Going straight forward...antlers 6th thread.

[antlers]

Hi Antlers - just checking in on you.

I'm sorry your kids are having a rough time, and it seems they are taking it out on you right now. It's hard not to take it personally, but I think this is about the situation, not you, and they are just lashing out. I agree with Gypsy's post on the last page... actions speak louder than words.

Stay true to yourself and your beliefs, and show the kids you love them - not with things but with your attention, your time, and maybe even some space right now.

Hey mnt_dreams.

Thanks for checking in on me. It's been kind of a hard day and a half. The kiddos are having a hard time, and she thinks it's for reasons other than the separation/divorce. They are lashing out at me. It is hard not to take it personally. Maybe the situation does have a lot to do with it. I agree that 'actions speak louder than words'.

"Stay true to yourself and your beliefs, and show the kids you love them - not with things but with your attention, your time, and maybe even some space right now." - mnt_dreams

Thanks. Your insight on this is, I believe, right on.

Are you doing good today mnt_dreams?

[antlers]

Today I'm kinda strugglin' with the fact that things are what they are.

My 12 y/o son and 13 y/o daughter are so messed up right now...full of resentment and anger, and disrespect.

Are you sure it's about you? They are at 'that' age as well. It could be about her having a bad hair day, the girl that snubbed him at lunch... reframe, refocus, regroup.

They need support in dealing with the brutal facts of their reality.. can you do more for "THAT" than you are doing?

If no, then tell yourself you are doing the best you can... we can't protect our kids from pain, hurt, suffering.

We can lessen it.. if you've done all you can to lessen it, then you as much as you might want to .. I don't think you can 'fix it'.

It's OK to hurt, antlers. What you chose to do with that hurt can be productive for you emotionally or not.

Are you still in IC?

And their mother seems like a different person from the one I've known for all these years. Hard as stone.

she's detached because of breaking the bond the two of you had. It's almost impossible for their to be closeness without a bond.

My oldest daughter (wife's from a previous marriage that I've raised since she was 2 y/o) has seemingly decided to erase me from her life.

very few things in life are permanent.. parental erasure included

And oldest daughter and her mother are working big time on the little ones...to turn them further against me.

is this rational thinking? Do you have evidence for this? Or is this a fear?

Things have definately gotten much worse since she filed for divorce on Oct. 1st.

there is a reason there is a v. between the names on the divorce decree

When you're goin' through hell, keep goin'! But damn...how far do you have to go before you get out of it?

it is what it is.. fighting it doesn't get you out any quicker.

I'm trying. And I'm so ready to see light instead of darkness...and I'm so ready to feel something other than pain.

only you can make that choice of what you are feeling..& what you are seeing.

Sorry for the gloomy post, but some days are better than others...and right now I'm havin' a hard time.

yep we all have them... what are you doing for GAL besides your solitary biking? Are you seeking others out for a some positive interactions & affirmation? Attending social events? Trying new adventures?

Peace
Bridge

1. I'm sure that some of it is about me, and some of it is about the situation. Some of it may be because they are the ages they are. But your advice is spot on, and appreciated..."reframe, refocus, regroup".

2. I know they do Bridge! We can probably always do more, and I'm trying my best.

3. I'll continue to try to learn more and be even more supportive for them. I know they feel pain, hurt, and suffering. But they also feel resentment, anger, and disrespact. It's not good for them, just like it wasn't good for me.

4. I can't fix it. I just want to do better for them and with them.

5. I do. And I know you're familiar with the pain. I've chosen to change for the better. I have, and I still will. But I'm growing weary of hurting this much.

6. No. During the separation, when I began to improve and get stronger and healthier and better...I stayed with it for a good while. Then the insurance benefits ran out and it got very expensive at about the same time I thought I could get by without it for the time being.

7. There is no closeness on her part, no bond, and no attachment...no nothing! I still feel connected. I still care.

8. Thanks for that. I hope it holds true in this case. I've always loved her as much as my own kids, and I've always considered her 'mine' as much as the 2 little ones.

