who want so badly to save your relationships. I wish so much that there was something to salvage in my case. I could love this woman again, but she'll never love me back. I just don't have the strength to do it for another 15 years. I'll die, literally, if I do. It's so draining.

I admire guys like you so much, who care about your wives enough to change and do so much hard work, who can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I know in my case it's just not my destiny. At this point I'm looking at the next generation, hoping to salvage the kids.

[luvless]

We have kids, and I hate that they are forced to see their mother in this state. This is why I'm leaving. My kids are learning a very warped version of motherhood and womanhood. I get questions from my teenage daughter ("is mom cheating on you?" she asked...)

This is exactly what I deal with too - how do you answer a question like this it is disheartening!

[crushed_v95]

Just got a call from a recruiter who saw my resume posted online.

A new job in a new town in a neighboring state, an hour away from stbxw ... it's not much (13 dollars per hour to start) but I'm thinking I'll take it for now.

I've talked to an attorney who actually advised me that it might be a good idea to simply let her have the house. She makes the lion's share of the income, but it'll still be a horrible stretch for her to keep it all by herself with her numerous "habits" coming into play. I'll pay her child support but it won't be much (my income will be small - I was the homemaker) and we'll share custody. Within a year I predict the kids are with me the majority of the time just due to her tendency to alienate all the people around her (including them). By that time I'll be established and can give them (or at least the younger one) a decent life.

On the downside, D15 may go completely nuts when I leave, and start emulating mom and grandma as teenagers. Wild sexual misbehavior, alcohol, drugs. People here say that they wouldn't care about someone else's child, but I was there when she was born and I've loved her every day of her life. I don't know if I want to take the chance.

S13 wants to come with me immediately.

More later. I'm off to GAL.