While this sounds like an excuse I can say in my experience it is close to impossible to DB or do anything "good" while you are working through a difficult divorce. And Antlers, it sounds like the LEGAL side of your divorce is tough. I can relate as mine was as well.
What people seem to forget (maybe not forget but not "get" until they are living it) when the legal side of divorce starts there are lots of "cooks in the kitchen". You have 2 spouses, attnys that are both whispering "do this, do that", a REALLY screwed up legal system, judges and add in custody issues and an affair and its enough to send anybody over the edge.
It's not that you don't want to be loving and compassionate or be *something* but when one attny is saying "watch what you say" and you have another attny saying "don't do this, do that" it all gets *very* complicated.
I don't know about you but all the court stuff really frightened me. I have never been in trouble in my life! And I wasn't in "trouble" but for me it was *very* scary to see my name on legal documents and have to go to court. And IMO my attny was AWESOME! The entire thing just really twists your mind around.
Then I started to wonder if my H was being nice because of the legal stuff or not and everything you think is normal isn't. It's all just f'ing crazy.
And it's fine for people to say "take a step back or take your time" but sometimes the law does not allow for that. The pressure I felt was insane. Just thinking about it all makes my chest tight.
I can't say either way what you should be doing next but I just wanted to let you know I do understand what a difficult position you are in.
Hi CityGirl. The legal side of this thing is awful. Everything you say or do can be used against you by the other side. So, it's hard to do anything 'good' under these circumstances.
Absolutely. Once her sttorney saw what was at stake (assets) he started 'churning' big time! Crap has happened that I never thought I'd see from her! And it continues. The legal system is hugely adversarial, and it absolutelY pits her against me and vice versa.
Yeah, it's awful. Can't even communicate at all without considering whether or not she'll try to use it against me.
It frightens me too. I don't like it at all. I've never been in trouble either. Now we've got lawyers, a judge, a GAL, and God knows who else will get involved. I had to make a list of witnesses too. I think my attorney is good (she has a reputation for being a fierce litigator), but damn...I didn't want any of this crap, and I doubt she did either...AT LEAST TO THIS DEGREE!
It is crazy. It's become a war of attrition!
I feel like I'm under a tremendous amount of pressure. Decisions are being made by strangers that's going to affect me adversely, and for the rest of my life.
I appreciate you sharing with me. It sucks. I don't know what the hell to do...I wish it'd just stop! It is a truly difficult position.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Antlers I wished so much that I could honestly give you a lot of hope of saving this M, but I think your W has too many encouraging her to follow through with the D procedures. Think about who will gain "anything" from this (or who has hard feelings toward you) and you'll have an idea what she's up against. I have a feeling that her lawyer has already warned her that you might try to sweet-talk your way out of this. When you told her that you still loved her (and I'm not saying you shouldn't have....but just saying what she may have thought) then she already had that seed of doubt planted in her mind.
When she finally decided to leave the M, she was so angry & hurt...and she obviously is still very angry. I would not doubt that she doesn't have help keeping her anger stirred up. How long will it be until the D will be final?
I believe the anger is what fuels her energy and if she didn't have that, she would probably fear she couldn't go through with it. But anytime she should bring up the subject of your feelings for her, I think you should stick to the truth....that you do love her still, but that you don't expect anything from her. You can still choose to love her, right? And....you told her this after you had told her that you wanted 50% custody of the kids, so that statement doesn't appear to be out of spite over her not responding favorably to the ILY.
When it comes to our children, it will stir our emotions like nothing else. If she thinks you have told the kids anything that contradicts her or is negative about her, she is going to react almost violently about it. But, you know, they could have said something about what you "might" have thought or said and she took to be something you actually "did" tell somebody and perhaps that is where she's getting "those lies you told". IDK, just a thought, and it may be a long time before she will believe the truth.
I am glad that you followed Coach's advice and told her that you still loved her b/c you will always know that you told her again, and if the kids ever ask....you can tell them what you said to her. Wished I could talk as positive as Coach does! I'm just concerned that she will not be able to turn lose of so much anger until after the D. Hopefully she can begin to heal and won't subbornly hang on to this unhealthy anger.
I suppose the girls are still in their mother's corner. I think I might have told you this some time ago, but some day they will see the man you've become and they will make their own decisions about how they want to feel toward you. I have had to wait for two people reach adulthood before they finally knew the truth about something that happened in their lives.....so that time comes, but it takes patience.
Whenever you text your W about legal things, I believe you need to show as little emotion as possible, but I am sure I would have said almost the same as you did about custody of the kids. Like I said, who cannot get emotional about that? But from now on, she will realize that you are not afraid of her reactions and that you will fight for you children.
I am not much help, but I'm here for you. I really hope all the best in the world for you, Antlers. I think you have done a wonderful job in turning yourself around. Some lucky lady will appreciate that some day! Your children will also.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
But anytime she should bring up the subject of your feelings for her, I think you should stick to the truth....that you do love her still, but that you don't expect anything from her.
Well, she brought it up...she said she had to call BS on that! What should I say? Should I say "I did and I do love you still, but I don't expect anything from you." ?
ps - thank you sandi for coming to see me when I asked for your help. I really take the stuff you say to heart.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Well, she brought it up...she said she had to call BS on that! What should I say? Should I say "I did and I do love you still, but I don't expect anything from you." ?
No, I wouldn't argue with her....and that is what it would lead to. I mostly meant later if she brought it up like she did before, that you could remind her that you told her or that you do still love her. If she reacts in such a negative way, then about the best thing to say would be, "I'm sorry you feel that way," and let it drop. I meant that you don't need to expect anything from her or to even say ILY in a way that might hint that you expected anything positive in return. You may or may not have another time to tell her, but if you do...that was my suggestion.
It must be very hard when somebody is saying that it is BS that you ever loved them. I don't think I would say it again unless you felt the time was right. I do think it was right to tell her when Coach suggested it b/c of the reasons I gave before. You may or may not have a "right" time again, but I wouldn't change that statement regardless of how angry she got. You love her, and are sorry she feels the way she does. Those are the facts.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Should I wait a couple of days and say simply "I'm sorry you feel that way."?
It is a response. It's standing up against what she said without arguing, it's not getting defensive, it's validating and supporting her feelings, it's calling her on mind-reading...all while remaining in control of myself.
It is hard when she says that it's BS that I ever loved her.
Or "I did and do love you still, and am sorry that you feel the way you do."?
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
It is hard when she says that it's BS that I ever loved her.
That's the TEST!!!! She really wants to know that you love her. Change the medium, write a note.
"I understand why you feel I never loved you. I am truly sorry you feel that way. I regret that I didn't know how to show in the right ways for you. Given the opportunity for a second chance I would make sure I do things better for you and my family. I know what is in my heart and I do love you." - Antlers
I don't see anything in there that is ambiguous or hurts your legal case.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
In my mind I wasn't going to give up hope until the D was final. I agree it is hard to DB when there are lawyers involved. It also helped focus my energy.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