9. It's true, whether it's rational or not. They are always telling me "mom said you did this" or "big sister says you did that"...always derogatory things. They won't even hug me in front of her because they are uncomfortable with her seeing them show me affection. It's not a fear.

10. That doesn't mean it has to turn vindictive and hateful!

11. Agreed. It's been over a year now. And I'm just weary of hurting so much.

12. I keep hearing that, and I do believe that ultimately it's true. Nonetheless, I'm weary of hurting this bad. The remorse prolongs the pain, I suppose.

13. Yeah, I'm doin' what I can. Sometimes I ride with others...but the winter has pretty much shut the riding down. I do things more with friends, they come over or I go over; I even went to our huge Christmas party for work. I haven't done that without her for nearly 2 decades. I have the kids every single day that I'm off. Sorta hard gettin' used to being single.


Thanks for posting to me Bridge.

[antlers]

Sorry to hear it's bad on every front. Just do your part to not throw any more gasoline on this fire.

You and I need to go for a bike ride.

Hello O'dog.

"Just do your part to not throw any more gasoline on this fire." - O dog

That's good advice. Thanks.

I look forward to riding with ya'...in Alaska or Oklahoma, or somewhere else.


How ya' doin' man?

[antlers]

Today I'm kinda strugglin' with the fact that things are what they are.

My 12 y/o son and 13 y/o daughter are so messed up right now...full of resentment and anger, and disrespect.

Are you sure it's about you? They are at 'that' age as well. It could be about her having a bad hair day, the girl that snubbed him at lunch... reframe, refocus, regroup.

They need support in dealing with the brutal facts of their reality.. can you do more for "THAT" than you are doing?

My 12 y/o son is at his moms house right now, and I got a text from him 0300 this morning that said this...

"you disgust me"

That was the text, in its entirity. It hurts, and I really don't know what to do concerning this?

[Gardener]

My 12 y/o son is at his moms house right now, and I got a text from him 0300 this morning that said this...

"you disgust me"

That was the text, in its entirity. It hurts, and I really don't know what to do concerning this?

Antlers: two random thought/ideas:

1)"Wow, that sure sounds serious. Could you tell me why so I might better understand why?"

2)Ignore it until he's ready to open up.

fwiw

[antlers]

Hi Gardener.

1. Yeah, because he's mad at me because I went out of town this weekend when he was supposed to be over here. He's also mad at me because I wouldn't take the Wii over to his moms before I left. She confiscates and keeps anything I take over there. W and oldest daughter also have been hammering at the little kids about how bad I am and turning the little ones against me.

2. I don't know what else I could do? His emotions are all over the map...one minute he tells me "I love you dad" and the next minute he tells me something like I posted above!

[iwantittowork]

Jeez Ant, I can understand how your hurt by that, but not knowing what the context is as well, try not to project on what your S12 is thinking about. Maybe it was even meant for someone else? You just don't know until you can find out why he sent it.

I agree with Gardener, anything other than that, and your just going to torture yourself with your own thoughts on what your S12 is thinking.

Bad for both of you.

After, and if your s12 opens up a bit, you can decide from there.

[Bridgestone]

My 12 y/o son is at his moms house right now, and I got a text from him 0300 this morning that said this...

"you disgust me"

why is he texting @ 3am?? Are you sure it's him?

I'd follow the other posters advice & ask him about it, validate it, work towards understanding him first... compassion.

Peace
Bridge

[antlers]

iwantittowork,
see my response to Gardener for some insight. It wasn't meant for someone else. He gets bothered when I try to talk with him about serious stuff. Others think I should just let it go, and show him unconditional love anyway.

[antlers]

Bridgestone,
He stays up all night, mostly on the computer, when he doesn't have to get up and go to school the next morning. He's done it a lot over Christmas Break. Yeah, it's him. I'm gonna show compassion, regardless. He gets upset whenever I try to talk to him about anything serious. He's got some issues, and he's been bothered by this separation and divorce, and he was also affected by the way I used to treat his mom...I'd be remiss not to mention that. I want more than anything to rebuild the relationships with my kids, but circumstances are really hard right now.