I left her a message yesterday, and she called back and left me a message about how her day was going. Last night she thanked me for calling her, saying it was nice to hear from me during the day.
Are these baby-steps, or cake-eating? Cake-eating! Don't call her and leave messages unless they're important ones about your kids or something. Otherwise it's pursuit. You've tried the mr. (overly)nice guy with your W for months now; it's not an effective approach if your goals are reconciliation. If it's being a good friend with her after your D, then you're on track.
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I asked her this morning about dialoguing and the Retro post-sessions, but it seemed like pressuring her.
One of the Retro couples emailed me, and is asking if she can call / email, talk to W. I don't know if that's a good idea - again, pressuring her to work on the marriage. I suppose I'll mention it to her - I don't know about that one though.
I don't think it's pressure if you forward the email to your W with no comment. Didn't she tell you she doesn't want to dialogue with you already? If so, I wouldn't ask her again as that would be pursuit. If she has not made clear re: the dialoguing, then a simple ? asking her to clarify would be fine I think.
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Just as an aside, I'm amazed at how I can go from feeling out-of-my-mind to normal in a couple of hours. I'm afraid that, again, it's the Xanex. I'm really frustrated with myself that I continue to be messed up. I'm looking forward to getting better.
I was a total crazed mess my first couple months here, a couple more months to feel ok, prob. a year or more till I actually felt good most of the time. This is a rollercoaster process. We're dealing with crazy people (our WAS) and that's very stressful. I think most all of us here are on ADs, as am I, and some of the rest that aren't should probably consider it! I think some of this stuff just takes time, and things get slowly better usually.
I took months to stop the doormat, overly nice stuff in my sitch. It didn't help, and made me feel like cr**. But everyone has to go at their own pace on this...
Well, W wasn't feeling well last night, so I took the boys to their Cub Scout meeting instead of going to DivorceCare, but that was OK.
Later, W said, I'm going to bed - then she stopped and asked if she could cuddle with me while watching TV. So I said OK...
Yes I know - I didn't pursue here, but still not sure if this is baby step or cake-eating. If she's feeling that close to me, do I push her away?
Yes, same question I've been asking. I guess I've got a mental block.
This morning, while I was taking a shower, she came into the bathroom to take a bath. I guess she's getting more comforable with this sort of thing.
After we were dressed, she gave me a big hug and said "I don't want to lose you"
To which I replied, "So don't. I don't want to lose you either."
Yeah, not the best response, but better than "you wont."
We kissed each other on the cheek.
Again, not sure if baby steps, or not.
She did say that she wanted to take the day off and just snuggle with me. I kind of laughed and said, I'll call in sick. Seemed to make an impression on her that I'd blow off work.
She also said that she dreamed she was sleeping in one of my sweatshirts. I guess that's a good sign.
Well, I won't see her again until Sunday.
It seems to really be resonating in her mind since the weekend that she doesn't want to lose me. And the connection still seems to be there.
I get the impression she thinks there is a sexual problem. And you think if she gave you a chance, there wouldn't be one. Was this something you discussed at Retrouvaille? It is a topic in one of the Post sessions, but where we went, it didn't come up till close to the end. Maybe you could discuss intimacy either with a counselor or with the Post couple. Seems like you should be able to get beyond this.
Yes we discussed it. W wrote that she felt hopelessness about our sexual relationship, at an intensity of 10/10.
In the final exercise, I wrote that I felt the passion for her, it is in me, but somehow this hadn't come out, and I don't know why.
This made her cry and say that she wanted to hit me.
We discussed that to some degree we've both kept each other at arm's length.
I've been taking Xanax regularly only recently.
I suppose that her viewpoint is that after 10 years, it's just that we're incompatible. As much as I can say that this is something we can work on, she says that she has ample evidence that this is the way it is.
She also said that she hears from friends about, how they spend all day in bed being intimate. That's not the kind of thing that we would do. She said that she could have sex every day - so that the once / twice a week cadence isn't enough for her.
Sex everyday is for honeymooners. Once or twice a week is very normal for married people. And the friends may be single and talking about being with a boyfriend. Cuz married people with children don't have time to spend the day in bed together. Unless you go away for a weekend. You could plan on it as well as anyone else.
She also said that she hears from friends about, how they spend all day in bed being intimate. That's not the kind of thing that we would do. She said that she could have sex every day - so that the once / twice a week cadence isn't enough for her.
Why couldn't things be different Bill? Why not? Even if that is what you normally do, why couldn't you try?
Don't think about every day and weeks and months. Just focus on today. Could you ML today? If you can that would only bring you closer. Don't worry if she's cake-eating right now. For goodness sake, she's saying there's an incompatibility in the bedroom.
While I'm challenging you. Throwing down the gauntlet. Buddy, I know you love her. I've read the words that have poured out of you. You have passion but it doesn't come out? Perhaps you have a wall up to protect yourself. This whole thing has been painful as heck, no doubt. But right now is when you need to tear down the walls.
Focus on today. Then tomorrow focus on that day. One day at a time. Feed her cake until she's on a sugar high she never dreamed of. Do it for both of you.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
And I think you're right that I have walls up. W said to me at one point that loving me is like running into a brick wall.
I don't want to be that way. Sure, part of my personality, whatever. So yes, this is what needs to change on my part.
W is out of town for the next few days.
When we ML a couple of weeks ago, she immediately called it a mistake.
So Underdog says balance. Somehow I've got to figure out the don't pursue but be open thing. She lets me know now when I push her boundaries.
Well I can rest on this until Sunday. Here's a funny thing - she said this morning she had a dream that she was sleeping in a particular sweatshirt of mine. It happened to be out, so I jokingly said here it is, take it with you.
It's gone. I think she did take it with her. How about that?
OK, I'll feel dumb when I find it under the bed or something, but still -
I think some of this stuff just takes time, and things get slowly better usually.