Praying for Light at the end of the Tunnel

[kjensen]

Here's the link to my previous thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1835667#Post1835667

This is a hard time of year to have the family unit broken apart for whatever reason.

[Grace_O]

Hey K,

It can be a tough time. It can also be a time to create wonderful memories.

I hope you're doing ok if not well.

HUGS

[kjensen]

Thanks Grace,
Not-so-good right now. I was starting the new thread when H showed up unexpectedly(he never calls ahead).

H saw a framed poster of his out on the table(I was ordering new glass for it to surprise him) and immediately thought it was out so he could take it-like I was gathering his things for him-very touchy area for him. I explained why it was out.

He wanted to see if the girls would see a movie with him(both declined). Then he explained he was upset(felt belittled) that I didn't respond to his email where he was angry at me (using capital letters...)for thinking he had ulterior motives about our divorce. He got angry over more things...

I didn't DB very well, except that I didn't defend myself too much. Wasn't very good at active listening. Cried twice. Explained I didn't want a divorce..he said he couldn't go on living with these type of arguments...He said he was NOT going to be an angry ex-husband-he was avoiding that(this is where I cried the second time b/c that is exactly who he is right now).

He was mad I was "keeping house" and putting pictures up on the walls(that never got done since we moved here), that I put a glass shelf up in the bathroom, that I was looking at paint colors(he had wanted to warm up the family room with paint).

He got really offended when I said this was OUR house, but MY home an maybe he should let me know when he was coming over so I could be scarce..Didn't think he should have to call before seeing his kids.. He's mad that I didn't move out b/c he liked this place better than I did...

Mad about pretty much anything and everything I could say or do.

He left. He just texted me to thank me for getting the glass for his poster-that he appreciated it.

I'm an emotional wreck and he doesn't even live here anymore.

I don't see how he's ever going to get past the anger. We really didn't fight much before the MLC, but now he finds anything and everything to get mad about(or has he spins it-hurt about). I'm trying not to engage and go dim(obviously didn't with the texting yesterday)..I need to be a black out!

[Grace_O]

Hey K,

Sorry you had to go through all of that. Dealing with the anger is tough. I don't know that I would do much in the way of anything to "surprise" him. Let him take what he wants and don't help. He may not take things you'd think he would, let it be.

I was surprised at just how little my H took and really surprised by some of the things he left behind. Some of these things are boxed and in the garage. Others, I have taken to be mine (an example is some of his art, I matted and framed the pieces I like best and they hang in my bedroom). I don't really expect him to ever ask for any of the things he's left, but you never know.

I think some of the anger is b/c they see it as we didn't do certain things when they were "here". My H didn't stay angry long after he left. Sometimes now, I'll see it come up, but more in a usual way and about pretty specific things.

I know that when I'm filling him in on things with D's, not to ask what he thinks until he's had time to process the information. He has said that I expect him to solve everything right now (when I have told him during a visit, heaven forbid I vent or show too much concern. That really puts the pressure on.) Now, I let him know what steps I'm taking and I may ask after a week or so if he see any other options.

Since we talk to a C (phone conference) about D's, that's another venue to bring things up.

He got really offended when I said this was OUR house, but MY home an maybe he should let me know when he was coming over so I could be scarce..Didn't think he should have to call before seeing his kids.. He's mad that I didn't move out b/c he liked this place better than I did...

He's the one that wants out, so, he's the one that gets to leave IMO. And yes, b/c he doesn't live there anymore he does need to call before coming to see the kids. I'm sorry he's offended, but he's made his choice and there are consequences to all of our choices, both good and bad.

I used to work on the day H comes to visit D's and when I didn't I was usually gone at least most of the day. Now, I pretty much do as I please that day. Mostly that involves doing stuff around the house. I'm pleasant and all I ask is common courtesy, like if they leave when they expect to be home etc.

You will get to a place where you can be more non-reactive if you choose. There are times I'm not so sure that's the best way to go, but I do listen to that (psychotic ?) little voice inside. So, far I think it has minimally helped me do what works out for D's.

If you need to go dark, you will need to insist that he calls first and I would suggest setting up a schedule that you both adhere to with regards to visitation. That way you know what to expect and when.

HUGS

[trustingfaith]

KJ,

Wow,your H really is projecting all over you!

