Going straight forward...antlers 6th thread.

[antlers]

What is different in your case, is that you have NOT tried to demonize your wife, you have LOOKED at your own misgivings, and you are WORKING on you.
Sounds like you have nothing to worry about.
Unless you did something so hedonistic, so reprehensible, on the way to the courthouse TODAY, I think the Judge will see right through this charade. Peace.

Yup!

Hey O'dog. Thanks for keeping watch.

[antlers]

Hey, antlers,

Yeah, they need it. They have needed it....I think they would refuse to go if I tried to take them.

You are the father. Insist. Period. After identifying a good counselor, see him first alone, learn his approach, his philosophy and get his advice as to how to overcome their reticence and possible refusal to attend. Years ago, my oldest wanted no part of it; my youngest wanted to go. We all went (sons and I, not W). Only about 6 - 8 sessions. Did a lot of good.

Hard to imagine that we were married, and we had a family.

Tell me.

Hi G man.

Normally, that would be the case...but considering our past, when I was angry, resentful, and abusive...it's not that easy right now to have that attitude with them. I am a firm believer in counseling. I want more for myself, and I want it for them too.

[antlers]

Hi Gypsy.
I'm picking up the book tonight after work. Been reading about it on the net and it looks uplifting.

antlers, it is liberating. And simple to immediately incorporate with minimal practice/effort. It is now my filter, too.

I've started it, but early on, it's kind of 'out there'. I hope to get past that and into the 'meat' of it soon.

[antlers]

iwitw (and antlers),

For me, the best help has been 'Don't take things personally' I use it over and over, just saying those words at times when I start to dwell on STBXW or anything else that is going on.

Amen, iwitw.

When I got to "Don't make any assumptions" I did some serious soul-searching and realized - and had to admit to myself - that EVERY ONE of the dozens and dozens of assumptions I had made in the past year or so about my sitch, my wife, my life, my worries, my fears, etc. - EVERY ONE turned out not to be even remotely true or factual. None come to pass. And for that I wasted time, energy, drained myself, lived an internal monolog of frenzied, fictional drama. And for what?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Thanks, again, to Gypsy for turning me on to the book, too.

I've started doing that with my kids more, and it seems to help. It's hard to hear the things they say, and to put up with their behavior sometimes...but I'm really working on not taking it personally. They are eaten up with emotions themselves at their ages...and the crap that they've been dealing with between their mother and I certainly multiplies their angst.
It's been my experience, for the most part, that making assumptions has turned out for me the same way you say it has turned out for you.

[antlers]

antlers,

I hate it. I'm seeing and hearing things from her now that I NEVER thought possible with her! I'm dumbfounded!

Any judge worth his or her salt (and they see these kinds of cases dozens of times a week) is going to discern the truth about you, about her, about motives.
Stay calm. Remain unemotional. Do not allow yourself to be baited. OBEY your lawyer (and read or skim The Four Agreements beforehand.)

YOU are the better parent. Period.

I certainly hope so! You are giving me good advice, and I know it. Thanks.

I believe that too!

[antlers]

antlers, Hope is good. He is listening.
The Judges are really good people, and they have good BS radar. I'm so sorry your STBXW is using the kids as weapons. It sounds like she has a few issues to get worked out. Hopefully she will not end up a bitter and wrinkley like a crusty old raisin.
Things started to get better for me when I found myself on my knees (or one of them anyway) before God, begging for Him to save my little family.
And He did. Today, I sit here in my giant 3 bed apartment, with my cat, Hazel. S19 won't take my calls, S16 is hospitalized (and his Dad has unsupervised visits), and D13 is spewing poison every chance she gets.
Oh yeah, I'm a rockstar, allright.
(I'm reading, socializing, NOT working, and taking AD meds, btw, that last part sounds kinda whiney).
Best wishes as you move FORWARD.

goldeylox...thank you for your time and your help. I know He is listening...I just sometimes feel like He isn't. Things sound hard for you too. Sorry.

The rejection from loved ones is a b!tch...hurts bad! I know.

[antlers]

Of course it's scary...Have you shared this with your L let him try to dumb things down for you, that helped me a ton.

Yeah, she says I need to be completely non-emotional (damn hard) and look at it as strictly business.

[antlers]

The Court hears this cr@p all day, everyday. And they hear some pretty weird stuff.
You have acknowledged the things you've done wrong. And you are working to correct them.
A note about her: She is stuck with the 'old' version of you.
When the Court hears someone lie, or present some watered-down version of reality...they know.
You, my dear, will be a breath of fresh air.
A man. Doing the right thing.

Well I hope so. Certainly it will mean something to the Court that initially she wanted joint custody, and later on she changed her mind and filed paperwork to be able to get full custody.
I agree in that she is 'stuck' with the old me.
Thank you goldey for the positive strokes.

[goldeylox]

I prefer the term, getting De-Married.

[antlers]

goldey, antlers,

When the Court hears someone lie, or present some watered-down version of reality...they know.
You, my dear, will be a breath of fresh air.
A man. Doing the right thing.

Ain't it the truth!

Let's just hope the Judge and the Court see it that way too. Thanks.