Gotta Keep Trying 2

[givingitmyall]

Well, then there's that. Certainly correct.

I do miss affection from W. But, when I think about it, that hasn't been there for a while. So, what is the pull I feel today?

[Gardener]

Find happiness just being you.

In a nutshell. Exactly.

[givingitmyall]

Ok guys. Could use some encouragement. I know I'll get through this, but I am still a bit down - could be partially due to not feeling well. If I did not have so much work to do today, I would be home resting.

For some reason, yesterday the whole "I'm getting D'd" thing jumped up and bit me. Thought I had a pretty good handle on it. And I think I am managing well. Could just be one of those down days.

W made a few comments over the weekend about Christmas present she wanted to buy me. This was really just a joke, but it shows she is still seeing us together, to some degree, at Christmas.

She is in no hurry to get D'd - she is likewise, in no hurry to move towards MC. Instead, she appears to be happy to move back into limboland. While I cannot live that way, I don't want to blow everything up while Thanksgiving and Christmas are just around the corner. Or, am I being unreasonable?

Any input or suggestions is appreciated.

[mishka422]

We're heading into that dangerous time of year GIMA. The time of year for family and friends and when your family is suffering and is torn it makes the season depressing.

It is going to take a supreme effort to get around this.

When W made these comments about a present she wants to get you, you say it was a joke. What kind of sick person jokes with you about buying you a present knowing what kind of emotional turmoil they have put you due to their own actions? Did you call her on it? If not, why not?

Of course she is in no hurry to get D'd. Why should she? She is living off of your dime, in the home she's comfortable in, with her children full time, and without any of the stress that S or D brings.

You say you don't want a D GIMA. What you are doing by allowing her to joke with you, treat you like a roommate is heading you right down that path. She doesn't respect you as a man, a husband, and a father. Change her attitude! How to do that? I'm not really sure, not being there to actually see the interaction. Get in touch with Coach ASAP. He can probably give you some next steps.

Again, this season sucks. Truly, truly, sucks. You are going to have to find a way not to think about your 'traditions'. Change them up. Make new ones. Change your mind, change your circumstances.

Good luck! I know how much this hurts.

[givingitmyall]

Mishka,

Thanks for the reply. I did not take W's joke as an attempt to hurt me. We were talking about me having some sinus problems and she said she was going to buy a gift she has been using for her sinuses. Was in the context of a light hearted, upbeat discussion.

We have not talked about arrangements or plans for the holidays, but we have ALWAYS had her family at our house for both Thanksgiving and Christmas. It is an assumption on my part, but a safe one I believe, this will be the case this year.

The unanswered question that is still hanging out there is whether she will agree to MC. When we last spoke about this 2 Sundays ago, I left the ball in her court about considering MC. Looks like it's time for me to jump the net and pick up that ball.

[Gardener]

Gima,
She has shown absolutely no motion towards or preference for MC, S, or D.
You, like most on this board, have persevered and lived this situation in life and in your head damn near 24/7.
With the Holidays approaching and the MC ball currently in her court, would you consider something like this:

W,
You seem not at all uncomfortable with the status quo.
However, I cannot and will not live this way much longer.

You have not offered an opinion on MC in over two weeks since I last asked you.

Now, the Holidays are coming and I plan to enjoy them fully and thoroughly.

But if you do not let me know your thoughts on whether to even attempt repair through MC by January 1st, I will file for D.

In your own words of course.
If you've reached that point.
Have you?

[iwantittowork]

For some reason, yesterday the whole "I'm getting D'd" thing jumped up and bit me. Thought I had a pretty good handle on it. And I think I am managing well. Could just be one of those down days.

Hey GIMA, just let yourself accept that your going to have some down days, conversely you will have some not so down days. It's unreasonable to think your going to be happy through this. Your dead already right? Well, so is your Old MR (regardless of if you can save it or renew it in the future) and any loss comes with some grieving, and your going through a grieving process, so acknowledge and accept it.

Check the thoughts that brought you here as well, to those feelings, and see if you can change them up. I find the more down you get, the thoughts behind them are more pessimistic, IE, I'll never find someone else, things will never be good, the kids will never make it through.... Then, work to try and reverse those to temporary thoughts, the kids WILL make it through this, there IS someone else out there, (Even if someday it's my current W and MR in some other form)

You have been working on this already, so I know you can do this.

I think as well, when you are having down moments and thoughts, it's not time to start thinking about the holidays and what plans you'll be making, your just not in the correct frame of mind to contemplate them. Take some time to process and accept the down times, then work towards the other issues when your not quite so down.

You can do this!

[givingitmyall]

Gardener,

To answer your question, I don't know. I think I have reached the point that limboland isn't oging to cut it anymore. And I think I have reached the point where I realize W may not choose the work on the M (or a better way to put it is I see no sign she has changed her position of NOT wanting to). That doesn't leave much of a choice, in fact, it leaves no choice.

Obviously, if she says she will try MC or try working on the M, then that opens a new option - one I have been clear about from the outset. While I was encouraged by her actions and words the last 6 months, that's gone.

[givingitmyall]

IWITW,

Thanks for the input. And, yes, I think you are right. So, I will spend some time today working through why I am feeling this way. Initially, I think it is the thought that we will not be together another set of holidays after this one. Don't know that that's as much a thought as a fact.

So, the thought may be I cannot be happy if we are not together as a family during the holidays. I will miss that terribly, but know I CAN be happy if I were in another situation. I would still see my kids, just not her. Another tough part is that her family has really become mine - I am close to mine, but haven't spent holidays with them in a long time. So, I will miss that as well.

Thanks for getting me thinking.

[brownidmom]

(((((GIMA)))))

I am sorry to hear that you are feeling sad. It is a VERY TOUGH ROAD and I am in wayyyy over my head right now too. I will try to post on my own sitch when I have at least begun to process what is happening around me.

Question- if her family is to visit for Thanksgiving and Christmas, what will the sleeping arrangements be. Won't you need the guest room for your guests? What will her solution to that be?

Hang in there. You are a wonderful person.

BIM