Grace said exactly what I was going to say about him coming and going. It is no longer "his" home since he chose to leave so he does need to call before coming over. Setting up a schedule to see the girls is a great idea. Then everyone knows what to expect. He does need to feel the consequences of his choices.

I suppose he will get angry if you set this boundary but since he seems perpetually angry anyway . . . he will get over it.

Having him not be able to just drop by unannounced and a set schedule I would think would help stay dark with him.

[kjensen]

Thanks for the ideas Grace and TF.

I agree that creating a schedule or at least a call first would be ideal. I think I'm going to need to find the right time to bring it up though. Before the holiday H was actually being kind, sympathetic, giving/receiving hugs-no drama or anger.

I think the holiday brought out the worst in him-the anger. Its not just me, either. H said today his whole family are a-holes...I can understand him feeling that way about his Dad, but his mom and brother at least have reached out to him since he told them about getting a divorce(and to me as well).

I think H is feeling like a hurt, left-out little kid. He's helped create this situation, but wants to blame everyone else for it.

When I got emotional today, after H asked how I was doing, he put his arm around me and gave me a hug-that was the man I love-briefly back for a split-second visit.

I need to do better. I need to just listen and validate and not try to have a voice right now-I think that is where I'm faltering.

I think the boundary setting is next, once things settle down again(as I hope they do).

Thanks for the advice. Sometimes I wonder if I really do deserve all of his anger, if I really failed to be a good wife so badly and was unaware. I don't thik so, but that doubt is what upsets me.

[peacetoday]

the anger is not your fault
this belongs to him maybe his past his unresolved childhood issues
they project it on us
as if someone else could create such anger in someone
that is his and he will not get rid of it unless he goes within

my xh also took nothing but a few bags of clothes
he left pictures, clothes some new
a 5000 tv he bought 1 month before leaving he left it
all the electronics were lwft
he took a camera ..then gave it back

I believe they still want access to house as if they never left
My xh got upset when I asked him for the key back to our home
he was upset when I changed locks
b/c they want to be free
but they want us to stand still
cake eating
my xh did for like 2 years
he kept one foot in this world
so dont be too hard on yourslf
you are doing well
you can choose any technique you want
going dim or dark helps us
the less contact the less reactions for a while
remember the crises will take its time
use your energy to heal you
let H go

still you can be suppoertive and cordial while moving forward
maybe your H has to see what it will be like to be alone with no wife and they will get angrier as we set any boundries
peace

[job]

The posters are correct...he will take only what he wants at that moment and leave the rest behind. He will take things that you would not have ever thought he would want. They leave a lot of their clothes and personel effects behind. Why? Because they are reminders of who they were pre MLC.

I would set my boundaries and stick to them. I think you were very wise about him calling first. He walked, he no longer lives there, therefore, he needs to respect your privacy. You certainly aren't going to show up at his place. Please be sure to put anything that you feel as confidential and/or private in a safe place. They have a way of snooping around.

The anger is from guilt and they need that anger to fuel their justification for leaving us. It's part of their depression.

I have to agree w/Grace, I wouldn't do too much for him...he's being a putz right now and doesn't deserve it.

Do they ever come back and ask for things? Yes. My xh has been gone 10 years this month, divorce 7 years and he still asks for things. My answer...no, check out your copy of the divorce decree. They think we will be friends w/them and accept what they've done forever and a day.

Take care of yourself.

[kjensen]

Thanks Peace and Snodderly,
I'll wait until the anger abates a bit..hopefully soon then ask for a call first before H comes over.

I think New Years will be hard on H (and me). Last year, H decided to leave 12/28(Bomb) and moved out 1/3/09. He slept with me in between and we actually went out(a first) on New Year's. He still remembers that night(as do I) as when I let my inhibitions and hangups go and had alot more fun in bed.

Where we are this New Years is very different.
I'm home with the girls this week then back to work. I have been getting things done around the house that needed tending to since we moved here in August. I plan a few shopping trips, some movie watching and getting together with girlfriends, as well.

I'm trying to put H out of my mind for now. He has a therapy session 12/31. Don't know if it'll push him further away or start him looking inward. I feel his therapist hasn't helped US, not sure if she's helped im either...

Each day is a clean slate.

[Grace_O]

K,

So what are your plans to distract yourself on New Year's Eve?
If you don't have any, please come up with some. Don't allow yourself to wallow too much.

HUGS