Going straight forward...antlers 6th thread.

[Gardener]

Hi Gypsy.
I'm picking up the book tonight after work. Been reading about it on the net and it looks uplifting.

antlers, it is liberating. And simple to immediately incorporate with minimal practice/effort. It is now my filter, too.

[Gardener]

iwitw (and antlers),

For me, the best help has been 'Don't take things personally' I use it over and over, just saying those words at times when I start to dwell on STBXW or anything else that is going on.

Amen, iwitw.

When I got to "Don't make any assumptions" I did some serious soul-searching and realized - and had to admit to myself - that EVERY ONE of the dozens and dozens of assumptions I had made in the past year or so about my sitch, my wife, my life, my worries, my fears, etc. - EVERY ONE turned out not to be even remotely true or factual. None come to pass. And for that I wasted time, energy, drained myself, lived an internal monolog of frenzied, fictional drama. And for what?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Thanks, again, to Gypsy for turning me on to the book, too.

[Gardener]

antlers,

I hate it. I'm seeing and hearing things from her now that I NEVER thought possible with her! I'm dumbfounded!

Any judge worth his or her salt (and they see these kinds of cases dozens of times a week) is going to discern the truth about you, about her, about motives.
Stay calm. Remain unemotional. Do not allow yourself to be baited. OBEY your lawyer (and read or skim The Four Agreements beforehand.)

YOU are the better parent. Period.

[antlers]

I don't know about your state, but here, if you file a sole custody petition and lose, it really makes the Petioner look bad. Most of the time backfires. NO FEAR. Trust that God is hard at work. He hears your voice, your prayer for help.

Hey goldeylox.

I'm in Oklahoma. It's a no-fault state.

It is scary...the legal stuff and it's ramifications.

I hope God is hard at work, and I hope he hears what you say He does.

Thanks.

[goldeylox]

antlers, Hope is good. He is listening.
The Judges are really good people, and they have good BS radar. I'm so sorry your STBXW is using the kids as weapons. It sounds like she has a few issues to get worked out. Hopefully she will not end up a bitter and wrinkley like a crusty old raisin.
Things started to get better for me when I found myself on my knees (or one of them anyway) before God, begging for Him to save my little family.
And He did. Today, I sit here in my giant 3 bed apartment, with my cat, Hazel. S19 won't take my calls, S16 is hospitalized (and his Dad has unsupervised visits), and D13 is spewing poison every chance she gets.
Oh yeah, I'm a rockstar, allright.
(I'm reading, socializing, NOT working, and taking AD meds, btw, that last part sounds kinda whiney).
Best wishes as you move FORWARD.

[antlers]

What is different in your case, is that you have NOT tried to demonize your wife, you have LOOKED at your own misgivings, and you are WORKING on you.
Sounds like you have nothing to worry about.
Unless you did something so hedonistic, so reprehensible, on the way to the courthouse TODAY, I think the Judge will see right through this charade. Peace.

Hey goldey.

Yes, I have done those things...but, how does the Court know that? I feel worried, this legal crap is scary and intimidating.

Nope, didn't do anything like that on the way to Court!

[volleydog]

Of course it's scary...Have you shared this with your L let him try to dumb things down for you, that helped me a ton.

[goldeylox]

The Court hears this cr@p all day, everyday. And they hear some pretty weird stuff.
You have acknowledged the things you've done wrong. And you are working to correct them.
A note about her: She is stuck with the 'old' version of you.
When the Court hears someone lie, or present some watered-down version of reality...they know.
You, my dear, will be a breath of fresh air.
A man. Doing the right thing.

[Gardener]

goldey, antlers,

When the Court hears someone lie, or present some watered-down version of reality...they know.
You, my dear, will be a breath of fresh air.
A man. Doing the right thing.

Ain't it the truth!

[antlers]

Hey Ant,

Follow Goldey's advice. You don't know what is going to happen, so try and focus on the here and now.

I don't understand what these motions are.

Trust in your L to do what is right and best for you. You can't predict the outcome so don't waste energy on what 'may' or 'may not' happen. Focus on what you can, just as goldey says, and trust that things will work out in the end.

Sending thoughts your way, I know this is tough, but you can handle it. Step through that fear, and continue on!

Hey IWITW.

OK. I'm workin' on it.

OK. I trust my lawyer. And I certainly agree with what y'all are saying here. Just gets overwhelming sometimes.

Thank you for your good thoughts.