Went waterfowling this morning with a buddy that I hunted with a lot in the years past. First time out this season. We did good...shot a limit of Gadwalls. Had to break some thick ice to set out the decoys. We got 14 inches of snow on Christmas Eve and it's still real cold.
Son has spent the night the last 2 nights, and it's been a pretty good time. This divorce is gonna be nasty and very costly. He told me last night that his mom thinks that I'm trying to "spend all the money" because I bought a nice Christmas for them (she recently said the same thing to me) and I bought myself a new truck a little over a week ago. She continues to say derogatory things about me to them. Sometimes I don't know how to respond. I just don't say anything derogatory about her to them.
I am getting more enjoyment out of my work. Haven't been able to take down the Christmas stuff yet because of the weather. I'm just working at building myself up in every way I can to get through this and come out of it a better, stronger man. It hurts like a b!tch.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
She continues to say derogatory things about me to them. Sometimes I don't know how to respond. I just don't say anything derogatory about her to them.
You are the bigger person in this and it shows.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
As is mine, so you know I know where you are coming from. However, you MUST keep this from the kids, at all costs. I know you are, and that is the only thing you can control. Civility in the face of you STBXW, acknowledging your kids feelings, etc.
Quote:
I just don't say anything derogatory about her to them.
This is good, and you know it, no matter what happens, you will be the better person for it, and while you can't predict how others will respond, you will know you did the best you could.
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She continues to say derogatory things about me to them. Sometimes I don't know how to respond
I don't know the proper response either, but I have already called my STBXW on this type of behavior and will do so again if I have to.
I'd suggest a conversation when kids are not around, where you can acknowledge that you STBXW may be hurting from things in the past, or MR, but that involving children in this, in even sideways comments such as you 'spending all the money' is hurtful to them, and impacts them.
I believe you can state this without being aggressive, or putting her on defense.
That's MHO, and since we are both in StBD, who knows if it's correct or not, but I think your doing the best you can!
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
She continues to say derogatory things about me to them. Sometimes I don't know how to respond. I just don't say anything derogatory about her to them.
You are the bigger person in this and it shows.
Kevin
But she's successful at it with the kids, especially my two daughters. It hurts like a mutha.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
As is mine, so you know I know where you are coming from. However, you MUST keep this from the kids, at all costs. I know you are, and that is the only thing you can control. Civility in the face of you STBXW, acknowledging your kids feelings, etc.
Quote:
I just don't say anything derogatory about her to them.
This is good, and you know it, no matter what happens, you will be the better person for it, and while you can't predict how others will respond, you will know you did the best you could.
Quote:
She continues to say derogatory things about me to them. Sometimes I don't know how to respond
I don't know the proper response either, but I have already called my STBXW on this type of behavior and will do so again if I have to.
I'd suggest a conversation when kids are not around, where you can acknowledge that you STBXW may be hurting from things in the past, or MR, but that involving children in this, in even sideways comments such as you 'spending all the money' is hurtful to them, and impacts them.
I believe you can state this without being aggressive, or putting her on defense.
That's MHO, and since we are both in StBD, who knows if it's correct or not, but I think your doing the best you can!
Hi man.
I so want them to know what she is doing!
Yep, I agree. I did my best. Will continue to do so.
I've called her on it to, and she just lies to me and says she's "not doing anything". I've acknowledged her hurt for a solid year. She is completely non-receptive when I tell her that doing that is harmful to the kids. I am doing my best iwantittowork...under piss poor circumstances.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
You can't control anything but you. If something bad is being done, it will come to light on its own. Just concern yourself with Antlers and let the rest go.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
The former spouse and I promised the kids we wouldn't speak negatively of each other. Within an hour of uttering the oath, the former spouse was telling our daughter that the divorce was Mommy's fault, that she didn't clean the house, etc, etc,. I even heard him saying it out loud from another room. Once he was done talking to her I privately asked him about what he'd said. His reply, "Oh, I would never say anything negative about you."
We all have our own reality. Me.. I saw him as a huge liar, throwing crap over the dam while I tried keeping it plugged with my thumb. At the same time, I didn't feel it was appropriate to call him on it. His actions consistently spoke louder than his words.
Everyone told me, "The kids will know the truth, the kids will figure it out." And it's true. It's better to listen to your kids than tell them what to think. Actions.. whether they're loving, hateful, apathetic.. speak louder than words.
Children learn what their parents live. When in doubt, opt for the role model.. being the person you're meant to be.
Just checking in on your thread. Looks like I will likely be over here soon as well.
On your issue with STBXW making negative comments to the kids, you are handling this well. Do not stoop to her level. Not once.
My parents D'd and pretty much had a terrible M as far back as I can remember. My mother had all of us kids convinced my dad was at fault. She repeatedly said bad things about him after the D. My dad never made a negative comment about her. Never.
Eventually, we figured out the truth. My mom had a lot of mental issues (still does) and made my dad's life (before and after the D) a living he!!. And, we all have a great relationship with our dad, but very few of us talk to my mother now.
Hang in there. Be the better person. It will all come out in the end. How do you want to be perceived at that point?
